What is envy telling you?

You are scrolling through your Facebook/Instagram feed. You see that someone you know, possibly a colleague or a school friend, has managed to secure a seat in an all-expenses paid trip to attend a conference abroad. The conference resonates with you and you realize if only you had been aware of the opportunity, you would have applied and quite possibly gotten a spot as well. You want to feel happy for your colleague or friend, but then there’s a sinking feeling inside of you that just won’t go away. With the advent of social media, it’s not uncommon for us to know what others around us are up to. We are constantly bombarded with all kinds of information. With the trend of Instagramming every little thing we do, social media can get a little overwhelming at times. Emotional intelligence is the ability to become smart and mature with our feelings. Being smart means thinking things through and not jumping to instant conclusions. Likewise, being mature means thinking not just from your perspective but from others’ perspectives too.

When overwhelmed with feelings that arise from seeing others doing well in life, it’s helpful to ask ourselves some vital questions first. What am I feeling right now? Chances are, you are likely to feel one of two feelings: jealousy or envy. Although they sound similar on the surface, these two feelings couldn’t be more different.

Envy doesn’t deny that seeing others do well is a bit unsettling, but it provides perspective as to what we value and would like to accomplish for ourselves. If anything, this feeling can help to push ourselves to pursue what matters to us. Watching others succeed in an area we would like to get better at can be a source of positive fuel. If you’re looking to develop your emotional intelligence, the first step is to work on the ability to label your emotions accurately. For this, you will need to develop your emotional vocabulary. When you step back and realize it’s envy that you are feeling, the next step is to understand the function of that particular emotion. Envy is telling you about something you wish for yourself that you haven’t quite managed to attain yet. If it is envy that you are in fact feeling, get into the habit of asking yourself these questions: First, what particular aspect of the news is making me feel envious? The answer would probably be along the lines of ‘I saw my friend applied to a conference and got in. I wonder how he comes to know of such opportunities. If only I was aware of such information, I would have worked hard to apply too’. Then, how does the answer to the first question relate to my short-term and long-term goals? You think to yourself: Going to such conferences would help boost my profile. I could get international exposure and bring back my learning to my own organization. Getting into one would probably be a starting point for further exposure, which would help me get opportunities to work with international clients. And then, ask yourself what you can do to take that first step toward the answer to question number two—I will approach my friend/colleague and inquire about such conferences in the future. But first, I will congratulate him. Emotions are useful data. They can help us know more about ourselves and the people around us. Instead of ignoring them or acting out on them, let us develop the skills necessary to identify, label, and understand them. Sagar Satyal is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com