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I’m a 21-year-old man from a middle-class family. I’m the kind of person who never rests. I can work all day without feeling tired. But sometimes it feels like no matter what I do, some unseen force is constantly undermining all my efforts, regardless of how hard I try. Despite my best attempts, I keep failing. I always find myself doing things the hard way and suffering more than others, even though I believe in my capabilities. This constant effort with no value of result makes me want to give up. But, in the end, I think about my career. However, it’s getting increasingly difficult. Something is amiss. What can I do to get out of this mental trap?

Answered by Aditya Dangol, professional counselor and psychologist

I would like to thank you for your willingness to share your experiences. I would like to start by saying that ‘failure’ is subjective and varies according to individual interpretations. What one person perceives as a failure, another might view as a minor setback or a valuable learning opportunity. Failure is not a fixed endpoint but rather a dynamic process that unfolds differently for each person.

You might occasionally be too critical of yourself. Sometimes, feelings of helplessness in achieving one’s goals arise when outcomes fall short of perfection. But it’s important to recognize that setbacks are integral to the learning process. Acknowledging and celebrating even the smallest achievement can foster a positive mindset and bolster personal growth.

Additionally, there may be unconscious beliefs or behaviors contributing to a fear of failure or tendencies towards self-sabotage. Addressing these underlying factors with compassion and self-awareness is crucial for overcoming obstacles and moving forward.

Understanding how you define yourself and approach problem-solving is key. Seeking guidance and support from mentors or trusted individuals can offer fresh perspectives and insights into overcoming challenges.

Ultimately, remember that mistakes are an inevitable part of life but they serve as valuable opportunities for growth and improvement. By reframing our perspectives on failure and being kinder to ourselves, we can cultivate resilience and work towards our goals with a positive outlook. If you feel like this isn’t something you can do by yourself, it might be a good idea to seek professional help.

I’m a 27 years old woman who was once filled with dreams and aspirations, but these days I feel trapped under the suffocating grip of depression. My journey began with a promising start, a successful career, a loving partner and a supportive circle of friends; but as the years passed on, I found myself struggling to keep up appearances, where each day started to feel like a relentless battle. Despite my best efforts—the therapy sessions and medications—to seek help, they only provided temporary relief. How do I cope? 

Answered by Kapil Sharma, Counseling psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health

You have given a vivid depiction of your life, in which you mentioned experiencing depression. It’s evident that you are in immense pain and suffering. Depression often feels like an endless battle, leaving you drained and hopeless.

It is crucial to understand that you are not alone in this struggle. Many others are facing similar challenges. While therapy and medication may provide temporary relief, it’s important to combine treatments and reach out for support. Talking to a trustworthy person or a loved one who understands you can be beneficial. Continuing therapy is also crucial for long-term progress. Take small steps and be gentle with yourself. Practice self-compassion and kindness. Don’t lose sight of the possibility of healing, it’s a slow and steady process. There is a brighter side to look forward to, and to reach that silver lining, skill development is essential. If you’re able, work on cultivating skills. If you can’t, there are always experts available to help you. 

The first skill to cultivate is self-compassion. Focus on accepting your thoughts without judgment and accept yourself as who you are. Engage in activities that bring you pleasure and practice mindfulness, including breathing exercises or physical activity.

Seeking support is also crucial. Never stop seeking support, as it works in synergy with all other factors. This includes personal motivation, external circumstances, medication, if needed, and the guidance of therapists or mental health professionals to navigate life's stresses. Keep seeking support and continue on your journey towards healing.

Query

I’m a 23-year-old man currently pursuing a BBS degree at a local college in my area. While I don’t consider myself an introvert by nature, circumstances have pushed me in that direction. During high school, I had a great friend circle and excelled academically. However, everything changed after I graduated from high school.

Moving to Kathmandu for further studies was a significant transition that proved to be quite challenging. I found it difficult to adjust. I struggled to connect with people as I had done before. Though I’ve managed to make friends, I haven’t found the sense of belonging or the family that I crave. My academic performance has also suffered, and living alone only worsens my struggles with mental health. I wish to reclaim the youthful energy and vibrancy that I used to have.

Answered by Aditya Dangol, professional counselor and psychologist

Leaving behind the familiarities of a lifetime, the place where you grew up with your family and where your cultural identity and essence were shaped, can be really tough. Departing from one’s roots isn’t easy and it’s common to feel disconnected. Adjusting to a new circumstance requires patience and time, you will get into it gradually.

There is a tendency to place the people of Kathmandu on a pedestal. While not always the case, common perception often characterizes Kathmandu as a progressive society. However, many individuals have encountered difficulties in expressing themselves and presenting their ideas in fear of judgment. Adjusting to such a significant change can indeed be challenging, but it’s encouraging that you’re aware of your feelings. It’s natural to experience a sense of longing for your old place during this adjustment period.

One helpful approach is to begin by discussing your feelings with friends, especially if there’s someone you feel particularly comfortable with. Expressing how you truly feel when you’re in their company can be quite therapeutic. Take note of your emotions and observe whether you’re missing your home or if you’re finding it difficult to resonate with the energy around your friends.

Consider reaching out to a trusted individual with whom you can openly discuss your concerns. Opening up in this way can provide valuable insight and support as you navigate through this period of adjustment.

If you bottle things up, assumptions can affect you more because they create manufactured scenarios, harming your self-esteem and ability to be yourself. Sharing these concerns with someone you trust can provide valuable support and perspective to navigate through them effectively.

When relocating, there’s a significant shift in routine, surroundings, and even the very place you sit or sleep. Personalizing your new environment with items that reflect your tastes and remind you of your home can be a helpful strategy for adjusting to the change. Additionally, staying connected with loved ones provides a sense of continuity and support during this transition.

Remember, even though you’ve physically moved, the essence of your past experiences and connections stays with you wherever you go. Sometimes it’s good to catch up with friends. You may eventually find someone who can be a supporter or even understand you.

Another aspect to consider is adjusting your routine to resemble the familiarity of your previous routine, fostering a sense of being at home. Additionally, if these strategies prove ineffective, seeking assistance from professionals can be beneficial. Remember, engaging in conversations with professionals doesn’t necessitate experiencing anxiety, it’s a proactive step towards holistic well-being.

My ex-partner was toxic and manipulative. His behaviors blurred the line between love and control, and despite differences in religion, I defended him against my family. However, things became extreme and he started scaring me. His actions, including repeated cheating, became aggressive and frightening. He emotionally tortured me and even resorted to physical force. Eventually, I found the courage to end it. 

I’m 24. Today, I’m in a relationship with a man who treats me well. However, the lingering trust issues from my past haunt me, causing anxiety. I acknowledge that it’s unfair not to trust my current partner, but the scars of my past continue to affect my present relationship. How do I overcome the trauma?

Answered by Kapil Sharma, counseling psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health 

Overcoming such a toxic relationship requires both time and intentional effort. I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you experienced, and I acknowledge the courage it took for you to share your experience.

The first step is to acknowledge your feelings. Recognize that having trust issues is normal, and allow yourself to experience these emotions without judgment. Would you consider journaling your thoughts and feelings? Doing so can provide emotional awareness regarding your stressors or triggers. Journaling serves as a therapeutic method to process your emotions and track your progress throughout the journey. It may help you gain a different perspective and think outside the box.

Secondly, engaging in open communication opens the door for understanding. Talk to someone trustworthy, it doesn’t necessarily have to be your current partner, but choose someone you feel is reliable. It’s crucial to share and vent your feelings, fostering a sense of release and connection during the healing process. Expressing yourself can be a vital step towards gaining support and navigating through the emotional complexities of recovery.

Also, engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself. Reflect on your growth and resilience, acknowledging the progress you’ve made. As you transition, it’s essential to recognize and appreciate your journey. Reflecting on your growth and resilience can serve as a source of strength and motivation as you continue moving forward. Acknowledge the strength it took to live through a toxic relationship and appreciate the progress you have made. Recognizing that you’ve moved beyond the confines of that relationship to be here today is a significant achievement. Celebrate the fact that you’ve chosen a path towards healing and growth, and embrace the positive changes you’ve implemented in your life. 

About the present, understanding patterns can empower you to recognize similar situations and navigate them more effectively. It’s crucial to comprehend that trust is built over time, and having realistic expectations for both yourself and your partner is essential. Recognize that not everything can be erased from your mind instantly. Building trust is a journey, not an instantaneous destination. Focus on building self-confidence and self-worth, recognizing that you are going through a challenging time. Engage in self-care, surround yourself with positive influences, and seek out uplifting experiences. Practice self-compassion and avoid self-blame.

Healing is a unique journey for each individual, so it’s perfectly okay to seek professional support. Professional assistance in self-care paves the way for a brighter and healthier future. It’s important to understand that the healing process takes time. By reaching out to professionals, you equip yourself with valuable tools and guidance, creating a supportive environment that facilitates personal growth and recovery. Remember, investing in your mental well-being is a worthwhile endeavor on the path to a more fulfilling and resilient life.