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Query

I am a 35-year-old journalist and in my nearly 10-year-old career, I have reported on many disturbing and traumatic events. I have come across many individuals whose life stories have left me devastated. This has happened to me even while covering stories on animal cruelty. I think those incidents have deeply affected me emotionally and mentally. I find it difficult to do my job as a reporter these days. I empathize too much with the people whose stories I am covering. I feel like their traumas are my own and I don’t know how to separate my work from my personal life. Please help! 

—A worried journo

Answered by Krishangi, Psychologist, Happy Minds

As counselors to people with many kinds of troubles, we come across many stories that keep us up all night. But a teacher once told me: “Their problems are theirs, and yours are yours”. I understand your job requires you to connect with other people and listen to their stories. It is only normal to be affected by their tribulations. We humans empathize with the hardship and trauma of fellow humans. But if you take it too far, it will encroach on your personal life.

You must remember that their stories are not yours. You are your own individual self and you probably have your own set of problems to deal with.

You have to consciously separate yourself from the problems of other people when you are out reporting their stories. One thing you can do is reflect on what you know about the individuals you are talking to and how you can help them by telling their stories. Zoom out from whatever bad situations they might be going through and portray yourself as someone who can help them in a realistic way. 

Remind yourself constantly that your professional and personal lives are two different things. Mixing them up is the last thing you want to do. Learn to leave your work at office. 

To deal with the negative emotions you pick up from your work, you have to find an activity that helps you take them out of your system. If you are not yourself and you start getting affected by other people's sufferings and life stories, you will get burned out and worse, your career will take a hit. 

No, doing these things does not mean you are being selfish, or you do not care about other people. It simply means that you are protecting yourself as an individual.

So if you have interests like working out, or yoga, gardening, or anything you enjoy, you need to make time for them. Focus on growing as an individual.

Query

In my childhood, I had many bouts of explosive rage, which led me to throw things, misbehave with friends and family and even cut my arms. As I grew up, I started developing depressive symptoms. I had problems concentrating in my studies and work. It's been some years since I started working and I don’t enjoy it. The issue with me is that I give up too easily. I am 30 now and I still feel angry at myself thinking about my past. I recently smashed my phone and tore my driving license. Family conflicts are also fairly common with me. I feel unloved, uncared for, and ignored. I often get demotivated. What should I do? Please help! —M.J.

Answered by Dristi Moktan, Counsellor, Happy Minds  

Given all that you have experienced since childhood and that things have only become worse with time, it would be preferable to consult a mental health expert. Anger issues in early stages can be somewhat self-managed, but as they intensify, you must be aware of your own limits. They are often too much to handle on your own. It is advisable to get professional help as anger issues are often symptoms of an underlying cause. 

But here are a few strategies you can use to manage your anger. It's important to first think about what makes you angry, what you actually feel when you're angry, what are the consequences that follow, is it hurting you, or are you merely expressing your sentiments? You might want to keep track of your anger. Being more emotionally aware of yourself can enable you to see things clearly. The more you express your feelings, the more they'll help. You can also try writing down your feelings when you get angry. 

Another thing you can do is to delay your response: if you feel angry, try to hold back your response and then reflect on the situation. We can't control our emotions, but we can control our responses. If you ever get a feeling of anger rising inside you, take a deep breath, hold it and exhale slowly. If that still doesn't work, consider leaving the situation that is triggering your anger. You can also imagine a pleasant scenario to help you calm down.  

Practicing meditation can also be beneficial to regulate your emotions. Given enough time and practice, all of these approaches can help you develop a robust coping mechanism for anger.

Query

I am a 52-year-old banker who was diagnosed with breast cancer six months ago. At my doctor's suggestion, I will have to undergo chemotherapy, as well as remove one of my breasts to stop the cancer from spreading. My doctor tells me that I will survive, but I feel sad and hopeless. Somehow, I have no enthusiasm to undergo treatment and get better. Lately, I have been avoiding my friends, family and well-wishers. Is this normal? -A confused patient

Answer by Rishav Koirala, Psychiatrist and Researcher

For most cancer patients, it is very difficult to accept the fact that they have cancer. It is normal to feel frustrated in a situation like yours. The reluctance to undergo treatment is also fairly common, as the news of cancer can make patients emotionally vulnerable. 

Chemotherapy has many kinds of mental and physical effects on the human body. It can result in loss of hair and weight, which is directly connected to the individual’s appearance. For most cancer patients, the thought of this can be very stressful. They are unable to come to terms with the fact that they will undergo physical changes. After all, our appearance is part of our identity.  

I want to assure you that feeling this way is normal. But letting this escalate will worsen your stress. As a cancer patient, you need enough rest and a positive outlook, which is not possible if you focus on the negative and keep imagining bad scenarios for yourself. 

One thing you can do to stop overthinking negative thoughts is give them a positive spin. For instance, if you are worried about losing your hair, focus on the long-term outcome and not the temporary effects of therapy. The hair will grow back once the treatment is over. More importantly, you will be cancer-free and healthy again.

Yes, it is difficult to stay positive when you have been diagnosed with cancer. But positivity is something you practice and it is a gradual process.

You should also remember that you cannot tackle this situation on your own. You need people to talk to. So, rather than avoiding interactions, I suggest you find someone whom you are comfortable sharing your thoughts, someone who will listen to you and give you the right suggestion. Doing this can improve your depressive symptoms. 

If these suggestions do not work, you can always consult a psychiatrist or a psychologist, who can help you navigate this difficult process. 

I am a 26-year-old student with anger issues. I have no control whatsoever over my anger. Minor inconveniences irritate me and on a bad day, this irritation morphs into a full-blown violent episode: I bang doors and throw stuff. Sometimes, I don’t remember what I did in a fit of rage. I feel extremely guilty after my outburst, but I cannot help myself. How can I prevent something like this from happening in the future when I cannot even remember what I did? My behavior is pushing my friends and well-wishers away. Please help. —An annoyed fellow

Answered by Alisha Humagain, Psychological Counselor, Happy Minds 

Anger is a built-in part of the body’s “fight, flight, or freeze” system, which helps protect us from threats or dangers. Everyone occasionally feels angry, which is common. But if you are unable to control your anger, it can create issues in your relationship with family and peers.

It is important to know that anger and aggression are different things. Anger is an emotion but aggression is related to how a person behaves. Not everyone with anger will show aggression, and not everyone who acts aggressively is angry.

Everyone experiences anger, but there are ways to control it so that it doesn’t spiral out of control. Being aware of the changes in your body, emotions, and behaviors caused by anger can help you decide how you want to react to a situation before you act. Walking away or even pausing for a minute before saying something or reacting can help you get a hold of yourself. 

When you feel like you’re starting to get mad, start counting to 10 slowly. It will help you reduce the intensity of the anger. Releasing tension from your body also helps you calm down. To release tension, drop your shoulders, unclench your jaws, and stretch your body. 

When you are angry it is also common to jump to conclusions. If you find yourself in an argument with someone, take some time to listen and pause before responding. You also have to remember that sometimes when our emotions are running high a situation might seem much worse than it really is. Writing down all your negative thoughts and feelings in a journal can also help you release the anger you might be holding inside. You can also look for other distractions such as listening to music, taking a walk, or even just taking a shower. Diverting your negative thoughts will help you realize that the thing making you angry is not a big deal. 

You can also try using relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation to mitigate anger. If you are unable to control your aggressive tendencies even after trying these strategies, it is best to seek professional help. And remember, addressing the problem is the first step towards healing.