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Query

I am a 22-year-old student who struggles to maintain a healthy relationship, be it with friends, dates or family members. Even the smallest thing they do or say affects me and I start crying. I know this behavior is linked to my terrible experiences in the past. It would be of great help if I knew how to manage my emotions and get over my past trauma. I don’t want to hurt the people around me. —N.G.  

Answer by Krishangi, Counselor at Happy Minds 

Your past is what shapes you. So bad past experiences make you build walls around yourself as a defense against getting hurt again. Your past experiences probably trigger you in your current life situations, making you bitter to other people as well. This causes confusion among those people who are in your life right now. 

First, you have to understand why and what about your past is affecting your present. Take some time out for yourself every night to journal your feelings, write down the situations that have hurt you and how they affected you in the past and in the present. Once you become aware of those issues, your emotions will be clearer to you.  

When you become aware of what has hurt you and shaped you in a negative manner, you can slowly start working on bringing your wall and defenses down. You being guarded might have been helpful at one point, but it doesn’t serve any purpose now. If anything, it is only affecting your loved ones.  

You can start by breaking your wall one brick at a time. It is essential not to feel pressured in this process. You should know that you won’t be fine overnight. You might feel a lot of emotions, good and bad, while taking this step. Also know that being emotional is not a weakness; you can always use it as strength to overcome hurdles. Letting go of the negative past experiences can be a very difficult start, but everyday is a new day. 

Something very simple like talking to a friend, family member or a counselor about your thoughts might also help you process your emotions and see things with a different perspective. Bottling up your feelings can suffocate you from within, causing you to make rash or irrational decisions, which could push away your loved ones. I suggest that you share your thoughts and feelings. It will make you feel lighter.

Query

Sometimes I get sudden anxious fits, and lately this has been getting worse. When I remember that I have work to do and have no time to waste, I panic and remain frozen for hours. What should I do? -P.R. 

Answered by Dr Rishav Koirala, Psychiatrist and Researcher

From what you have mentioned in your question, it sounds like you are having episodes of anxiety that escalate into panic attacks, which explains you not being able to move from one place for hours. But this alone does not give the entire picture of the problem. It is necessary to consider various factors that can contribute to these episodes. 

It is essential to ask, “What other symptoms do you have?”, “When do you get these episodes?”, “How often does this occur?”, “What are the triggering factors?”, “What is your coping mechanism?” etc. 

Figuring all of this out will require an evaluation of your mental state and of other factors that might have contributed to these issues. 

We can give you a proper diagnosis only after we figure out answers to these questions through a rigorous evaluation. It is always important to find out the root cause. 

Once we have the diagnosis, we can proceed towards possible solutions, be it in the form of medication or psychological therapy. In the end, I would like to assure you that there is a solution for whatever you are going through right now.

For the time being, I suggest that you avoid caffeine and alcohol, and maintain a strict sleep cycle as well as a healthy lifestyle. Taking these steps may help you to an extent.

Query

“Recently, I have been burnt out and I cannot accomplish anything without feeling immensely tired or irritated. Any suggestions on how I manage?” -A struggling student 

Answer by Dristy Moktan, Psychosocial counselor at Happy Minds

Burnout occurs when we run out of physical, mental, or emotional energy. We feel like doing nothing, lack motivation, get tired, and develop a negative attitude towards ourselves and others. In most cases, it is due to overwork—you didn’t get enough rest. It happens to most of us when we are so occupied with our daily tasks that we often overlook the signs our body is trying to convey. As a result, we keep pushing ourselves to achieve our goals rather than give ourselves much-needed rest. 

To combat burnout, it is most important to take breaks. You must pay attention to your body cues. You must recognize what is causing your stress, and be sensible enough to remove yourself from that situation. If you're not used to taking breaks, start small. For instance, getting up from your desk to get a cup of water could help. This may not sound like a big deal, but it is. You must also remember to check in with yourself from time to time. Self-reflection is useful in determining how one feels physically and mentally. It could be as simple as asking yourself, "How am I feeling right now?"

Another way is to practice mindfulness. The idea is to be as emotionally aware as possible. Deep breathing practices can help you manage burnout. Taking mindful breaths allows us to focus on the present moment. It takes little effort and can be done at any time—and it works wonders if practiced on a daily basis.

We often hesitate to say ‘no’ and therefore tend to accumulate things to do for ourselves. You must put things on a pause if you are experiencing burnout. If you're comfortable, communicate what you're dealing with. If you can’t, keep in mind that it all comes down to balance. You must balance your professional and personal demands while maintaining your health and well-being. 

Similarly, making adjustments to your routine, such as setting and keeping boundaries, doing things you enjoy, getting adequate sleep, eating nutritious meals, working out and focusing on priorities, might also help.

If you have been feeling this way for long you should consider getting professional help. It can be really good to have a safe space to talk to someone you don’t know, is neutral, and is trained to provide clinical feedback. 

Query

I'm a 20-year-old male who cannot complete any task on time. I always leave my work for the night before the submission date and when the time finally comes to do it, I get stressed and anxious. I then become hard on myself, regretting why I hadn’t started earlier. I tell myself that I won't repeat this mistake again. But then the same thing happens with other deadlines. I am stuck in a cycle of procrastination. What should I do? - P.S. 

Answer by Kapil Sharma, Counselor at HUDEC Nepal 

You being aware of your habit and acknowledging it is a good thing. So this is the perfect time to work on it. 

Procrastination is a form of short-term stress relief for you right now. You may not be a procrastinator by personality. Perhaps you just have a habit of starting your work late. 

First, we need to figure out the reason behind this habit of yours. Reflect on why you’re doing this. Do you procrastinate on particular tasks or in all tasks? 

Normally, the cycle starts with you getting a new task. You may then feel a sense of discomfort, perhaps due to a lack of self-esteem or motivation. Fear of mistakes or perfectionism could also be the reason. In some cases, people feel they need to do their best and they are not quite ready to tackle the assigned work just yet. So they leave it for another day, thus starting to procrastinate. And this cycle keeps repeating for other works as well. 

When a person becomes a habitual procrastinator, they develop an aversion to their work, which then leads to avoidance. Avoiding these tasks offers them temporary relief, but will eventually raise their stress levels when it dawns on them that there is so much to accomplish in so little time. 

When you realize why you’re procrastinating, you will be able to figure out how to get out of it too, what habits to learn, and what to change. 

One thing to remember is that big work needs big motivation, and small work needs small motivation. For a task as simple as doing the dishes, if you have a sink full of dirty dishes and no motivation to wash them, you can divide it into smaller tasks. Maybe just clean a plate and a bowl now and then do something else. Come back after some time to do the rest. In no time, you will have washed all the dishes without even realizing it. 

Looking at the end goal or thinking about what you will achieve after doing certain work can help you get that motivation, be it big or small.