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Many people feel obligated to maintain relationships with toxic family members and let’s be honest, we all have them. But how can they set boundaries while dealing with the guilt that often comes with it?

Answered by Aditya Dangol, Mental health professional

Studies show that 70 percent of people experience some form of family dysfunction, yet many struggle to set boundaries due to feelings of guilt.

The challenge of setting boundaries

Navigating unhealthy or toxic family relationships can be complicated. Experiencing manipulation, guilt-tripping, and gaslighting can leave people questioning their emotions and decisions. Daily interactions may feel like a battle—walking on eggshells, anticipating the next conflict, and feeling dismissed, inadequate, or overly criticized. Setting boundaries in such an environment is challenging, especially when they are perceived as disrespectful, selfish, or a rejection of family values. These reactions—whether verbal or non-verbal—can trigger intense guilt.

Cultural and familial expectations

Familial relationships are deeply emotional and interdependent, shaped by expectations of care and reciprocity. In cultures like Nepal’s, where family loyalty, respect for elders, and collective responsibility are deeply ingrained, setting boundaries can feel even more difficult. Guilt in boundary-setting often arises from a fear of hurting or disappointing loved ones and going against ingrained obligations. This guilt exists because we deeply care about our family, value our relationships, and are empathetic. While caring for family is important, it should not come at the cost of personal well-being and self-respect. When guilt prevents boundary-setting, it’s essential to examine its roots—whether cultural, familial, personal, or a combination of all three.

Understanding the root of guilt

Our guilt often stems from how we define values like loyalty, duty, and respect. For example, someone might feel guilty for challenging their parents' outdated beliefs, fearing it will be seen as disrespectful. This guilt is rooted in the belief that a ‘good’ child never opposes family members, as doing so might be considered ungrateful or uncaring. However, critically analyzing whether these inherited values serve us or interfere with our growth can help us navigate our emotions.

Key self-reflection questions

A few important questions to ask yourself are:

• What about setting boundaries makes me feel like I am doing something wrong?
• How have my family or relatives responded to my attempts to set boundaries?
• What thoughts or emotions does their response trigger in me?

Many people have thoughts like, “I feel selfish for putting my needs first” or “If I say no, they might think I don’t love or respect them.” Some even feel as if they are being treated like a child for asserting reasonable boundaries. However, it’s crucial to recognize that prioritizing personal needs is not selfishness, and saying no does not diminish love or respect for family members.

Examples of boundary-setting in action

When parents expect constant availability

A young professional finds it difficult to say no when their parents frequently ask for help at inconvenient times. When they set a boundary by explaining their workload, the parents respond with, “You don’t have time for us anymore.” This triggers guilt, but the individual reminds themselves that having personal time does not mean neglecting family.

Challenging unfair expectations

A daughter is expected to handle all household responsibilities while her brother is not. When she speaks up, she is told, “This is just how things are.” Although she feels guilty for questioning tradition, she realizes that fairness should not be dismissed under the guise of family roles.

Dealing with emotional manipulation

A man refuses to lend money to a relative who repeatedly asks but never repays. When he sets a boundary, the relative accuses him of being selfish. Instead of absorbing the guilt, he acknowledges that saying no does not make him a bad person.

The greatest battle here would be having to constantly remind ourselves of these affirmations of ‘having personal time does not mean neglecting family’, ‘Demanding fairness should not be dismissed in any regard’ and ‘saying no does not make us a bad person’. 

Overcoming projected guilt

In many cases, the guilt felt while setting boundaries is projected onto us by family members. Some may struggle to accept rejection and, in response, express disappointment or blame us, even when we are not at fault. This makes it important to recognize that the guilt we feel may not be our own but rather a reflection of their discomfort. Accepting that we cannot control how others feel about our boundaries—and allowing them to have their reactions—can be liberating. This mindset shift helps us set boundaries with confidence, fostering both emotional growth and healthier relationships.

As people grow older, friendships naturally change, but some struggle to maintain strong connections. How can one build and sustain deep friendships in adulthood?

Answered by  Rika Rijal, Consultant Psychologist

Building and sustaining deep friendships in adulthood can be challenging due to busy schedules, career pressures, family responsibilities, and changing priorities. However, it’s definitely possible with intentional effort. 

Being proactive and intentional can be helpful. Don’t wait for others to reach out—be the one to check in, suggest a coffee meetup, or plan a get-together. Similarly, set regular hangouts. Consistency is the key. Whether it’s a monthly dinner, a weekly call, or joining a hobby group, making time for friends strengthens bonds.

Also, sometimes pursuing common interests can also help. Joining clubs, fitness classes, book clubs, or volunteer groups will help naturally meet people who share your interests. Friendships often develop more easily when you’re engaged in activities you enjoy.

Similarly, deep connections form when people feel safe sharing their true selves. Share your thoughts, struggles, and joys, and encourage your friends to do the same. Authenticity builds trust. Listening attentively and empathetically is essential. Show genuine interest in your friends’ lives, ask thoughtful questions, and avoid distractions during conversations.

Be the friend who shows up, whether it’s for a celebration or during a tough time. Reliability and dependability strengthen relationships over time. Not every friend will fulfill every need, and that’s okay. Some friends may be great for deep conversations, while others are wonderful for fun adventures. Appreciate the diversity in your connections. Building deep friendships takes time. Not every initial connection will develop into a lifelong bond, and that’s natural. Keep nurturing the ones that feel mutual and positive. Life gets busy, and sometimes friendships drift. Don’t let guilt stop you from reaching out after a long time—most people appreciate the effort to reconnect, even after a gap. Healthy boundaries are essential in friendships. Make sure your relationships are balanced, where both people give and take without feeling drained or used. Sometimes, potential friends come from unexpected places—neighbours, colleagues, or even brief encounters at events. Stay open to new connections!

Friendship in adulthood might take more effort, but the rewards of strong, supportive relationships are worth it. By being intentional, consistent, and kind, you can create and sustain friendships that bring joy, comfort, and meaning to your life.

In a long-term relationship, one partner might feel like they’re growing while the other feels stagnant. How should they handle this imbalance without causing distance or resentment?

Answered by Kapil Sharma, counseling psychologist, Better Mind

Growth can be viewed as the analytical part of our lives, as it involves understanding, evaluating, and adapting to situations, making decisions, and continuously improving our understanding of ourselves and the world around us.

People, especially in a long term relationship, keep on growing differently in different stages of life personally and professionally. But when one is growing and the other one is stuck, it may lead to frustration, emotional distance which may create hurdles in the relationship. 

One reason could be the fear of change, as the partner who seems to be ‘unchanging’ might feel it’s difficult due to fear of failure. Difference in priority of growth is another thing. While one partner might prioritize self-improvement, the other might value career success. This misalignment can lead to misunderstandings. 

Sometimes identity differences may take a toll. If one partner embraces change while the other remains comfortable with familiarity, this can create a perceived gap in relationship.

Start with self-reflection. Ask yourself: Is my partner truly stagnant, or are they growing in ways I haven’t acknowledged for? Sometimes, growth is internal and not always visible. Reflection and communication with curiosity not criticism helps. 

Open communication with regular check-ins helps. Practice active listening and paraphrase your partner’s perspective e.g. “It sounds like you’re feeling overlooked” to validate emotions. You can schedule a 20 minute conversation to discuss shared goals and concerns.

Form and engage in shared goals. Create joint goals and designate time for activities like attending programs or volunteering together, blending individual interests with shared experiences. You can also try finding the common ground where you can share the same activities like traveling, playing, exploring which can grow strong. 

Supporting individuality and mutual encouragement is the key. One can reserve two to three hours weekly for independent activities. For example, one partner might take dance class while the other engages in fitness training. Celebrating small wins of individual activity with rituals like special travel and meals reinforces mutual encouragement.

Growth in a relationship doesn’t have to be identical, but should be respected and supported. With understanding, communication, encouragement and shared experiences, partners can navigate these differences.

After experiencing repeated failures, some people lose the will to try again. How can they rebuild resilience and move forward without fear?

Answered by Khusbhu Agarwal, Psychologist, Happy Minds

The first few effects of persistent failure feels like a myriad of negative emotions. Disappointment, frustration, sadness, and even shame will always feel overwhelming. Ignoring these emotions is to build a wall against a fully blown dam. It’s hard when you fail over and over again, as this prevents you from attempting new things. Re-establishing resilience is not an instant solution, but rather a process that is attainable. To do so, it’s as simple as talking to a trusted family member, friend or therapist, as they would be able to give you the emotional support you seek. Doing this allows you to not suppress the feelings of disappointment, sadness, and frustration as your emotions will rather be validated.

Journaling, on the other hand, also helps you to process your thoughts and gives you a sense of clarity. Speaking to someone can also help you shift or change your perspective and the way you view failure. It’s crucial to look at failure as a learning curve instead of a benchmark to judge your worth. The way you perceive failure greatly impacts your ability to bounce back from it. Sometimes generalizing leads to a specific conclusion like everyone on this planet will fail or at least face one type of obstacle in their contacts and not letting every hurdle prevent them from succeeding in life. On top of that, it’s taxing when people don’t appreciate hard work. You should always celebrate your achievements on a personal level as those are reminders to yourself that effort was made and progress was achieved. Such easily achievable tasks can assist in rebuilding your confidence. Additionally, being kind to yourself, in the same way you would extend compassion towards others who are struggling, is extremely crucial.

Strategies and mindset both play a role in resilience, so building practical strategies is equally important. Positivity is one of the many tools that aids in resilience. Surrounding yourself with people who exhibit positivity can energize you and help you during difficult situations. Creating a strong supportive network can serve as a safe place when you experience troubling times. 

The nervous system can be calmed through meditation, deep breathing exercises, and yoga. The basic physical needs of having carbs as comfort foods, working out, and dozing off to regain energy is vital in enabling further productivity. Pick a day in your calendar and block it off to schedule worrying. It might sound odd but this stops you from worrying for days and aids in breaking down problems into simple constructive and achievable bits.

Understand that it’s vital to remain open minded towards whatever change comes your way and change your plans accordingly as it’s impossible to manage every result. What is manageable is your effort and attitude. Let your worries motivate you instead of letting them control you and take reasonably calculated steps out of your safe space. Picture your triumph, see yourself successfully completing your objectives as it also serves to inspire and increase your self-belief. Even tiny steps can aid you in beating fear and developing momentum. Also,don’t ignore the fact that every single person is living with a certain sense of vulnerability, learning to accept what they don’t know and concentrating on the now.

Having strong determination and resilience is an overall lifetime journey, not a one time event. Achieving goals requires continuous purposeful actions, kindness towards yourself, and willingness to develop and make changes. If these techniques are put in practice consistently, people can build their strength and determination, overcome their fears, and be able to look forward with a sense of purpose and hope.