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I am a 27-year-old male who has had anxiety issues since childhood. I recently started seeing a counselor with whom I share all my problems. She listens to me patiently and she has, in a way, become a motherly figure to me. (I didn’t have a good mother.) But of late, I feel that I am attracted to her. I think of her all the time. I cannot wait to see her again. I find that I am emotionally dependent on her. Is this feeling natural? What should I do? -A.R.A.

Nishma Choudhary, Student of MA in Clinical Psychology and Co-founder of My Sirani 

It is normal to develop feelings for your counselor. You are sharing your deepest secrets with her. Developing feelings for someone who patiently listens to your problems and who gives you non-judgemental advice is natural. She is giving you a space where you’re comfortable being vulnerable. Maybe that’s a state you associate with feeling loved, whether it is with a parent or a partner. 

You need to take into consideration a couple of things. How long has it been since you started developing feelings or attraction towards her? Is the termination of the feelings taking longer than needed? 

Maybe you can start by contemplating why you may be feeling this way. If counseling has been helping you with your anxiety, then you must be getting positive nurturing feelings out of your sessions. And perhaps this feeling is causing you to look at your counselor as a motherly figure. Your feelings may have also born out of the gratitude you hold for her for listening to you and helping you. Or, because you long to have someone to talk to, someone who understands your struggle with anxiety, which your counselor is for you right now.

One thing that you can do is talk about your feelings with your counselor. At the end of the day, she is there to support you emotionally. She understands your condition and she will know how you can understand and deal with your emotions in the best way. There is in fact no one better to talk about this issue than your counselor.

I understand it can be awkward for you, but chances are your counselor has experienced something similar before. So I advise that you talk to your counselor before you seek advice from anyone else. She is there to help you. 

Query

My 12-year-old son, who is in Grade VI, cannot concentrate on his studies and his grades are deteriorating. As a parent, I help him with his homework. His teachers complain that he does not respond in classes, nor does he complete his assignments. My son apparently has a problem grasping lessons. I have noticed that he is not ready to answer questions asked by his teachers during online classes, and his mind is distracted. Although he is an inquisitive and active young boy, he does not engage in classroom activities. He has to be coaxed and cajoled into everything. He also has a problem comprehending time or distance properly. How can I help him? -Y

Answer by Dr Rishav Koirala, Psychiatrist at Grande Hospital

All symptoms here are related to concentration. But there is a need for further exploration to find out more and discover other symptoms.

Your son is at an age when he is bound to go through many behavioral changes. You must try to determine what is causing the changes that are hindering his ability to concentrate and affecting his studies. Is he not able to do everyday things for his age because of lack of motivation? Or is he just displaying oppositional behavior since you, as a parent, have been pushing him into doing things?

I would recommend visiting either a clinical psychologist or a child psychiatrist who can assess your son’s symptoms. Kanti Children’s Hospital at Maharajgunj has a children guidance clinic with a team of experts who specialize in child psychology. They can guide you on how you can help your son.

On a personal level, try to understand him. It is wonderful that you make time for him and help him out with school-work. But try to understand what he is thinking as well. Maybe ask him how he is feeling. What is happening? What is he thinking about? Why is it hard for him to concentrate? Why doesn’t he finish assignments?

Often, direct questioning may not be fruitful as he may not know the answers himself. But it is important to create an environment for your son to comfortably communicate and express his feelings. You can then ask him these questions. Your job is to create that environment at home, acknowledge his feelings with utmost care and love, and consult professionals if you deem it necessary for your son’s development.

With online classes, lack of interaction with peers has separated many children from the real world. Has your son been struggling since before or after the pandemic’s onset? This may help you understand its cause and that is the first step to figuring out how you can improve things. As you said, he is an inquisitive and active child, so with proper guidance, care and treatment, he could well be able to fulfill his responsibilities. 

Query

I'm a 35-year-old male who has been a migraine patient for about five years now. I have heard that migraine also brings many mental health problems in its wake including memory-loss. Recently I have been struggling even to recall familiar names. This didn't happen before and I think it is because of migraine. I want to know if it is something I need to worry about. And what can I do to improve things? -KB

Answer by Dr. Rishav Koirala, Psychiatrist at Grande Hospital 

First, for proper diagnosis and treatment, it is important to know the intensity and frequency of headaches. In rare cases migraine is associated with forgetfulness, which is known as transient global amnesia, but it is not as specific as you have mentioned, i.e. only forgetting familiar names. Forgetfulness is common in anxiety disorders as well as in depression. Over 50 percent of migraine patients have depression and anxiety and more than 80 percent of migraine episodes are precipitated by stress. So we need to explore it to properly address migraine as well as to find the cause of forgetfulness you suffer from. This can be done by visiting a psychiatrist who will treat both. 

As you have had migraine for a long time, it is even more important to address it. Migraine is a major cause of disability as it hampers with your work as well as social life. It must also have hampered your life both directly and indirectly. Being aware of what is really going on will help you with the fear and worry you’re experiencing, and you might be reassured once you know you are being treated.

On a personal level, you can try mindfulness meditation. You can find plenty of 10-30 minute meditation guides on YouTube. Taking some time out to meditate will do wonders for your mental health. 

Another thing you can do is maintain a headache diary. After you have a migraine episode, write down what you did in the 24 hours before the episode: list all your activities and events of the day as well as your food intake. After doing this six or seven times, you may observe common activities that trigger your migraine. An empty stomach, disrupted sleep, and high coffee and alcohol intake can also trigger migraine. But most importantly, you need to talk to an expert before jumping to conclusions.

Query

“I am a 27-year-old woman working at one of Nepal’s leading construction companies. I am an engineer by profession. I work hard at my job. But my good work is hardly appreciated. In comparison, my male colleagues get all the praise and credit for their inferior work. Lack of recognition means my promotion has been halted. I have been wrestling with this problem for many years. I can’t quit as I need this job, nor can I put up with this misogynistic work culture. What should I do?” - SS

Answer by Shreeya Giri, Mental health advocate and Founder of Happy Minds

First, I want to acknowledge you for knowing your hard work and the ability that you have contributed to your work ethic. Being self-aware helps you recognize your strengths and weaknesses. Second, the construction and engineering sectors are still by and large male-dominated. Your feelings are thus valid. 

When you’re doing your job well, it is natural to expect appreciation from your coworkers. Since you haven’t been getting the appreciation, it is necessary to clearly communicate your feelings and experience to your seniors. Express your pain points, your effort at work, and the results that have benefitted the team and the company, a clear and direct conversation without being aggressive or passive. Ensure to be assertive and voice your experience, expectations, and needs while staying calm, respectful, and direct. 

On a personal level, you can start by sitting with yourself and putting the problem into words. Be clear and reasonable about what you’re experiencing. You can also ask yourself what is holding you back from communicating your feelings. This will help you see your situation more clearly. A one-on-one conversation with a counselor can also help you become more expressive. 

While taking this to your senior, be sure to keep your emotions in check and present your argument with details of what you’ve experienced. State the fact that it is unfair of the company to push back a responsible, hard-working employee. You could also explore the job market to see what is the expected pay scale for experience and education similar to your profile so you’re confident that it's reasonable.

It is only through assertive communication that your workplace will come to know of gender inequality and take necessary actions. Bring your opinion to the attention which might open ways for other female workers in the company.