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Query

I am a 31-year-old mother of two. I live with my in-laws and work at a school. Lately, I have been struggling to maintain a balance between taking care of my family and doing my job well. It feels like I’m failing at everything. I feel stressed all the time and have lost my self-confidence. My children, too, aren’t getting the attention they need and my in-laws aren’t happy about that—and not a day goes by when I don’t feel guilty. I feel so lost. What should I do? -A struggling woman

Answer by Nishma Choudhary, Student of MA in Clinical Psychology and Co-Founder of My Sirani

One of the keys to a good relationship is communication. You can share with your family, your in-laws about where you’re at and what you’ve been going through. By communicating your feelings, you will break the wall of misunderstanding and that will create a space for empathizing with each other. Both your in-laws and you can talk about each other’s needs and come to an emotional understanding.

Secondly, as it is said, quality triumphs over quantity—try to spend some quality time with your children when you can. For instance, going on a mini-outing on weekends, or doing a family activity at home. They will treasure these little moments and it will contribute to that bond you have. 

At times there could be situations when you have to get to work and your children stay home, then you can teach them to do some personal things on their own. It can be the perfect excuse to teach them to be more independent and responsible. And once they start, you can show appreciation for these little chores. 

On days you feel burned out with the stress of work and home responsibilities, try to prioritize yourself. Maybe take 30 minutes out for yourself in the morning or in the evening to do something that is relaxing. Exercise, yoga, meditation, reading—anything that you love and makes you feel at peace. This 30-minute can do wonders to how you look at yourself and the emotional energy that you need to give to the family and work. 

Try to focus on your individuality, it can help you see where you stand and think about how you can take things from here that benefit you, your family, and your job.

Similarly, if your work is not in harmony with your mental health, you might want to rethink that as well. Your health comes first, and if what you do on a daily basis is negatively impacting you, ask yourself if it is really something worth doing. Is it something you are passionate about or makes you happy? You shouldn’t be afraid to give up things that hold you back. This could be the time to contemplate the things that will make you happy, where you can give your hundred percent, and change things about your life to reach that state.  

Finally, show yourself some love and appreciation!  

Query

I am a 23-year-old CA student. All my life, I have struggled with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), even though I have only been diagnosed recently. The symptoms go back to my earliest years and I don’t remember not having it. As ADHD is not taken seriously in Nepal and its medications are banned, I have had to struggle with depression and anxiety for most of my life. I have been taking counseling sessions but haven’t felt better. Any help would be greatly appreciated. -A hopeful neurodivergent student

Answer by Dr Rishav Koirala, Psychiatrist at Grande Hospital

This is a growing concern. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that may include persistent problems like struggling to pay attention, being hyperactive, and being impulsive. It starts from childhood and a huge percentage may also later have Adult ADHD.

Yes, it is a new concept in Nepal. Only recently is childhood ADHD slowly being addressed. This is not enough. But Adult ADHD is still not something many people are aware of. We don't have a cultural expression of Adult ADHD apart from seeing it as bad behavior, hence we don’t notice and hence do not care if somebody is suffering from ADHD, thus worsening things for the sufferers. On average, about four or five percent of the total population suffers from ADHD.

As ADHD is not recognized here, there are almost no medications available for someone who needs it. The Department of Drug Administration is still to approve medicines for the condition. There is a shortage of skilled professionals to diagnose and treat Adult ADHD as well.

However, just like you, a growing number of young people struggling with ADHD have been able to recognize it and are becoming aware that they need help. Some have been bringing medicines from different countries, but that is not possible for all. (I wonder if that is an option for you.)

Though psychotherapy can help in ADHD, pharmacological treatment is the gold standard. The best option, for now, would be to visit a psychiatrist and tell them about what you struggle with, and even if they don’t have any experience with it in the past, you will get some kind of help. Since ADHD is associated with anxiety and depression, a professional can help you with those too.

But this is also a larger social issue. On a community level, there is a need for greater awareness of ADHD and its prevalence in children, which can often continue into adulthood. Mass awareness will also make the concerned authorities think of making ADHD treatment and medication available in our own country. 

Query

I'm a 27-year-old male who works at an IT company. In the past year, while adapting to the work-from-home setup, juggling between work and home life has been hard on me and my partner. At times I get extremely stressed out when my wife doesn’t understand my workload, which in turn has created distance between us. I feel so upset and frustrated. What should I do?  -Dinesh

Answer by Shreeya Giri, Mental Health Advocate, Founder of Happy Minds

First, sit with yourself with a calm mind and try to understand what you’re going through. What is it exactly that has been causing you stress? How is it affecting your relationship? How do you want your relationship to be? What do you want your partner to understand? If what you’re struggling through is vivid to you and you are aware of what is making you feel burnt out, you can communicate better with your partner. 

That leads us to communication, one of the most important parts of any relationship. You are two different people, and what connects you is communicating with each other. It may feel like your partner doesn’t understand what you’re going through and that must be causing more stress. But for her to understand, you must first share your feelings and problems with her. 

Take some time to sit together, with the intent of doing some ‘assertive communication’. Try sharing what you’ve been feeling, and listen to her feelings in turn. For instance, there might be a misunderstanding. Try to remember what may have caused that and think about what you need to feel better, and what you can provide to make her feel better. Listen to her about what she needs as well. That is true communication. 

On the other hand, it is comparatively harder for men to communicate as our society has normalized their suppression of feelings. You need an environment that feels comfortable and safe to share. And that falls on us, ladies. You need to build a space for your husband where he feels like he can share. A relationship is about adjusting and understanding. So adjust to each other’s emotional needs and that will help you understand. 

Sometimes when your partner is showing his emotions through words and is venting, understand that he may only want to be heard. Not every action needs a reaction. When he is complaining about something, don’t rush to put your emotions and needs before his words: try listening to them rather than competing to tell them you too are struggling.

If there is a mental health issue you struggle with, email it to us at [email protected]. We will get your query answered by a trained psychiatrist/psycho-social counselor in the upcoming issue.

Query

I am a 19-year-old female Bachelor’s-level student. I struggle with my looks. I’m never satisfied with my body and feel insecure about how I look. I constantly compare myself to people I see online. At times, it reaches a point where I feel like I’m worthless and it directly affects my self-esteem, making me less confident about everything I do. What do I do?  -S

Answer by Kapil Sharma, Counseling psychologist

You may be suffering from body dysmorphic disorder, which can be a result of certain childhood experiences, and that in turn can be amplified on social media.

At first, it is important to recognize what triggered your insecurity towards your body. For instance, it can be peer-bullying in school, unnecessary social judgment, relationship issues, emotional conflict during childhood, or something else. Those experiences can later be enhanced by the concept of the ‘perfect’ that we see in magazines and social media. The problem is that you start seeking validation inside that small small circle.

We need to focus on the root cause. What led you not to accept yourself and your body? At what point in your life did that happen? How did it affect you back then? How is it affecting you right now? Healing old wounds will be hard but it is what will help you recognize yourself and what your body and your mind needed back then, and what you can give it now to feel better about yourself.

Second, you are growing and you will soon be stepping into your early adulthood. Try educating yourself about the psychological process of getting through your struggle. Try to stay away from what makes you insecure and try to notice, over time, what difference it makes on how you feel. Make peace with what triggers you. Social media validation is an endless cycle and one way to get out of that cycle is to seek validation with yourself and only yourself.

Group therapy is another great option. Having a conversation with other people who go through similar feelings, listening to each other’s stories, can make things easier and contribute to self-love and acceptance.

Lastly, see a physician if you feel like it. Learn about your body, what it’s going through. If there is something you can do to make any of your health problems better, devote yourself to that. It will signal that you prioritize—and can take care of—yourself. 

If there is a mental health issue you struggle with, email it to us at [email protected]. We will get your query answered by a trained psychiatrist/psycho-social counselor in the upcoming issue.