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Query

“I’m a 36-year-old mother to a 13-year-old girl. I am worried about my daughter as she barely talks to anyone. At home she remains cloistered in her room, and her teacher says she is quiet at school too. I initially thought this was just a brooding teenage phase. But it has been going on for almost four months now. I took her to a counselor, to no avail. She has become extremely reticent and doesn’t trust anyone with her thoughts and feelings. I’ve tried talking to her, but it’s like hitting a brick wall. She won’t let anyone in. I’m afraid she is going through something terrible on the inside. How can I help her?” —A concerned mother 

Answer by Krishangi, Psychologist at Happy Minds  

As a 13-year-old girl, she must be going through a lot. You have to be able to create a space where she feels comfortable opening up and talking to you. Start by letting her know what specific depressive symptoms you have noticed and why they worry you, then ask if she is willing to share how she feels. Listen to her and don’t criticize, judge, or compare her situation with others. If she doesn’t open up, simply let her know that you are there for her and willing to support her. 

Don’t give up the first time she shuts you down. You have to be patient and persistent. Teenagers who are the same age as your daughter often have difficulty expressing and understanding their feelings. As a mother, you must constantly reassure her by being there for her. At the same time, you should make sure you are not overwhelming her.   

When she tries to open up or share even the smallest thing, take that as a win. Make sure you don’t disregard her feelings or concerns as irrational or illogical. Acknowledge her emotions and feelings to make her feel understood and supported. 

If she still doesn’t talk to you, reach out to someone (her cousins, friends, teachers, or anyone she seems to trust) whom she does talk or listen to. The important thing is that she talks to someone about her feelings. Also, reach out to her school and find out about her friend circle—if they are using certain comments or phrases that could be contributing to her behavior.  

The other thing you could do is spend at least 30 minutes with your daughter, doing things that she likes. You could even help with her daily homework.  

Try to get her involved in extracurricular activities she might be interested in, giving her a sense of purpose. Help her minimize screen time, and involve her in more face-to-face interactions. You could also encourage her to invite her friends over.  

Sometimes, as a parent, all you can do is let your children know that you are there to listen and offer them support. Your daughter needs to know that she is valued, accepted, cared for and loved. 

Query

I'm a 41-year-old married man with two small kids. Lately, I have been feeling empty and unfulfilled. It’s like I’m stuck in between feeling young and feeling old. Hobbies that once made me happy don’t give me any pleasure these days. I also fear my relationship with my wife is failing. We get into arguments more often than we used to. I often think of being unfaithful with my wife even though I love her and don’t want anything to happen to our relationship. I am wracked with guilt and regret. It’s like no one understands me and I don’t know what to do anymore. --- AS 

Answer by Kapil Sharma, Counselling Psychologist, HUDEC-Nepal

First, I want to acknowledge that it is okay to feel this way at this stage of your life. Our happiness tracks a U shape in our lifespan. As a kid, we are the happiest at the top. As we grow older, we take on more responsibilities on our shoulders. We reach the point in the U-curve where there is a lot going on in our life and happiness is at its lowest. But as we grow and become more mature, our understanding of life becomes clearer and we learn to become happy again. So, you feeling this way, at this point of life, is normal.

If hobbies don’t give you joy anymore, you can always try something new. It’s never too late to look for what makes you happy in the present, and now is a great time to make a new breakthrough in life. If you feel like doing something spontaneous, just do it.

Also, communication is an important part of getting through a midlife crisis. Try talking to your elders, who most probably have been through the same conflicted feelings like you have. They can help you validate your emotions. Their experience and advice can be comforting. Try talking to your friends as well. Share with them how you have been feeling and listen to them, for they might be going through the same thing.

Talking about your feelings with your wife is the most important thing you can do to improve your relationship. It is likely that she is going through something similar, and just be honest with her about everything. Communicating with one's spouse can strengthen relationships. Your wife can provide you emotional support in times like this. You can also talk to your kids. Share your experiences in a way they understand, and there is no doubt it will comfort you.

Self-reflection and self-awareness are other important factors at times like these. One activity you can do is ‘life auditing’, where you create a lifeline of your life, marking important things that happened to you, decisions that brought a change in your life, your significant experiences—anything that you feel made you the person you are today. It will help you understand if there were any instances that built up to this feeling of emptiness now, and you will know what part of yourself to work on to overcome it.

If things have gotten to a point that it is affecting your eating and sleeping as well as your work, I suggest that you visit a therapist or a psychiatrist.

Query

I am a 23-year-old female and I have been with my partner (a 25-year-old male) for three years. We have had a wonderful relationship and I know in my heart that we are going to get married. But one thing we can never agree on and always fight over is our finances. Both of us have had money troubles in the past and we have always helped each other out. But between us there is always this feeling of owing something to the other and it comes up in every argument we have. I am afraid this might affect our future. My stress gets worse when I think he might be feeling the same way. What should I do? - SK

Answer by Abhishekh Bariya, Mental Health Project Manager at Happy Minds

First, it is common to have disagreements about finances in relationships. Many couples go through this. The most important thing in such a situation is communication. Communicate with him about how you’re feeling about the distance or the barrier that is being created between you because of the financial difficulties. 

Tell him honestly about how you have been feeling. If you have an insecurity or fear that this might be something that can drive you apart, tell him about it. Maybe he feels differently. Trying to understand each other’s point of view is the first step. 

Try to identify when and why the subject of finances started taking a toll on your relationship. Ask your partner if he has also been feeling the same way. Then you can talk about possible reasons. As you say, you have been helping each other financially. So what instances led you to feel this way? Acknowledging it together as a couple will help both of you understand what is happening. 

There is no doubt that the two of you will have to deal with financial issues in the future as well. It might get more complicated after marriage or after having children. So it helps to plan out your future in detail. 

There might also be issues between you two other than finances. And if you two are unable to overcome these issues, you should see a therapist. Talking to a professional can help you get to the root of the problem. Happy Minds is one of the companies providing such services.

Query

My 22 year-old-brother, who is in the final year of his Bachelor’s level, has not been doing well in college. Lately, I’ve noticed he comes home late and drunk almost every day. He rarely talks to anyone at home and gets irritated if we ask him something. He isn’t his normal self. My family is worried. Knowing him, I can say he will not agree to get help. What should we do? -A concerned brother

Answer by Dr Rishav Koirala, psychiatrist, Grande International Hospital

With the information you have provided, the issue points towards addiction. Addiction into some substance (alcohol or drugs) doesn’t mean that the person will have withdrawal symptoms, it may be a symptom of addiction but doesn’t mean its compulsory.

First, it is important to look at addiction as an illness and it should be treated as such. And the sooner you seek treatment, the better. Addiction affects your thinking. It can reach a point where you cannot separate right from wrong, and don’t realize you are harming yourself and the people around you.

In fact, about 60 to 70 percent of those with addiction have additional mental health problems. Either they had it in the past, or they are struggling with a mental health problem right now. A large percentage try to self-medicate themselves using more alcohol. There is also the possibility of developing a mental illness. Those who have anxiety or depression are also more inclined to substance abuse.  

The best option is to seek expert’s help for your brother. A psychiatrist can make him understand what’s going on with him and how he can help himself. It is best to seek help now, when the problem is just starting. 

Even if your brother is unwilling to acknowledge that he is increasingly dependent on alcohol and refuses help, that shouldn’t stop you and your family. You can go and talk to the psychiatrist yourself in the beginning. The psychiatrist can advise you and offer treatment options for your brother.   

Meanwhile, your family members should try to engage and communicate more with your brother. Social interaction and guidance from a person they trust can be of great help for someone with addiction. 

In our society, seeking help for addiction can be difficult because of the associated shame and stigma. But you should understand that your brother is suffering from an illness from which he can’t get out on his own. It’s also the responsibility of friends and families to support them and encourage them to seek treatment.

Threats and rebukes will not make them sober. Empathizing with their struggle is a better option.