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Operating with Emotional Intelligence (EI) means being smarter with feelings. This means being able to acknowledge, identify, label and understand emotions in self and others. It means understanding that our emotions affect the way we see ourselves, others and the world and therefore taking this into consideration to regulate our behaviors. 

Without emotional intelligence, we are quick to make assumptions. Conversely, if we are emotionally intelligent, we understand that most misunderstandings and miscommunication comes down to assumptions we make and therefore ask: khas ma k bhaeko ho (‘what really happened’)? As the saying goes, we don’t respond to what happens. We respond to our perception of what happens. 

When we lack EI, we take things personally and therefore, are quick to either blame or self-blame. Having EI means understanding that underneath judgments and blame we have about ourselves, about others or judgments others have about us, are difficult feelings and unmet needs. Identifying, labeling and understanding these feelings and needs are crucial to solving problems.

A lack of EI means reluctance to communicate what’s truly important. We give in to a deep fear about the judgments others will have if we communicate what it is that we need. Fear of rejection means it feels safer to not communicate rather than risking asking for something and not getting it. With EI, we understand that anything we say or do comes down to needs that are important to us in that moment (and this can't be automatically understood by others). Therefore we make the effort to transform vague expectations like ‘I wish they supported me’ to a specific request that would meet the need like ‘Can you write this section of this report for me by Sunday?’ to forming a clear agreement ‘Okay, so we have agreed that you’ll write half of the section by Tuesday’.

A few examples of these principles played out in everyday interactions:
Without EI: My teammates are so irritating! (Notice the lack of accountability for one’s feelings.)

With EI: When the meeting starts 10 minutes later than scheduled and that too without prior agenda being communicated, I feel irritated because I would have liked: a) to make the best use of my time b) focus on the other project where my inputs have a direct impact on the outcome. I’d like to request my manager if we can start communicating agendas prior to the meeting. (notice how we take full accountability for our feelings and needs and look for an action that would help.)

Without EI: I had to come to this party because of them! (Notice the lack of accountability for the choice we’ve made.)

With EI: Although initially I was reluctant to come to the party because I wanted time for myself, I still chose to come because coming here would be a way for me to show my support to the newly wed. I’d like to leave earlier than my friends because I still want some time for myself after this. (Notice how we take accountability for our choice.)

Listening with and without Emotional Intelligence:

When the other person says: “You’ve changed so much! You don’t like hanging out with us these days!”

Without EI: This person is insulting me in front of everyone! Of course I wouldn’t hang out with such insensitive people. No wonder I’ve outgrown them!

With EI: I’m upset that this person would question my intention. I’d appreciate if he was curious about me first. But it also seems like he wants to connect and socialize with me but as I haven’t hung out with this group for over six months, he seems annoyed at my lack of participation.

When the other person says: “You’re an amazing team player!”

Without EI: I’m not good at accepting compliments. I’ll just laugh it off by saying it is not a big deal.

With EI: I feel so joyful to know that I’ve been able to contribute as a team member. Can you tell me what exactly I said/did that helped you? Knowing this would help me better understand what it is that I could continue doing.

To catch yourself operating without emotional intelligence, use the following lens:

We are quick to diagnose (blame, judge, criticize).

We deny responsibility for their choice (I had to do it).

We speak in terms of who deserves what rather than trying to truly connect with others (they will know how I felt when they go through something similar!)

We make constant demands of others (by inducing fear, shame or guilt).

The author is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

During his 2017 Nepal visit, Yashwant Sinha, ex-foreign minister of India and a benevolent of this country, was highly impressed with the workings of Nepal’s newly elected local governments. It was the first local government on the saddle after the promulgation of the new constitution in 2015. He was influenced on a few accounts: the participation of local people in the identification of their common problems, their ability to come up with local solutions, and to implement them via their own users’ committees with financial and technical backstopping of their elected local governments.

He was even more impressed by the constitutional provision of five-year time period for elected local governments, the list of exclusive powers vested on them under Schedule 8, and concurrent powers allocated to the federal, provincial, and local governments under Schedule 9 of the constitution. In an interaction, he said that in India it took more than 40 years to bring local governments under the ambit of its constitution, something Nepal could do in one go.

Decentralization and devolution of powers to the local elected bodies, the process of participatory formulation of plans, programs, and budgets, and implementation of the programs by the beneficiaries’ user groups have been the center of attraction of Nepal’s local governance for outsiders. The government of Uganda had adopted these methodologies for its rural development in 2002 after hearing a briefing by a visiting Nepali group led by the then government secretary Dr. Bimal Koirala and Local Development Ministry Secretary Khemraj Nepal. Nepal’s experiences were also shared by Pakistan, Afghanistan, and even South Africa in their tribal belt areas.     

After the promulgation of the constitution, the first election for local governments was held in 2017 in which CPN-UML had grabbed a majority of the seats (40 percent) followed by the Nepali Congress (33 percent) and CPN-Maoist Center (16 percent). The political scenario was different in 2017 as the ruling Nepali Congress and CPN (Maoist Center) had forged an alliance to contest local elections against an undivided UML.

However, it was a different story in the elections of provincial and federal parliaments only a few months later as the Maoist Center drifted away dramatically from Nepali Congress and forged an alliance with UML to gain more seats in the upcoming federal and provincial elections. Together, UML and MC got a nearly two-thirds majority (63 percent) in federal parliament and ruled six of the seven provinces. After four months of federal and provincial elections, these two parties in 2018 merged to form Nepal Communist Party (NCP). But such bonhomie could not last as the politics of Nepal took an entirely new turn in 2021. NCP was divided into three factions after a Supreme Court verdict annulling the communist merger, and Maoist Center reemerged under its old banner.

UML was further broken into two as one faction, disgruntled with off-the-cuff domineering dictates of the UML leadership, drifted away and formed a different party named CPN (Unified Socialist). These two incidents entirely changed the ‘communist calculus’ in the federal and provincial parliaments which led to the downfall of the UML government in parliament and formation of a new coalition government under NC in July 2021. 

The new NC-led coalition government had to undertake gargantuan tasks of holding timely elections for local governments, and provincial and federal parliaments as stipulated in the constitution. It has so far successfully conducted elections for 753 local governments. The elected local governments in 2017—with the combined UML-MC strength of 56 percent—had paved the way for the communists getting almost two-thirds seats in the elections for federal and provincial parliaments a few months later.

However, the scenario in 2022 is different with MC at 14 percent, CPN-US at four percent, NC at 40 percent, and Madhes based parties at 6 percent—the ruling coalition thus occupies 64 percent seats compared to UML’s 34 percent. If there is no political drama in the name of communist unity, and if the present alliance continues to be at the helm, the results of federal and provincial elections may not be dissimilar to the results of local polls.   

The local governments’ system as inscribed in the constitution has now evolved as a kind of potpourri for all kinds of political and socio-cultural issues which are being vented through the election process. It is quite interesting to note that out of little over 35,000 total representatives elected so far, about 15,000 (43  percent) of them are below 40. This figure almost tallies with the national figure of 40 percent of the country’s total youth population.  

The constitutional status of Nepal’s present local government system has proved to be accommodative of political dissidents like CK Raut, ultra-left like Netra Bikram Chand ‘Biplab’, and those like Resham Lal Chaudhary seeking ethnic identification. They openly participated in local elections with varying success. The local elections have, to an extent, washed away the old ethnic divide between Madhesi and hill people. The victory of an independent ethnic Madhesi as a mayor of Kathmandu metropolis with overwhelming votes reveals the change in the old mindset of even Kathmandu’s traditional voters.

Along with this, the victory of independent mayoral candidates in the important cities of Dharan, Dhangadhi, and Janakpur has been considered writing on the wall for major parties such as NC and UML to immediately correct their flawed modus operandi.

The contention of the Madhesi parties that all local affairs should be under the jurisdiction of provincial governments has been questioned as many sitting members of provincial parliaments resigned to contest local elections. Has the time come to rethink the practicalities of provincial governments, and devolve more power and resources to local governments?

“I don’t ride a bike to add days to my life. I ride a bike to add life to my days.”—Writer unknown

Looking back on it, I realize I have been riding my mountain bike for 15 years today—I reckon even more. Although the years are showing (I’m 69 today), I still seem hung up about it. There must be some well-founded reasons. In fact, there are—five, among others.

When first I got down to cycling, it was a mighty tough bargain; I’d had to go through all the blood, sweat, and tears. The first few months were impossible—entirely out of my comfort zone. The steep downhills were almighty unnerving and the grueling inclines and gravel grinds made me gasp for every ounce of strength.

For me, painful falls, injuries, and bruises were commonplace—but the trials and tribulations got forgotten at the end of every ride. And I could not wait to strap on my backpack and hop onto the saddle.

Adventure

Mountain biking took my fancy out of plain curiosity. I got into it a little late in life, though—aged 53. It led to a sense of infinite newness, something out of the ordinary—an exciting discovery.

With time, it has stuck with me. I did not need to try paragliding or bungee jumping to get that heart-pounding, adrenalin-pumping kick. Mountain biking dished it out for me—tackling impossible climbs, riding single tracks through the woods or rice fields, or hurtling downhill at 40kmph—I got all the thrill I wanted.

Well-being and self-confidence

I cannot describe my feelings when climbing a steep hill or shredding down a near-vertical gradient. It helped boost my self-esteem, confidence, and overall sense of happiness; I learned to take up the challenges nature threw my way. Nothing compared to that sense of accomplishment I’d never dreamt of my whole life.

Health benefits

After a few years of cycling (I was already a diabetic when I started), that my blood glucose glycemic index, including HbA1c and lipid profile, made a tidy headway. My research on the benefits of cycling also guided me to newer findings. 

One of the best cardio workouts, cycling combines aerobic and anaerobic exercise. It holds an edge over other forms of exercise, such as running or walking, as it uses far more muscles. Physiotherapists often recommend marathoners do stationary cycling to get through runners’ knee problems. 

Cycling strengthens your quads, guts, and calf muscles and nourishes the core strength of tendons. It reinforces the knees and the lower back. After a few years of cycling, I never got lower back pain or knee problems.

As we age, our brain cells deteriorate. A regular cycling regimen helps stimulate and build new brain cells in the hippocampus—the region responsible for our memory. It further supports muscle tone, bone density, and brain neuroplasticity. 

There are more benefits: You sleep better, look younger, smoothen bowel movements, boost body immunity, improve sex life, cut down on weight—the list is a mile long.

Manages stress

Stress, anxiety, and depression are part of urban life. Active biking charges the endorphin (a hormone produced in the brain that reduces pain) levels and stimulates the building of a stress hormone known to improve mood.

It also reduces the build-up of adrenaline and cortisol (a steroid hormone), reducing stress and anxiety. One biker friend confided to me once that he would jump onto his saddle and ride the trails to take the edge off his frayed nerves whenever he had a blazing row with his spouse. What an idea!

Far from the madding crowd

The 18th-century poet Thomas Gray said that. How true it sounds to this day. Cycling whisks you off the chaotic urban sprawl to the lush woods, the laid-back country, and the intimate hills to breathe in a lungful of fresh air by the ton or be one with nature at its best—absolute felicity. 

My riding took me to places I could not have even fantasized about going on pedal power. In 2014, I bicycled to Kalinchowk (Kuri), and in 2018 to Muktinath and Lo Manthang. Most likely, it will be Manang next. 

Need I say more? Bicycling is my true calling, which has given me a fresh lease of life. So the bottom line is I will not give up spinning—not for all the tea in China!

Operating with Emotional Intelligence means being smarter with our feelings. This entails tuning into our feelings, mindful of our deeper needs, objectives, and challenges at play. It includes acknowledging these aspects to direct our behavior to promote sustainable relationships. 

In our daily life, we come across challenges that are difficult to talk about. ‘Difficult conversation’ typically involves three aspects. 

The first is the situation where stakes are high, and it’s difficult to let go of the issue because it matters to us. The second is where opinions vary. The other person may disagree with us, which could lead to a conflict. In such a situation, remaining silent feels tempting, even though the issue continues to nag at us internally.

The third aspect of difficult conversation is when our emotions run strong and we have an emotional response that manifests in our behavior, and we don’t even have to verbalize our feelings.

Four positions of ‘difficult conversation’

Just like a map helps us identify where we are to navigate our journey, understanding these four positions could help us through a difficult conversation.

Position 1

Position 1 is helpful when we feel like we are feeling stuck in judgmental thoughts. In this state, we are focused on criticizing (‘They make my life difficult!’), judging (‘They are so inconsiderate!’), and demanding (‘If they don’t do as I say!’). We might fluctuate between blaming and shaming either the other person or ourselves.

In this position, it is not just another person’s needs and challenges we are disconnected from, but also our own. Our focus on blaming and shaming (either ourselves or the other person) keeps us from connecting to our deeper feelings and unmet needs. It is difficult to direct our behavior in a way that helps us meet our needs. 

So it is important to shift from ‘difficult conversation’ to ‘learning conversation’. From ‘They just don’t understand’ to ‘This is important for both of us’; from ‘Their emotions aren’t justified’ to ‘Their emotions come from their unmet needs’; from ‘Our strategies are incompatible’ to ‘Our deeper needs are universal’; and so on. 

Position 2

Position 2 is about taking the time to transform judgmental thoughts into concrete actions that affect us, our feelings, and the needs behind those feelings. It is also about transforming our thoughts into actions that we’d like from the other person to better meet our needs. This is a step up from Position 1, where we also think about the way interaction feels, whether it is undermining our own identity and how it might be affecting our reactions.

Position 3

Position 3 is about extending empathy to the other person’s needs, objectives and challenges. We don’t have to agree with their ways; but here, we try to understand: what needs are driving their behavior? What are their feelings? What identity of theirs is perhaps threatened that they find this conversation difficult? What requests could they be making of us?

Position 4

Position 4 is about zooming out from the conversation and seeing it as a neutral observer. Who are the people involved? What do they feel and need? What would help them resolve this together? How do their sense of identity impact the interaction? 

Taking this position can help us attain a bird’s-eye-view of the scenario, as there is a certain sense of detachment that comes from being a neutral observer without any preferences or biases. This position can be hardest to take, but it helps see things more clearly. 

‘Difficult conversations’ are inevitable, but we cannot grow if we avoid them. So it’s important to check whether we are stuck in judgments or transforming a difficult interaction into a ‘learning conversation.’ The difference almost always comes down to our mindset—whether we are trying to blame and shame, or looking to connect at the level of feelings and needs. 

To reach an agreement, understanding is the key. And there’s no understanding if we cannot transform a ‘difficult conversation’ into a ‘learning conversation.’ 

The author is a co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com