Submit your Article

A friend tells us that a project they had been working on for months got rejected. What is the first thing we are most likely to tell him? We might ask him not to worry, to keep calm, to trust that what he is going through is just a phase. We could also tell him that we have been through something much more difficult. While there is no harm in comforting our loved ones, given that we intend to help, we often say things to console them, assuming they want reassurance or help from us. What if they only want us to hear them out? What if they need help with expressing and understanding their feelings and needs? We seldom think about these aspects because we are too intent on assuming things and reassuring them that it will be okay. What prevents us from hearing what the other person wants to say? We don’t listen intentionally. Even if we do, we quickly shift the conversation toward how we can help. This tendency often stems from the idea that we have to fix situations and offer solutions, which sap us of the space to be present for others and connect with them. We can only understand what someone is going through when we listen to them and empathize. Holley Humphrey, a trainer for empathic communication, recognized some common behaviors that prevent us from connecting with others in an empathetic way. Advising: “I think you should do this.” “How come you did not do so?” One-upping: “That is nothing; wait till you hear what happened to me.” Educating: “What you are going through can be positive if you did so and so.” Consoling: “It’s not your fault; you did the best you could.” Storytelling: “That reminds me of the time...” Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.” Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing.” Interrogating: “When did this begin?” Explaining: “I would have called, but...” Correcting: “That is not how it happened.” How can we be more empathetic? Empathy is a skill that can help us understand what people around us might be feeling and needing. While we can sense what someone around us is going through in a particular situation, our empathic guesses might not always be correct. Conversations can allow us the space to get to the root of what someone might be going through. One actionable concept that can help us have such discussions and make empathizing with others easy and more insightful is the Empathy Archery developed by Seed of Peace. The Empathy Archery consists of five rings. The outermost ring indicates listening in silence. The deeper we go, it includes aspects such as summarizing, sensing what’s important, sensing feelings, and sensing needs. We can understand each ring with the example of the friend whose supervisor declined his project. Listening in silence: This is the process of empathizing with someone through our presence. So, we don’t have to say anything to our friend here. We only intend to give him our attention, be there for him, and understand what he is going through. Summarizing: After listening in silence and taking time to process what our friend tells us, we can summarize in one or two phrases what we heard him say and check in with him if we understood it as intended. Here’s an example. “I hear you say that the project you worked on for three months got rejected. Is that what you mean?” If our friend thinks our summary is inadequate, we can ask him to clarify further. If he agrees, we can then move to the next ring. Sensing what’s important: It’s important to sense what’s important for our friend in this situation. We can ask him questions like: “Is it important to you that your project gets reconsidered?” “Would you like to talk to your supervisor to find a way out?” “What would help or comfort you?” His responses will allow us to understand what matters to him. Sensing feelings: Then, we need to be in tune with what the friend might be experiencing. We can ask him if he is sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed, scared, or feeling something else. (To help our friend understand his feelings, we need to have a basic vocabulary of pleasant and unpleasant emotions and their messages to us. Anger indicates that we have a problem to fight through. Disgust tells us that we are trying to reject something we consider unhealthy. For this reason, words like good, bad, and fine are inappropriate terms to label feelings.) Sensing needs: What does the friend need to resolve his feelings? For example, if our friend is angry, we can ask, “Are you angry because changing the project or starting everything from scratch will be a problem for you?” Similarly, if our friend is sad, we can ask, “Are you sad because the news came to you suddenly, and you would have liked to hear from your supervisor in a more acknowledging way?” Empathy Archery is counterintuitive to how we usually approach people when it comes to empathizing with them (advising, consoling, dismissing feelings, encouraging them to feel pleasant, etc.). It helps us comprehend people’s situations, understand what matters to them, and sense their feelings and underlying needs. It helps us ‘connect’ with people instead of/before finding ways to ‘correct’ them or their situation—which is what we need to exercise empathy and build meaningful connections. The author is the linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

Keeping animals as pets is a worldwide phenomenon. The most favored are dogs, with cats coming a close second. But the outlandish taste of individuals is baffling. It can stretch from fish to guinea pigs, ferrets, rodents, reptiles, and predators like cheetahs and lions. Returning from work one day, I caught sight of a brace of red-eared slider turtles (Trachemys scripta elegans) in a fishbowl in my two daughters’ room. I learned my elder teenage daughter, Smriti, had bought them. Aw, what on earth!? Of all the pets, I said to myself. For three years, Smriti and my younger daughter, Preeti, took care of the turtles, and my wife and I didn’t need to bother about them. The siblings handled their pets well. They took care of the feeding, cleaning, and replacing the water. At first, the tiny critters were no bigger than a large coin but, with time, they grew. The fishbowl turned out to be too cramped for the restless wild critters. So, I got a larger tank, and our daughters and their pets seemed happy. After two years, Smriti left Nepal for the US for further studies, leaving the turtles’ care to Preeti. But something went awry, and one of the turtles died. A sad incident for all of us, more so for Preeti. She blamed herself for it. Time heals the worst of wounds and Preeti recovers. The lonely turtle also bounced back to life. Years went by, and we moved into our new house. As the turtle kept growing, the aquarium, too, seemed inadequate. So, I built a miniature pond in our garden. The semiaquatic turtle appeared thrilled as the pond meant it could swim in a larger space, bask in the sun, and wander around our small garden. Everything was great, for a while. But it wasn’t meant to last. After raising the turtle for three years, Preeti, too left for the States. As my wife, Radhika, had to report to work, the responsibility of looking after the turtle fell upon me. Taking care of a turtle is easier said than done. The ordeal began, putting me to a genuine test. Feeding the turtle was no big deal, nor was tank cleaning, as it had an outlet to drain off the sullied water and an inlet to let in a fresh supply. Most reptiles lay eggs, as snakes do. Turtles, cold-blooded reptilians, do the same. I figured my non-mated she-turtle would not spawn. I got it all wrong. Once, I found it rambling around the garden in a frenzy, desperate to find a niche to lay eggs. It laid two unfertilized eggs—they did not hatch. I had no clue that the restlessness reached its peak during the spawning season. It tried more often than not to slip out of our compound at such times. All it needed was an open gate or a gap in the grill to squeeze through or creep past unnoticed when someone entered. Despite all the measures I took, to my great misery, the turtle got lost time and again, and I had to comb the neighborhood looking for it. Once, my doorbell rang; it was a neighbor. He held the turtle in his hands. What he told me next nearly gave me a cardiac arrest. “Bro, your turtle got run over by a car on the road next to my house,” he said. However, it escaped unscathed as the road was dirt, and the car’s weight pushed it down under soft soil that worked as a cushion. Once, I was tending to the turtle’s bleeding lip. It had cut it on a sharp rock in the garden. She bit my finger and would not let go of it, though it was bloodied. This wasn’t an isolated incident, though. It sank its teeth into my finger again another time. The list of my trials and tribulations in caring for my turtle is endless. Today, the turtle is 15 years old. I have cared for it for over a decade. It’s still alive and kicking. The internet tells me a captive-bred red-eared slider can, in many instances, live 50 years. In that case, it still has 35 years to go. My turtle will surely outlive me, as I’m 70 today. [email protected]

At Lagan, the midst of the old city of Kathmandu, sits an old palace that was the ancestral home of the famous Thapa family. The most famous member of this family was Bhimsen Thapa, Nepal’s first prime minister. He remained in office for some 30 years. During his time, Thapa modernized the Nepal Army. He made cantonments, magazines and barracks and drilled the Army into hard military training. To instill pride in the rank and file, he made badges, headdresses and uniforms. In the late 1830s, Bhimsen retired to his country estate. However, in 1839, his enemies lured him back to Kathmandu and imprisoned him. The charges of high treason were laid against him, and to break his spirit, he was informed that his wife was to be dragged naked through the city. The night before this outrage was to occur, Bhimsen hanged himself in his cell. After hearing the news, his wife threw herself from a high window of their palace with a rope around her neck. Even today rope hangs from the very spot in homage to this great statesman. In 1845, Bhimsen Thapa’s nephew became prime minister and initiated a full inquiry, which fully exonerated his late uncle. A great bloodbath followed, eliminating all the original Thapa enemies. Lagan Silkhana was never reoccupied by this family; it became the royal armory. From this particular armory, the Atlanta Cutlery Corp and the International Military Antiques of New Jersey purchased many rare, original weapons. Many such items had not been available for decades. This was truly their great opportunity to add to their British Victorian Weapons in their weaponry history, which also promoted the British Colonial and the US Civil War Collections. Religious significance of modern Khukuri  The British colonial administrators and military staff during World War I and II considered the ritual practices associated with kike or khukuris as superstitious, demonic and pagan. Many senior Kiranti officers would share this experience with us. The British Military Officers regarded such rites as a sign of the culture of backward and simple people of the hills. Many shamanistic rituals with ancient khukuri systems were banned from Gurkha Regimental protocols. But shamanism for Nepalis is something different. Shamans and priests, healers and astrologers are part and parcel of Nepali cultures. This tradition is thought to date back long, and is still practised in Nepal and neighboring countries. Khukuri still is a religiously significant weapon as it is worshiped during Dashain, the most important Hindu festival. It is worshiped at times before any sacrifice is made. Dashain is given importance in the Indian Gurkha and also the British Gurkha regiments. Since weapons are taken as symbols of power in Nepal as well as in the Indian and the British Gurkha regiments, all heavy and small arms are made sacred, and many male goats and buffaloes are sacrificed especially on Mahanawami (the ninth day of Dashain). In Nepal, 54 male goats and 54 male buffalos are sacrificed at the Hanuman Dhoka, Dashain Ghar and Kot as well as 108 male goats and 108 buffalos are sacrificed at the Taleju Bhawani on Kalaratri, the ninth day of Dashain. The British Gurkha Army and the Nepalese Army follow the same rites and rituals during the animal sacrifices given during festivals like Dashain. Their proven expert ceremonially sacrifices a fine male buffalo and goat in each regiment. A gigantic khukuri of over 30 inches length, weighing over five kilograms is used as the scapegoat’s head must be clearly served with one clean blow. Sometimes a khunda is also used. The choice of weapons depends on the sacrificer. When this is achieved, with 100 percent success, it is deeply believed that Goddess Durga Bhawani keeps on showering blessings on the regiment throughout the year. Finally, it is also a custom to honor an expert sacrificer. Usually, the commanding officer and Gurkha Major offer some cash reward to him. This honor is much valued among the Gurkhas. This practice has ceased in the British Gurkha Army since 1973 but not in the Pokhara Camp where a male buffalo and a male goat are ceremonially sacrificed in the name of the present Royal Gurkha Rifles (RGR). My personal experience is that Dashain has always remained a favorite festival among the Gurkhas and their officers. My Maj Gen CH Boucher, CB, CBE, DSO would wish Dashain greetings in this manner: “I wish all ‘Gurkha Officers’ and ‘Gurkha Other Ranks’ that this Dashera be joyful, prosperous and good from the bottom of my heart. Unfortunately, due to the full job of dominating ‘Communist Bandits’ you did not receive a full 10 days leave. However, all of you may get up to seven days leave. Although you are far from your homeland, I hope you will celebrate the festival happily.” For Malaysia-based Gurkhas, 2,000 gallons of duty-free rum used to be available tax free on the occasion of the big festival of Dashain. Testimonials issued by the Prime Minister and Supreme Commander in Chief of Nepal in 1947 state that the religious significance of khukuri must not be forgotten. In 1948, Maharaja Padma Shamsher JBR, the prime minister and Supreme Commander of Nepal, wrote: “The Khukuri is the national as well as the religious weapon of the Gurkhas. It is incumbent on a Gurkha to carry it while awake and to place it under the pillow when retiring. As a religious weapon, it is worshiped during Dashain (the most important Hindu festival) and at other times whenever any sacrifice is to be made.” Excerpts (edited) from the book titled Khukuri: Kike, History and the Gurkhas (188 pages) to be published by Adroit Publishers, New Delhi, in association with Vajra Books, Kathmandu. The tentative date of publication is Jan 2023