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A friend tells us that a project they had been working on for months got rejected. What is the first thing we are most likely to tell him? We might ask him not to worry, to keep calm, to trust that what he is going through is just a phase. We could also tell him that we have been through something much more difficult. While there is no harm in comforting our loved ones, given that we intend to help, we often say things to console them, assuming they want reassurance or help from us. What if they only want us to hear them out? What if they need help with expressing and understanding their feelings and needs? We seldom think about these aspects because we are too intent on assuming things and reassuring them that it will be okay. What prevents us from hearing what the other person wants to say? We don’t listen intentionally. Even if we do, we quickly shift the conversation toward how we can help. This tendency often stems from the idea that we have to fix situations and offer solutions, which sap us of the space to be present for others and connect with them. We can only understand what someone is going through when we listen to them and empathize. Holley Humphrey, a trainer for empathic communication, recognized some common behaviors that prevent us from connecting with others in an empathetic way. Advising: “I think you should do this.” “How come you did not do so?” One-upping: “That is nothing; wait till you hear what happened to me.” Educating: “What you are going through can be positive if you did so and so.” Consoling: “It’s not your fault; you did the best you could.” Storytelling: “That reminds me of the time...” Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.” Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing.” Interrogating: “When did this begin?” Explaining: “I would have called, but...” Correcting: “That is not how it happened.” How can we be more empathetic? Empathy is a skill that can help us understand what people around us might be feeling and needing. While we can sense what someone around us is going through in a particular situation, our empathic guesses might not always be correct. Conversations can allow us the space to get to the root of what someone might be going through. One actionable concept that can help us have such discussions and make empathizing with others easy and more insightful is the Empathy Archery developed by Seed of Peace. The Empathy Archery consists of five rings. The outermost ring indicates listening in silence. The deeper we go, it includes aspects such as summarizing, sensing what’s important, sensing feelings, and sensing needs. We can understand each ring with the example of the friend whose supervisor declined his project. Listening in silence: This is the process of empathizing with someone through our presence. So, we don’t have to say anything to our friend here. We only intend to give him our attention, be there for him, and understand what he is going through. Summarizing: After listening in silence and taking time to process what our friend tells us, we can summarize in one or two phrases what we heard him say and check in with him if we understood it as intended. Here’s an example. “I hear you say that the project you worked on for three months got rejected. Is that what you mean?” If our friend thinks our summary is inadequate, we can ask him to clarify further. If he agrees, we can then move to the next ring. Sensing what’s important: It’s important to sense what’s important for our friend in this situation. We can ask him questions like: “Is it important to you that your project gets reconsidered?” “Would you like to talk to your supervisor to find a way out?” “What would help or comfort you?” His responses will allow us to understand what matters to him. Sensing feelings: Then, we need to be in tune with what the friend might be experiencing. We can ask him if he is sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed, scared, or feeling something else. (To help our friend understand his feelings, we need to have a basic vocabulary of pleasant and unpleasant emotions and their messages to us. Anger indicates that we have a problem to fight through. Disgust tells us that we are trying to reject something we consider unhealthy. For this reason, words like good, bad, and fine are inappropriate terms to label feelings.) Sensing needs: What does the friend need to resolve his feelings? For example, if our friend is angry, we can ask, “Are you angry because changing the project or starting everything from scratch will be a problem for you?” Similarly, if our friend is sad, we can ask, “Are you sad because the news came to you suddenly, and you would have liked to hear from your supervisor in a more acknowledging way?” Empathy Archery is counterintuitive to how we usually approach people when it comes to empathizing with them (advising, consoling, dismissing feelings, encouraging them to feel pleasant, etc.). It helps us comprehend people’s situations, understand what matters to them, and sense their feelings and underlying needs. It helps us ‘connect’ with people instead of/before finding ways to ‘correct’ them or their situation—which is what we need to exercise empathy and build meaningful connections. The author is the linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

“If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is—infinite.”—William Blake. I have always seen perspective taking to be a rather powerful tool to connect with people without having to completely agree with what they think, feel, or do. Attempting to understand another person’s thought process, feelings, and likely behaviors in different situations fascinates me. It helps me realize how we’re so similar but different from one another. Let’s say I got a scholarship to study in the United States, and so did my friend. My friend might perceive the piece of news with much happiness, but I may not. For me, it can even be distressing when I think about all the effort I have to put in to prepare for the journey. Neither my friend nor I am right or wrong. Our perspectives reflect the individuals we are and what we each feel and need in that situation. When I talk about perspective taking, I don’t necessarily mean that we need to agree with the perspectives of others or make others agree with our worldviews. Instead, it’s a process of acknowledging our co-existence with others despite our subtle or huge differences, which can open us up to possibilities that exist beyond what we see. My younger brother, who is in high school, and I share a friendly bond. In our conversations, we try to learn from each other. I remember, a few years ago, I attempted to drive him toward reading books. I found him to be perceptive even before he was a teenager, so I thought if he read books, it would help him broaden his perspectives more. Although he did foray into reading for some time, he eventually realized he didn’t like it. He found more perceptual stimulation in learning from videos and, in fact, from memes. I’ve seen people look at memes just for fun, but for him, they’re also sources of learning. I never forced him to read after that. Instead, I would ask him about the new memes he came across and how he perceived them. He would also ask me to share interesting bits from the books or articles I read. To be able to learn from the perspectives of others, we need to start by having an open mind. If we negate all that doesn’t align with our values or needs, we won’t be able to unlearn old habits, beliefs, and systems to make room for new ones. An emotional intelligence competency that can help us take perspectives better is empathy. When we place ourselves in someone else’s position and try to understand what they think, how they feel, and what drives them to make some choices, we can put things into perspective in a more connected and coherent way. Exercising a beginner’s mind can also help us set aside our old beliefs and learn from the perspectives of others. A beginner’s mind can help us become more open to our experiences. It can help us become curious about ourselves and the people around us. With a beginner’s mind, we learn how to put aside our biases and opinions to stimulate ourselves intellectually, emotionally, and physiologically in new or improved ways. Different strategies can enable us to become better at perspective taking. One is to kindle our curiosity by asking open-ended and reflective questions. Reflecting on our crucial experiences and re-interpreting past events can help us see things differently. Conversing with intent to listen, reading, exercising art, sports, listening to music and podcasts, writing, and even humor are helpful strategies that can help us gain perspectives. At the same time, understanding that our belief systems are flawed, just as much as any other belief system in the world, can also be a great ground to gain different perspectives. Self-righteousness and perspective taking cannot go hand-in-hand. Just like the mechanisms of exercising perspective taking, the concept of perspective taking is limitless too. The better we understand this idea, the more we can open ourselves up to different possibilities, changes, and ways to find meaning in life. As Michael Proust says, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but in seeing with new eyes.” The author is the linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

September 22nd, 2018—it was a good evening at home before I fell on the staircases and hurt my knee. I was in pain, but I was sure I would be okay. Not much later, as I was about to call it a day and go to sleep, I lost my balance and fell again. I heard a popping sound from my left knee, and a shrill cry escaped my mouth. I felt extreme pain in my left leg. It was an unceasing torment for hours. The next day at the hospital, the doctor found I had a medial collateral knee ligament tear. They prescribed some medicines and suggested precautions. The sky fell on me when they told me I should be on bed rest for at least three months to recover well. My eyes instantly filled with tears, and I could not process for hours what I had heard. I came back home to have a crushing breakdown. I resented that I had to walk on crutches. I turned bitter because I had to depend on others for the smallest of my needs. I often questioned what I had done to deserve such a misfortune. I felt isolated and disconnected as I could not go to work and meet my colleagues and friends. The loss of autonomy made me hopeless. As days passed and it all got too much to take—I started seeing how I was walking away from the kind of person I have always wanted to be: thoughtful, reflective, and empathic. After the accident, I lost touch with those values. I realized how I was constructing my ‘narrative identity’ into a ‘contaminative’ one. Dan McAdams, a psychologist at Northwestern University, describes the narrative identity as the internalized story we create about ourselves based on our life experiences. We make narrative choices based on the extraordinary events we experience, both good and bad. Such experiences help make sense of life and shape us. Based on these narrative choices, we tell two kinds of stories—redemptive and contaminative. The kind of stories I told myself while initially recovering from the injury was contaminative. Such stories make individuals interpret and express their lives as going from 'good' to 'bad.' Telling a contaminative story, as McAdams puts it, makes us less generative or driven to contribute to the lives of others. We are also likely to be more stressed and anxious. We see life as meaningless. Reflecting on these aspects, I soon felt I needed to change my approach to seeing the situation. I knew that if I continued to feel miserable, it would change me for the worse. Soon, I started revisiting pursuits and people that made my life meaningful. I took time to meditate, journal, and read. I wrote poems to revive my creativity. Talking to my close friends gave me immense hope. I utilized my days reevaluating choices—ranging from decluttering my social media feed to decluttering my relationships. Soon the agony and angst I had toward life started transforming into meaningful engagement and gratitude. This change in choice of my narrative made me view my life through a redemptive lens. People tell redemptive stories when they see their lives going from bad to good. Based on several years of his studies, McAdams has found that behind redemptive stories are people who find their lives meaningful—as defined by growth, belonging, and purpose. It allows individuals to see life constructively. They have a sense of autonomy over their lives and feel love and gratitude. They find it easier to let go and remove the obstacles they face through the good outcomes they experience. Ideally, we would all want to tell redemptive stories, but speaking from my experience—it is easier said than done. It needs grit, gratitude, and an optimal everyday effort to see our lives in a redemptive light. Loss of autonomy, strained relationships, unproductive work indulgence, and existential dread are among the many things that can go wrong in our lives. The choice is ours. Do we want to tell contaminative stories by blowing all the unfortunate things out of proportion? Or do we want to tell redemptive stories defined by growth, contribution, and emotional maturity instead? The author is Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

During an internal learning session, a team member who I supervise gave me a piece of feedback. She said, “You get anxious and restless rather easily.” I was taken back because the feedback didn’t align with the kind of identity I have been trying to build for myself. “Really? Anxious? Me?” “Am I restless? Since when?” These kinds of thoughts started popping up into my head. 

If I still had my older perception of seeing feedback as a means of attack, my team member’s words would have hit harder. It wasn’t until long ago that I found it hard to take feedback as I considered it synonymous with criticism, which I didn’t know how to process constructively. 

After much learning, unlearning, and suffering inside my head, I realized that receiving feedback isn’t as bad. If anything, well-meaning feedback saves us from the disasters we invite upon ourselves by giving into patterns that don’t serve us, knowingly (because of our ego) or unknowingly (because of our blind spots). This is something Ray Dalio, the author of the book ‘Principles,’ emphasizes. When our ego gets in the way of understanding what someone is trying to tell us, it’s a good indicator that we are ‘unwilling’ to admit to and work on our unhelpful patterns. 

Ego barrier is difficult to overcome because we see feedback as a direct threat to our identity. If someone gives us feedback, we’re likely to think, “Who do they think they are?” “I know what I’m doing. I don’t need anybody’s suggestions.” “I’m doing the best I can. She needs to change herself, not me.” “How dare they say that!” These thoughts can be louder and more coercive, especially when managers, leaders and supervisors get feedback from the direct reports.

I remember an instance when my team turned in a task after the deadline had passed. As I was discussing with them about what went wrong and how I as a supervisor could have helped them, one of the team members said, “As much as we should have been quicker, I suppose check-ins from you would have helped.” Before I could even process the feedback well, I had an immediate defensive thought, “Oh, so you mean, this delay has happened because of me? I’m the one responsible?” 

But I caught myself immediately and realized that I had a part to play in the delay as well. As much as they were responsible for the task, so was I. Eventually, we discussed ways in which we could keep track of such tasks and prevent delays. This wouldn’t have been possible had I let my ego get in the way. 

When it comes to the blind spot barrier, we may be ‘unable’ to even see that we’re giving into unhelpful patterns, let alone work on them. When my team member pointed out that I get anxious and restless rather easily, it seemed unusual to me. But, instead of taking it as a criticism or a threat to my identity, I asked her the context or situation in which it was true. She then helped me realize that whenever I co-facilitate the Emotional Intelligence course classes with her for high school students and the students don’t participate as I expect, it affects me.

I for sure knew I got disappointed when students didn’t participate or made noise, but I wasn’t aware that it came across as anxiety and restlessness to others. This small piece of feedback helped me manage my disappointment by incorporating changes in activities that allowed more participation, checking in with my colleague about the class progress before, during, and after the sessions, and most importantly, working on managing my own expectations.

As leaders, managers, and supervisors, we need feedback to grow and help our team grow. That feedback is available to us only if we can acknowledge that we have blind spots and ego barriers getting in the way of valuable feedback.

The author is the Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

In my family, we have a ritual of drinking the evening cup of tea together, especially during weekends. One on such occasion last week, my parents called my brother and me to fetch our tea cups from the kitchen. I went and got mine. Soon after, I heard my brother shouting in another room at my sister (who doesn’t like or drink tea and was busy watching her favorite TV show). “Can’t you listen at once? Are you so selfish not to see that I’m busy and can’t help get my cup of tea? Will your feet hurt in doing me a small favor?”

My brother’s actions got on my nerves, and I sternly said, “Don’t you even know how to talk to someone properly?” His focus immediately shifted to me, “Why are you scolding me? Did you even need to speak in this matter?” We got into an argument, followed by complete silence for a couple of hours. 

What affected me the most about this incident and led me to react was that I could see the reflection of my younger self in my brother. Reactive. Oblivious of the impact of one’s actions on other people. As a teenager, I grew into the idea that people wouldn't listen to me until I raised my voice to make the other person submit in fear. 

On the flip side, I sometimes completely shut myself down, so the other person felt guilty for their actions. I most certainly believed that other people were responsible for my feelings. So, I assigned blame every time I felt a plethora of unpleasant emotions, and I found others to be praiseworthy when they made me ‘happy’ or anything related. These patterns are what I saw my brother replicating. 

“All problems are interpersonal relationship problems”—is the most powerful phrase I’ve ever read (‘The Courage to be Disliked’ by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga). As I look back at the incident with my brother and all previous times I was dealing with another human (or, let’s say, I was incapable of doing so), this idea has been more than true. It’s not because I was dealing with people who were necessarily different or worse than me. It’s because I lacked the social awareness to handle another human who had similar feelings, needs, objectives, and challenges as I did. 

Had I still hung onto my past patterns of blaming others for my feelings and not considering other people’s feelings and needs, it would have perhaps taken me a very long time to make amends. Thankfully, it wasn’t the case this time. 

I was initially making assumptions about my brother (he only cares about himself), taking his actions personally (he needs an excuse to disrespect me), and not communicating what was important (how his actions impacted my sister and me). After buying my time and space, I realized that these unhelpful habits were not helping me. I then shifted the focus to what was going on for him. 

Recalling my brother’s past patterns, I realized that he usually got scolded for leaving his food and beverages unattended when he got immersed in some task. So, to connect with his feelings, I realized that while he seemed to lash out in anger at my sister and me, beneath that anger was a fear that if he didn’t get his tea before it turned cold, he would get scolded again. 

Once I understood he felt fearful, I could also connect with his deeper needs, which was ‘protection’. He also needed ‘problem-solving’ and ‘empathy’. He couldn’t get his tea from the kitchen, so he wanted help from someone desperately. Later, I even had a conversation with my brother. He verified my guesses about how he felt at that moment and what he needed. 

A natural subset to developing emotional intelligence is that we not only start becoming aware of our feelings and needs but of other people’s feelings and needs as well—it is what we call ‘social awareness.’ A question might arise. Is it possible to fully understand the spectrum of other people’s emotional states? I’ve learned from experience that we won't know until we try. 

The author is Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

“I’m aware of my emotions, but how do I manage them?” Individuals I meet in the ‘My Emotions Matter’ workshops often ask this question. While awareness is the first step to emotional management, sometimes it can be tricky and might require more effort. There’s no set prescription for how one manages emotions and keeps one’s reactions in check, but a few strategies can help us. Let’s explore some of those.

Take time out to connect with yourself: We often brush aside our feelings. We find it easier to distract ourselves with chores, work, or browsing our phones endlessly for a dopamine surge. These might seem to be sweet escapes, but they can cost us dear by enabling unhealthy emotional coping mechanisms. Keeping a log of pleasant and unpleasant emotions we experience on a daily basis, journaling, talking to someone close who can help us reflect on what we’re feeling are some helpful ways to connect with yourself and your deeper feelings. 

Find out what helps when you’re emotionally charged: We all go through moments we feel emotionally charged and take action, which we regret in hindsight. It almost always helps to pause before we ‘respond’ rather than ‘react’ to a situation. This pause can help us buy time before we think of the best possible thing to do in that situation. Different people have different ways of dealing with their emotions. For instance, meditating, listening to calming music or a podcast, writing, reading, watching Netflix, moving away from what triggered you in the first place. What works for you?

Understand that emotions arise from expectations and values: More often than not, we say things like, “You make me frustrated!” “You make me happy.” In either case, it’s certain that other people’s actions affect us. What’s vital to understand here is that our emotions arise from our expectations of ourselves or others and what we value in any situation. So, instead of blaming ourselves or others when things don’t go as planned, perhaps we can try fine tuning our actions based on our expectations or values. 

For instance, a friend’s late arrival makes me angry. I should understand that it’s because I value punctuality and expect people to show up on time. Once I know this, I can take actions to fulfill my expectations and values. I might as well even send calendar invitations to my friend from the next time or call them a few hours in advance to ensure they arrive on time. Emotions can be valuable information about values/expectations and can help us take meaningful actions to meet those. 

Practice consequential thinking: Sometimes we fail to manage our emotions as we don’t think about the best and the worst case outcomes prior to making a choice or taking an action. In other words, we lack consequential thinking. Let’s say you prepared and delivered an office presentation on a project you led. At the end of it, a team member asked you many questions, which you struggled to answer. If you’re not aware of the previous aspect that we discussed (that our feelings arise from our expectations), you will blame your colleague for being ‘interfering’ or ‘know-it-all’ (perhaps in your mind, if not out loud). 

But if you’re aware that you feel annoyed because you were expecting to be better prepared or for your colleagues to go easy on you, consequential thinking can help you anticipate what people could ask at the end of the presentation, what might go haywire, and how you can be better prepared. While consequential thinking can’t guarantee that things won’t go wrong, it can help you gain a foresight of what might happen in a given situation. 

These are some of many strategies to manage emotions we experience on a daily basis. Which among these have you tried or want to try? What other strategies have worked for you?

The author is Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

There are the two main reasons we don’t get our needs met. First, we don’t know how to express our needs to begin with and second if we do, we forget to put a clear request after it, or we use vague words like appreciate, listen, recognize, know, be real, and stuff like that — Marshall B. Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication 

We’ve often heard terms like, “You’re so needy.” This statement implies how we don’t consider having needs as something normal or even useful. We probably believe only selfish people have needs, which is far from true. Needs are universal and we all have them. In fact, every action or inaction of ours is an attempt to meet an underlying need. 

Why is it that we don’t know how to communicate our needs then? There could be a couple of reasons for this.

1. We are not aware of our needs.

2. Even if we are aware of our needs, we don’t know how to express them.

Becoming aware of our needs enables us to understand what is important to us at any given moment. It anchors our actions in a way in which we can meet those needs. For instance, only if I am aware that I have a need for entertainment, will I consider what could be the different strategies and actions to meet those needs. Some such strategies could be going to a movie hall, visiting an amusement park, or video-calling a friend with whom I like to be playful. 

However, if I don’t understand that I have a need for entertainment, I can’t think of these possible ways to meet that need. Moreover, chances are, I will not communicate this well to the other person. I might say, “Let’s go to the movies!” This won’t help the other person understand why I want to go to the movies. They might either agree, in which case, I will have my need for entertainment fulfilled. 

But, let’s say, they tell me, “Why don’t we go to that nearby restaurant instead? Looks like a happening place!” In this case, the other person might be assuming that I just have a need to go out or explore. So, unless I tell them that I have a need for entertainment and hence, I want to go to the movies, they won’t know.

This brings us to an understanding that once we understand needs, the next step is to make a request (or verify someone else’s request if they don’t communicate their preferences directly). Requests are specific actions (strategies) that help us meet our needs. Making a request means being able to:

- Clearly ask for what we want;

- Suggest the person what to do rather than what we don’t want them to do;

- Propose a specific action to the other person.

These are a few examples that can help us understand requests well.

What we say: “Stop making so much noise!”

What a clear request looks like: “Please speak in a low voice in this room!”

What we say: “I want you to give me all your attention.”

What a clear request looks like: “I’d like you to put your phone away when we’re having a conversation.”

What we say: “Please give an honest feedback about what you think regarding my idea.”

What a clear request looks like: “Please tell me two or three things that can be improved on the idea that I just shared with you.”

What we say: “Will you please give me some motivation?”

What a clear request looks like: “I want you to tell me what’s one thing I can start doing to get working on my assignment.”

What we say: “Can’t you ever show some affection?”

What a clear request looks like: “I want you to meet me on Saturday at the cafe at 3pm so that we can have some conversations and spend time together.”  

Making clear requests helps us transform our expectations into agreements. For instance, if the request is, “Can you please turn on your cameras once I start the class?” during a virtual class, the speaker has an expectation that students should have their videos turned on. Communicating their needs, they are trying to form an agreement with others to turn their cameras on. The speaker can also verify whether their request is being accepted  or not by looking at the number of people who turn on their cameras as opposed to those who do not.

Making clear requests also doesn’t guarantee that we will have what we ask of the other person, but it will help the other person clearly know what we want. Making a request means being able to propose a specific action to the other person while also being open enough to hear a ‘no’ as a response (since we understand that their ‘no’ is coming from a need that they’re trying to meet, instead of seeing the ‘no’ as them rejecting us).

The author is Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

Have there been times when someone has said or done something and you could predict it? Alternatively, have there been times when you said or did something you wanted to change but it happened again? Human beings are creatures of habit. And these habits aren’t just about what we do, it is also about the way we think and feel in certain scenarios. These emotional habits are frequently recurring patterns and reactions. 

‘Recognizing patterns’ is one of the core competencies of self-awareness. It means knowing our frequently occurring emotional experiences, reactions, and go-to behavioral patterns.

Now you may be wondering why we need to know our patterns. Aren't reactions and behaviors natural? Aren’t we just supposed to go with the flow? Well, we always have the choice to ignore thinking about our emotional and behavioral patterns. But a problem with doing so is that all of our actions can become automatic and not necessarily healthy ones. Without paying due attention to our recurring patterns, we are likely to make automated and generalized responses that may not be the best for us in a given situation.

A lack of awareness about our patterns can impact the people around us negatively as well. For example, let’s say I have a habit of talking in a loud voice when I am with my family because that is how I think they will listen. If I am unaware that this pattern may not be natural or acceptable in contexts outside of the home, I may end up talking to my friends and colleagues in a loud voice as well, thinking that it's normal, but they might not appreciate it.

Only when we recognize our actions and reactions better do we know how to manage them. A good tool for us to understand our recurring patterns can be the ‘Think-Feel-Act’ cycle. Let’s look at an example. For a moment, I invite you to assume that you have a recurring pattern of putting off doing your tasks.

Think: What sorts of thoughts might you have in this situation? 

Let’s say some of them are: “Not again!” “I can come back to this later.” “I’ll watch some Netflix for 30 minutes first." "I have plenty of time."

Feel: How might you feel?

You might feel relaxed initially that you don’t have to do your tasks immediately.

Act: How might you act in this situation?

When you realize you still have time in your hands, you might start binging on some Netflix show.

But, oh, there are still some tasks pending. So what happens next? The cycle will start again. So, let's say you watched some Netflix show (obviously for more than half an hour).

 Think: What sorts of thoughts will you have now?

 “I shouldn’t have put off doing my tasks.” “I just have two hours to the deadline.” “Man, I am late again!”

Feel: How would you feel now?

You would probably feel guilty, regretful, or even frustrated for being late to submit your task again.

Act: What will you do?

 You might rush through the tasks and manage to submit them just in time or miss the deadline—yet again.

Given that you barely managed to submit your tasks on time, you might again have thoughts like, "I can never complete my work on time." "I'm a loser." "The assignments aren't so long anyway, so why should I spend more time reading or researching?" And, the cycle goes on.

But, when you become aware of this cycle, you can inform yourself that it's not helpful to start doing your assignments one or two hours before the deadline. You might need to buy more time, perhaps break down the work into several days throughout the week, so that you don't feel anxious and rushed at the last moment.

Whether or not we are aware of them, our everyday reactions are turning into habits that might or might not be helpful for us. Turning a blind eye toward them would mean living automatic and helpless lives. Knowing those patterns would mean understanding what we're doing well and what we aren't and taking steps to managing ourselves better. As the saying goes, “If you are aware of your pattern, you can change the pattern. Or else, you become the pattern.”

The author is Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com