Reflecting on our values
Have you ever made a choice that you regretted instantly because it didn’t align with how you saw yourself? Say, for instance, saying yes to a party with a friend when you have a work deadline to meet or spending more than your budget for the month. On the contrary, have you ever felt happy or encouraged to make a decision that reassured you of how you want to see or carry yourself? Say, for example, reading ten pages of a book or following a healthy diet. What do you think is common in both these things? Our values. Consciously or unconsciously, most of us make decisions or choices based on our values, i.e., things we consider valuable or important in life. When we don’t, we might feel discouraged, disappointed, surprised, or sometimes even angry at ourselves for not honoring ourselves. If values are so important, how often do we reflect on them or revisit them? If I say I value spending money wisely, but if I’m not tracking my expenses or budgeting my monthly expenditures, does spending money wisely really matter to me? Perhaps not. It's one thing to say that we value something, but it’s a different thing to live by it. Our values reflect in what we do, day in and day out. Unless what we say is aligned with our actions, choices, and habits, it doesn’t matter what we say. Values without translatable acts are just aspirations, and we can’t fulfill our aspirations without working toward them. Values also don’t have to be ambitious or grand. We can even live by one value (possibly more than that) which can help us navigate life when most things might be going wrong. It’s a matter of finding out what we consider valuable and letting them grow through us so that (with the help of our choices) we can become the kind of individuals we want to be and work on our desired identity. Let me share some of my examples for more clarity. I try to make my daily life choices based on six core values: choice, contribution, gratitude, listening, playfulness, and reflection. To exercise choice as a value, I think before saying yes to any pursuit or request. I’m also conscious of giving space to people to exercise their choices and not demand what they wouldn’t enjoy doing for me. I love contributing (to the people around me) anything, in any way, and that has helped me become a better version of myself and live my life more meaningfully. It could be facilitating sessions, sharing helpful posts on my Instagram stories or Twitter feed, or recommending a book that impacted me positively. I exercise gratitude when I thank people in my life sincerely for their time, efforts, and company. While gratitude may signal formality for many, for me, it’s a core value that helps me cherish my relationships with people and myself. I value listening by making space for people I’m close to and session participants at my workshops to express themselves vulnerably. Playfulness is another non-negotiable value that helps me anchor myself, find joy in everyday things and spark fun and connection in my relationships. I often make jokes and act silly with people I love. Reflection is a value that I try to incorporate in almost everything I do—such as journaling about my day, having a conversation with a loved one, making a life decision, trying to solve a problem I encounter, or developing a session. A great way to find out and reevaluate our values is to reflect on the kind of people we want to be. Instead of trying to nail a clear set of values straight on, we might want to begin by asking ourselves some reflective questions. Here are some questions that help me gather my thoughts and reflect on my values. For what am I grateful? Where does my attention get drawn quickly? What can I not function without? To what do I enjoy dedicating my time? What do I appreciate in the people around me? In what am I mostly involved? What gives me the energy to carry on with my day? What kind of relationships do I cherish the most? What is it that I can’t separate from my identity? What gives me joy? What adds value to my life? What do I consider worth struggling for? What’s my go-to? What gives my life meaning? We can always find sustainable ways to live by our values. To do so, we must figure out what we consider valuable first. When we start questioning ourselves, we start evaluating where we stand at present, whether our choices are helping or hurting us, and how the things we value today will shape our tomorrow. We might not find the answers right away but perhaps we can arrive at better questions. As Nancy Willard says, “Answers are closed rooms, and questions are open doors that invite us.” So, let’s reflect. Let’s ask ourselves some meaningful questions to find out what we value and understand how our choices can be embedded in them. The author is the linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com
The 3Ps of Pessimism and what to do instead
Have you ever faced a problem that you thought you could never overcome? Did you feel frustrated and helpless in that situation? Did it seem in that moment or phase that there was no light at the end of the tunnel? In retrospect, I can think of many such instances in my life. When I scored low on a math exam in the ninth grade, I thought I could never improve again. When a family member passed away during my late teens, I thought the despair would never end. When I couldn’t study medicine because of missing a scholarship seat by a small margin despite trying hard for three years to get into medical school, I thought I would never dare to dream again. When I tore my knee ligament a few years back, I thought it was the end of life then and there. Feeling pessimistic is common. There could be plenty of reasons why we might feel so, for instance, due to aspects such as the magnitude of the problem, a lack of problem-solving skills, waiting for change without making an effort to create change, the history of the relationship (in the case of interpersonal relationship problems), habitual patterns, mindset, etc. Let us take a scenario to understand what happens when we are pessimistic. Suppose you and your partner discuss how you are talking to each other less. Both of you blame each other’s work, friends, and families for not being able to spend more time together. Instead of finding a solution, you end up having a bitter argument. If you look at this situation pessimistically, you might think in terms of the 3Ps – Permanent (the thinking that a problem will never end), Pervasive (it is going to affect everything and all of our life areas), and Powerful (we can do very little to nothing to make things better). Permanent: It’s all going to go downhill from here. Pervasive: Our friends are closer to my partner. I don’t think I should reach out to them. I’m sure I’ll even ruin my presentation at work tomorrow. This is just great. Powerless: I’m just tired of these fights. I don’t think I can do anything about this now. Dr Martin E. P. Seligman, an American psychologist known for his contribution to positive psychology, calls this the ‘3Ps of Pessimism.’ These 3Ps of Pessimism prevent us from seeing that no problem is permanent, they don’t affect all the areas of our life, and that there is always something within our control. We can overcome the 3Ps of Pessimism with the ‘TIE’ of Optimism, which can help us look at things optimistically. TIE stands for Temporary (a problem, no matter how big or small, does not always last; it is only for some time), Isolated (it only affects some aspects/areas), and Effort (there are some things always within one’s control on which one can focus to make things better). Let’s reframe the previous problem with the help of the TIE of Optimism. Temporary: I’m sure we will patch up soon if we work toward having a conversation. Isolated: Just because we fought does not mean I can’t reach out to our mutual friends. Oh, I also have to work on an assignment. Let me get to that first. Effort: I can talk to my partner in a few hours or tomorrow when we’re both calm. I hope we can find ways to spend more time with each other. While a healthy sense of pessimism can be helpful to prepare us for worse situations, having a generally negative outlook can make us victimize ourselves. We might be unable to think through things well and assume that we will always be subject to bad things. We might become rigid and stop working things out because we see no point in doing so. We might also resort to reacting instead of responding. It can be difficult to remain optimistic when we face difficulties, but an optimistic outlook can help us take ownership of our reactions. We stop making ourselves victims and blaming people or situations for how things are. We see a range of possible choices on which we can act. We work on what we can do well instead of remaining stuck in all those aspects that seem to be spiraling out of control. This slight shift of perspective makes us consider all different alternatives rather than just remaining fixated on strategies that don’t work. Think about a situation in your life when you were pessimistic. Can you relate the 3Ps to that situation? How could the TIE of Optimism have helped you look at the same situation with a sense of hope and possibility? Aprajita Jha is the linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com
What we need vs what we do
Have you ever had a deadline approaching, but instead of completing your work, you binged on a Netflix series for hours? Did you ever resolve to patch up with a friend after an argument but ignore them instead because you thought, “why should I be the one to call first?” Did you ever want to start a personal project you were rather passionate about but could never bring yourself to begin working on it out of fear of people’s invalidation or possible judgments? In all these situations, you may experience a barrage of unpleasant emotions like frustration, panic, sadness, disappointment, hurt, anger, and regret, among others. These emotions, if unmanaged, can make things worse. So, what should we do then? Having three fundamental principles in mind can help us identify, manage, and understand our emotions. Principle #1: At any moment, we’re trying to meet universal, all-inclusive needs (for example, needs like physical safety, emotional support, respect, peace, learning, contribution, etc.). Principle #2: Our emotions hint whether those needs are met or unmet (for example, anger, disgust, joy, calmness, frustration, relief, etc.). Principle #3: Everything we do with our actions (our body) is an attempt to meet our underlying needs (for example, talking, remaining silent, eating, running, etc.). An understanding we can derive from these principles is that all actions, no matter what, or even inactions, are attempts to meet needs. Whether we fulfill those needs or not, we will know by the emotion we feel at any moment. For example, if we feel angry at ourselves for watching Netflix instead of completing work in face of an approaching deadline, we might feel frustrated or even panic-stricken. These emotions indicate that even though watching Netflix may have helped fulfill our needs for entertainment and refreshment, our needs for order, punctuality, and contribution remain unfulfilled. Most of the time, instead of addressing our feelings (especially when we experience unpleasant ones) and identifying the underlying needs behind those feelings, we either go numb or act out, which are unhealthy mechanisms to deal with our emotions. Ranjitha Jeurkar, a Bangalore-based Nonviolent Communication Trainer, explains what we can do instead, with the help of an analogy: When the lights [in your car dashboard] blink, you don’t shut off the lights. It’s a clue for you to look for something else in the car that needs your attention. For instance, if your fuel [indicator] is lit—that [tells] your tank is nearing empty, and your car needs more fuel. It’s a very similar [case] with our feelings. Instead of rushing to shut them down [especially unpleasant feelings], we can pause for a moment and try and look at what needs our feelings [tell] us about. The problem isn’t our feelings. They are indicators of something else [which] is working or not working within us [which are our needs]. When we fail to see the relationship between our needs, emotions, and actions, what we do is often contrary to what we need. Let’s consider a few examples. We need clarity when learning something new, but we remain silent when the teacher/facilitator asks if we have a question. We want people to hear and understand us, but we shout at them to convey this. We want to build confidence but choose not to speak up in team discussions. We long for connection but refrain from reaching out first. We need rest, but we end up browsing our social media feeds for two hours at bedtime. Do any of these examples resonate with you? Think of a recent time when you tried to meet one or more of your needs through a particular action. Did that action take you closer to attaining your need or away from it? Emotional Intelligence is being smarter with feelings. If we are aware of our needs, we give ourselves a better shot at meeting those needs. And a helpful way to meet those needs is to identify what those needs are. The first step toward that is to be aware of our feelings. When we react blindly to our emotional states (by trying to chase pleasant emotions and run away from unpleasant ones), we might take hurtful actions instead of helpful ones. A simple framework to make sure we are not hurting our chances of meeting our needs is to think in terms of the ABC checkpoints, which are: Avoiding: Are we avoiding taking responsibility to meet our needs? Blaming: Are we blaming ourselves or others instead of working to meet our needs? Complaining: Are we looking to justify ourselves rather than seeking a solution for our needs? Avoiding, blaming, and complaining are a few indicators of unmet needs but suboptimal strategies to meet those very needs. So, try to ask yourself often: How am I feeling? What needs are those feelings indicating? What action(s) would help? The author is the linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com
The wonders of a beginner’s mind
I have been journaling for almost 18 years now. It has been my go-to in trying to make sense of my thoughts, emotional experiences, and interactions with people. Even when I was unwell or exhausted, I mentioned in my journal that I felt tired and incapable of writing at length. Not only has journaling been a comforting pursuit, but it also made me realize how fond I’m of writing. Through journaling, I could change my habit of ruminating into contemplating since it helped me compartmentalize my thoughts and become better aware of my patterns. A couple of years back, when I went through my older journal entries, I observed how my patterns of expressing myself were more or less similar to how I journaled years after, even though I had changed so much in that period. That is when I realized that I never reinvented ways to reflect and express myself in all the years of making journaling a daily habit. Over the course of learning or practicing something for a long time, we stick to what we know and start believing that ‘we know it all.’ It’s evident in most things we do—if not all. As professionals, we may think there are a few sure-shot ways to develop the best ideas or solutions. In relationships, we may pertain to certain activities religiously to maintain the bond. As learners, we may follow the proven ways to excel. As educators, we might have figured out what works in the classroom. But it gets worse when we attach our identity to those approaches. We then become rigid to change or even challenge our beliefs. I experienced this in school when I questioned a concept my grade seven Social Studies teacher was discussing. The teacher responded, “This is what you are supposed to learn. Do you think you know better? Let me be the teacher. Just listen!” Do we try to reinvent our approaches or succumb to our knowledge curse? Do we try to unlearn patterns that might not serve us well over time? When we start asking ourselves questions like these, we begin to look at things from a beginner’s mind, a concept that has its roots in Zen Buddhism. A beginner’s mind perspective teaches us to quiet the expert within us and see things from a fresh perspective. While an expert may claim to know a lot, a beginner starts learning on a clean slate with no prejudices or preconceived ideas. The beginner’s mind perspective is not just helpful when it comes to learning or experiencing something; it can be catalytic in rediscovering ourselves, improving relationships, and finding meaning in life. With such a mindset, we can periodically create ways to stimulate ourselves intellectually, emotionally, and physiologically. When we become curious about our partners, parents, or friends, we understand more about them instead of assuming things about them, blaming them, and complaining. When we struggle to find meaning in our lives, the beginner’s mind perspective can help us reconstruct possibilities and seek new ways to find coherence. So, how can we start applying the beginner’s mind? Questioning our psychosocial conditioning is one possible way. What we got exposed to as youngsters—is it still helping us? If yes, what can we do to make our experiences even better? If not, how can we reinvent our experience altogether? A strong urge to be accepted and seen can also get in the way of exercising our minds like beginners. In the kind of collective cultures in which we live, we tend to do what our parents, peers, and close ones do to feel a sense of belonging, which is a basic human need. At times, the need to fit in gets in our way, and due to the fear of judgment, rejection, and alienation, we stop discovering new possibilities. Exercising a beginner’s mind needs us to be open to experiences. It requires curiosity over assumptions, overconfidence, complaints, falsified interpretations, and blatant criticism. Since I have learned the concept, I try to exercise it mostly in my learning and reflections. So, when it comes to journaling, now I try to ask myself different questions that allow me to reflect on my experiences from a fresh perspective, if not always, most of the time. As a result, the process has become reconnecting and more meaningful for me. I make an effort to exercise it, even when planning for sessions as an Emotional Intelligence Practitioner/Facilitator. So, even when the fundamental principles I teach/facilitate are the same, the experiences, examples, and stories I bring about keep changing James Clear, one of my favorite authors, once said, “We are all idiots, but if you have the privilege of knowing that, then you can start to let go of your preconceptions and approach life with a beginner’s mind.” So, what will you start looking at with a fresh perspective? The author is the Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com
‘How are you?’ can be more than just a conversation starter
In a virtual meeting, I was once a part of, the facilitator asked, “How are you feeling?” After a few participants responded, it was my turn to answer. As honest as I could have been, I admitted that I was a little stressed because I had had a morning full of hustle. But, before I could fully express my thoughts, he cut me short and cross-questioned, “Why are you giving space to stress and negativity in your life? We all go through highs and lows. It doesn’t mean we should let them affect us. As far as I’m concerned, I never take stress because there’s no point.” I could sense that the facilitator came from a place of good intentions when he said all that. However, the interaction made me think of all the times I faced the pressure to remain positive despite feeling otherwise. Back in school, when I was crying over a bad experience, a friend asked me to stop because if anybody saw they would make fun of me. When I was going through a difficult period in my life back in 2015, a mentor figure asked me to stop fussing over my failed dreams and jump forth to face the life I had in front of me. Two years ago, when I was grieving a friend’s death, I was asked not to mourn a lot because death is inevitable. In retrospect, I don’t doubt the competence of those who tried consoling me, nor do I have questions about their intentions. I’m thankful that they gave me a sense of hope when I needed it the most. But I’ve also come to realize that in the culture that we belong to, in the society that we live in, expressing unpleasant emotions accurately often comes with high stakes. I have experienced this, and I think you might have too. I think there are a few reasons why this happens. First, we sometimes ask not to hear but to answer. We can perhaps already think of instances when we’ve done this. We, humans, are generally not great listeners. As a natural consequence, we fail to understand and empathize with others. It’s compassionate of us to want someone to experience the pleasant spectrum of emotions. Does it mean we would not be willing to hear their unpleasant experiences, thoughts, and feelings if and when the people in our life share them? Second, we feel it’s our responsibility to advise people when they share their thoughts or feelings with us. We’re bad at taming our advice monster, and it often fuels our expert view on the lives of others. I’ve succumbed to this thought process many times, only to realize how forceful and unreceptive I was. In the conversations that I have had with people in recent years, I’ve seen how asking meaningful questions has helped me understand people better and connect with them. I believe curiosity creates more possibilities than unsolicited comments. So, if someone tells us they’re experiencing negative thoughts or emotions, we can try asking them, “Why are you feeling so? What do you need? and What would comfort you in this situation?” There’s a chance that asking such questions might help the concerned person reflect upon their situation. They might even further share their reflections with us. However, considering factors like the closeness of the relationship, the context of the conversation, and the nature of the person involved, they may not want to share their thoughts with us. What we can best do in such situations is acknowledge their initial expression and give them space. If we’re close to them, we can (with intentions to help) assure them that we’ll be around if they need us. Discussing unpleasant emotions shouldn’t be such a taboo. In fact, not doing so can often compel us to act unintentionally, create conflicts in relationships, and make us feel anxious, perpetually resentful, and in worst cases, depressed. One might argue that discussing unpleasant thoughts and emotions won’t make them go away. It sure won’t, but it can give us insights into our interpretation of negative experiences. It can help us create an environment where we can discuss emotions as valuable data and not just natural occurrences of our being. Coming back to the virtual meeting that I was talking about earlier, I was a little put off by the generic suggestions the facilitator gave me. A few seconds later, I wondered how many people make an earnest effort to ask someone how they are feeling. When I realized this, I could handle my disappointment. I thanked him for his keenness and told him I had just shared my thoughts as honestly as I could. He responded with a smile. The author is the linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com
Understanding the relationship between needs, emotions, and actions
Some of the biggest challenges we experience as humans are identifying our emotions, understanding them, and expressing them to facilitate understanding and cooperation. To overcome these challenges, Emotional Literacy (the ability to identify, understand, label, and express emotions positively) can help us. It leads to increased self-awareness (being clear about what we need in a given moment and directing our behavior or making choices accordingly) and increased empathy (connecting with the feelings and needs of other people to get to know and understand them better). It can also help develop empathic communication skills (listening for the needs in what others share and communicating our needs to reduce conflicts, miscommunication, and misunderstandings). How do we get started on developing better Emotional Literacy? Understanding three principles can help in this regard. Principle #1: At any moment, we are trying to meet universal, all-inclusive needs (like physical safety, emotional support, respect, peace, learning, contribution, etc.). What to unlearn: We usually think that having or expressing needs is an act of selfishness. When someone vocalizes their needs, we call them needy, clingy, and self-obsessed. What to learn instead: The truth is that we all have needs. More often than not, we are unaware of our needs. Even if we are, we don’t know how to express those needs without unpleasantly impacting the listener. Principle #2: Our emotions (such as anger, disgust, joy, calmness, frustration, relief, etc.) hint at our met and unmet needs. What to unlearn: We usually think that some emotions are ‘good’, such as trust, surprise, and happiness, while we label anger, sadness, disgust, and fear as supposedly ‘bad’ emotions. When we see our emotions as good or bad, we tend to chase pleasant emotions and run away from unpleasant ones. It is also what we call ‘toxic positivity.’ What to learn instead: To become emotionally literate is to understand that emotions may be unpleasant and pleasant. They are not good or bad because they send us signals about our met and unmet needs. Once we understand this principle that governs our emotional well-being, we become aware of what needs cause our pleasant feelings and what unmet needs cause unpleasant feelings so we can eventually handle our unpleasant feelings well. Principle #3: Everything we do with our actions or inactions (using our body) is an attempt to meet our underlying needs (for example, talking, remaining silent, eating, running, etc.). What to unlearn: “This person loves making my life a living hell!” “I know they did that to see me in pain!” We often make assumptions like these when the actions of people around us are unhelpful in fulfilling our needs. What to learn instead: Someone’s actions or inactions are their ways to primarily meet their needs and not make our lives difficult. Understanding this means seeing things as they are and not making false assumptions and stories. As a result, we become more empathic and focus on fostering mutual understanding instead of blaming, complaining, and judging people for being unhelpful, ignorant, or troublesome. Here are a few examples to understand the three principles better. You value/need communication and closeness with your friends. You call them up, but no one answers. Due to your unmet needs, you end up feeling sad. You are struggling with a project at work, so you need support and consideration. You reach out to a colleague for help, and he/she provides you with guidance and support for which you feel thankful. You value/need efficiency, so you try to ensure that you follow a routine to submit your assignment on time. The internet goes off right when you’re about to submit your work, and you start panicking because you might miss the deadline. You value/need physical safety. You feel safe and relieved when you see other people around you wearing a mask so that you don’t contract the virus from one another. You value/need peace and harmony, so when an elder in the family talks to you loudly, you feel fearful and disgusted. All these examples point to three things—at any given moment, we have one or more needs, our needs cause us to experience certain emotions, and to fulfill our needs, we either rely on some actions or inactions (using our bodies). Do these principles make sense to you? Think of a recent activity you did. Would you agree that you were trying to meet one or more of your needs through that action? Did you feel pleasant or unpleasant based on whether your actions/inactions helped you meet your needs? None of the emotions are good or bad. They are signals of our universal needs, which we try to fulfill through actions or inactions. Those actions can prove to be either healthy or unhealthy in due course of time, but emotions are not good or bad in and of themselves. The clearer we are in navigating the cyclic relationship between needs, emotions, and actions, the more we can connect with ourselves and others. The author is the Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com
Dealing with discomfort
Show me a way out; perhaps there is one? for this time seems to be feeding on me; long before it is gone, it will change me into a living corpse: a body that forgets to feel.
Show me a way out; perhaps there is one? for this fate seems forever binding despite the choices, despite the redemptive intention; I seldom want my life to be left alone to chance.
I wrote this poem in my diary on 15 May 2020. It had been a tough week, and these words best represented my thoughts and feelings. As I look back, I realize this poem doesn’t only express what was alive in me but many people during the pandemic and the lockdown. Amid the slowdown and plenty of time for connection with loved ones, we lived in constant uncertainty, worry, and sadness. These unpleasant feelings brought a lot of discomfort, and many of us navigated them with lots of difficulties. What was responsible for the hard time we had managing our unpleasant feelings? Was it just the pandemic? At least, I’m far from thinking so. If anything, that period held up a mirror to show us our inability to deal with hopelessness, anxiety, fear, annoyance, worry, anger, and sadness (and recognize them in the first place). Have we gotten any better at it? We never will until we see our unpleasant emotions as obstacles and contribute to a culture that enables toxic positivity. While there is no one specific antidote to the unpleasantness that may overwhelm us from time to time, there are a few ways in which we can check in with ourselves whenever we feel gripped by unpleasant thoughts and emotions. The first thing we might want to remind ourselves of is that we aren’t the only ones who experience unpleasant emotions. Next, recognizing unpleasant emotions will help us understand the message they try to give us. Often our limited vocabulary prevents us from understanding our own experiences and what we might need. For example, we are angry when we find something problematic. We feel disgusted when we try to reject something we find unhealthy, while sadness is a sign that we have experienced some loss and are longing to connect with a loved one. Recognizing what we feel allows us a deeper understanding of our experiences. What we can then do is take a step further to accept the thoughts and emotions that we experience. Denial, repression, and ignorance make matters worse by bottling what we feel inside of us and making us react eventually—in uncalled-for ways. As humans, we have the power of acceptance and reflection, so we might as well exercise that. By accepting the state of our being, we can acknowledge what is alive in us. By reflecting, we can uncover what our thought processes and emotional states could be telling us. What is making us uncomfortable, sad, worried, or anxious? Are we making things worse by avoiding, blaming, and complaining? What unmet needs of ours are causing our unpleasant emotions? What could those needs possibly be, and how can we try fulfilling them? These questions can help us. While awareness (in itself) is a strategy for management when it comes to our emotions, what has almost always helped me manage my emotions well, express them in constructive ways, and gain perspective, is by having meaningful conversations. Most of the time, we stay inside our heads and play out some thoughts repeatedly. While none of us are exempt from this phenomenon, we can find a way out by talking to a trusted person. A friend, a family member, a mentor, or a partner—someone we can trust to listen to us non-judgmentally, ask us questions, and provide us with some insights on our situation. If we find having conversations difficult when overwhelmed, we can find other means to help us express our emotions. Writing, exercising some form of art, and expressing ourselves through music are some engagements that can help us reconnect with ourselves in trying to manage our discomfort. It’s just a matter of finding out what works for us. In figuring out ways to deal with the discomfort that unpleasant thoughts and emotions can bring, we also need to develop patience. In a world of convenience and fast-paced solutions, we might want to fix our thoughts and feelings as conveniently and quickly as possible. But that might not help us in the long run. We may be living in a world full of modern infrastructures and technological aids, but our biological wiring is a result of hundreds and thousands of years of evolution. So, we need to give those thoughts and emotions time to sink in. We need to make ourselves a bit more open to experiencing those feelings so that we are more resilient for the next time we go through something similar. If we think about it, discomfort doesn’t make life inconvenient. Not recognizing it, understanding its cause, and inability to deal with discomfort are the causes of our inconvenience. As Susan David, the author of ‘Emotional Agility’, says, “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” The author is the linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com
A lack of emotional intelligence will hurt you and others
You and your friend are conversing over a cup of coffee during the weekend. Everything’s fine until you have conflicting perspectives on a certain topic. You initially try to listen to your friend say the exact opposite of what you believe, but it eventually becomes difficult. The next thing you know, you can’t stand your friend and say something like, “Oh, what do you know?” (Inside your head, if not out loud.) And now, I’m sure you’ve already pictured some of the plausible worst-case scenarios that might follow. Hurting ourselves vs understanding ourselves You possibly wanted a great time reconnecting with your friend. Soon those intentions go astray. You start arguing, believing that your friend is against you. You then continue small talk, go home and take some time off, or storm off. You feel regretful and angry. You start questioning, “Am I the one incapable of explaining myself?” “Is it that difficult for someone to understand me?” With emotional intelligence, we can save ourselves from hurt. Instead of readily acting upon the emotions that arise, we make efforts to pause and understand what’s going on. Emotional intelligence can give us this reality check. It can help us remind ourselves that others don’t have to agree with us to understand us. To understand ourselves better, we can:
- Keep a log of our thoughts, emotions, and actions; journal daily.
- Ask ourselves what matters to us.
- Practice observing ourselves in the third person, meaning rather than saying, “I did this...” “This happened to me...” we see ourselves like another person and say, “This person earlier was talking to her friends joyfully.” “This person is now trying to do her work, but she is distracted by notifications.” We judge ourselves too often, but practicing third-person observation can open us to knowing ourselves better.
- Look for our recurring patterns and what they might be telling us. Let’s say we check messages but don’t reply until much later. What might it mean? It could either mean that we need time to process what we will say, we may be hesitant to get back, or perhaps we’re forgetful.
- Notice our judgments since they communicate our underlying values. For instance, if we judge our friend for talking over us, we probably value listening or giving each other the space to share thoughts.
- Ask them what their needs are.
- Become curious about their thoughts, recurring emotional states, and what they usually spend their time doing.
- Notice their opinions without judgment to know their values. For instance, if they tell us that gossiping puts them off, they probably value authentic communication and empathy.
- Try to know what they enjoy, what challenges them, and where they need support.
- Understand how our actions impact them and what we can do to make their life easier.
- Take time with our loved ones to communicate what is going well for us, where we’re struggling, and how we need their support or understanding.
- Convey our priorities, needs, and values.
- Communicate about our expectations of them rather than waiting around for them to read our minds.
