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Becoming better versions of ourselves requires self-awareness. It asks of us to think about our daily choices and how those choices are compounding—either for better or for worse. Being purposeful means connecting our daily choices with our long-term vision of who we wish to be as individuals. So let’s say in the long run we want to be a person who cares for the environment. But if we’re using plastic bags daily, wasting water while brushing teeth in the morning or showering, using non-degradable products, are we being purposeful? 

Practicing being a person who cares for the environment would mean we would use cloth bags instead of plastic ones, use water mindfully, and choose biodegradable or eco-friendly products. Yes, we’d like others to follow our lead and live more eco-friendly lifestyles. But we also don’t want to be the kind of person who doesn’t want to understand other people’s choices and reasons for doing as they do.

We would like to grow into individuals who can listen and empathize and inspire others to become better. Being purposeful helps us take actions now, which will add value to the person we want to be in the long-term future while also enabling us to understand other people's long-term vision. Clarity around three concepts—goals, meaning and purpose—can help us be self-aware:

Goals are what we either do or wish to do in the days ahead. They include what we want to achieve in the short-term or long-term future. We create goals to get better in one or more areas in life like health, time management, academic performance, relationships, or professional development. Goals are specific, measurable, and attainable. An example of a ‘goal’ can be to become physically fit, which might require us to exercise every day for 30 minutes, eat home-cooked food three times a day, and sleep every day for eight hours.

Meaning is the reason behind our goals. It explains why we do what we do and why our ‘goals’ are important to us. Meaning gives the motivation to continue making choices that help us achieve our goals and shape us into the individuals we want to be. So let’s say if our goal is to be physically fit, ‘meaning’ can help us figure out ‘why’ we want to become so. It could either be that we want to build strong immunity, feel confident through physical fitness, become active, fight a medical condition, or lead a healthy lifestyle.

Purpose is the impact we wish to have on the people and world around us. Purpose means the bigger picture that we have in mind when making our day-to-day choices and connecting with the people in our lives. When we’re purposeful, it becomes a constant reminder for us to keep doing what we do and helps us connect with people who could benefit from our help. What can be the purpose if our goal is to become physically fit? Maybe it is to lead by example so that people around us also care about maintaining their physical health and benefit from leading healthy lifestyles.

While goals are more actionable, meaning and purpose guide us in terms of our thought process. Most of the time, we create goals, but we don’t know why (we can’t figure out the meaning behind our goals) or the impact we wish to have in the world (the purpose of our actions and choices). If we don’t think through the meaning and purpose of our daily choices, goals can’t be sustainable.

Goals, meaning and purpose also create a cycle. Our purpose guides us in creating goals. Our goals further help us become better in life areas that are meaningful to us. Together goals, meaning, and purpose can help us put our long-term vision in action.

The author is Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

Do you dread taking feedback? I know I have for the longest time, even from those who mean well to me. Thoughts like, “Malai ta yeti pani aaudaina!”, “Maile jahile kaam bigarchu” would repeatedly play in my head even though the inputs I received were most needed for my growth. It took me a long time to overcome this pattern as I went through inner conflict when receiving feedback.

As I look back, most of the remarks directed my way during school on my assignments or exam tests- either came in the form of praise or insult. There was no in-between. My actions either made me ‘Gyaani baccha’ or a ‘Kaam nalagne manche’ at home. In my relationships, when I met other people’s expectations, I became ‘Ramro’, ‘Maya garne’ or ‘Care garne manche’. But the moment I thought about myself, I got greeted with comments like, “You only think about yourself”.

Over the years, I internalized the criticism and labeling from others as my internal voice. So much so that even when the people who wished well for me gave me any feedback—it became a reason for me to look down upon myself. Of course, it didn’t serve me but it took me a long time to realize this.

No one is to blame. My parents, teachers, friends, acquaintances, loved ones—they didn’t know there was a better way out, neither did I. They treated me the way others treated them. They considered normal, what they found normal around them. Sadly, I absorbed this black-and-white labeling from the people around me. So, even when no one would be around to label my actions good or bad, I started doing so on my own without any external prescription.

Let’s take an example. I once accepted a client’s renewed proposal without first checking-in with my supervisor. The next day when I informed my supervisor about it, he made me aware of how my actions had led to a loss of revenue for the organization.

The moment I received that feedback, I had judgmental thoughts like, “I can’t do anything right!” But eventually, I started looking for the deeper messages behind those judgments. I made an effort to transform them into feelings and needs.

How was I feeling?

Despite trying to help and contribute, my actions fueled a misunderstanding. I felt angry, hopeless, and sad.

What were the underlying messages behind my feelings?

The unpleasant feelings of anger, hopelessness, and sadness came from my unmet needs of being effective in what I do and remaining accountable to my team.

It’s easier to keep labeling, blaming, and criticizing when things go wrong. We either exert this blame outside or take it in. In my case, I blamed myself.

The good news is that self-awareness can help us look beyond the surface of judgments. In any situation, if I know how I am feeling and what my needs/expectations are, I can ask myself: What options do I have? It can help me think of choices that I can make to become a better version of myself.

So, what options did I have

Since I wanted to be effective in what I do and remain accountable to my team, I consulted my supervisor and talked to the client. I informed the client about the problem and recommended a possible solution, which thankfully eventually worked out.

I questioned myself many times why I couldn’t take feedback constructively. Why did I perceive it as an attack? (It wasn’t meant to be an attack on me). I continually reflected and found out that I lacked awareness about my deeper feelings, needs, and choices/actions that would help me take the feedback constructively and work on it.

Instead of bloating myself with pride when I did something well and ripping myself of my worth if I failed at something else, I started connecting with my feelings, needs, and actions. This practice helped me work on my relationship with myself and helped improve how I took feedback. The next time you receive feedback, ask yourself the same set of questions: What are your feelings? What are the underlying messages behind those feelings? What are your options?

The author is Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com.

Udita (name changed) had an important work presentation on the first day of the week. She was both nervous and anticipative about the meeting. She had 25 minutes to go before logging in to the video conferencing app when her mother showed up in her room and asked her to join for lunch. Udita told her mom that she would eat later as it was almost time for her remote meeting. Her mom got upset no sooner and told her, “It seems like all other people at my home have important work to do, only I am the free and useless one here.” Those words got to Udita's nerves, and she frowned, “Not again!” before turning to her presentation. Her mom stormed off.

In this kind of situation, it can be easy to slip into judgmental thoughts about oneself and others. This, in turn, fuels misunderstanding, miscommunication and conflict.

Udita had a few minutes to go before the presentation, but her mind was constantly flashing back to the interaction she had with her mom. She, in fact, quickly realized that she was having judgmental thoughts about her mom like ‘she never understands’, ‘what would she know about the pressure I’m under?’ She knew she couldn’t continue to do so if she wanted her presentation to go well and not worsen the relationship with her mother.

Practicing self-connection

Self-connection is about connecting with our own feelings and needs rather than getting stuck in a cycle of blaming and justifications. When we shift from judgments to self-connection, we create space to acknowledge what’s really going on for us.

We can ask the following questions to connect with ourselves:

- Khas ma k bhako ho? (What really happened?)

Udita separated her judgments from what happened in the situation. She recalled that her mom told her, "It seems like all other people at my home have important work to do, only I am the free and useless one here," to which she responded, “Not again!” This step is important because it helps us break our narrative and see things for what they really are. It is about ‘seeing with our eyes and ears’ rather than making assumptions and jumping into conclusions.

-How do I feel?

Once we identify the trigger, we can move towards how we interpret the event that transpired. Udita checked in with herself and realized she felt annoyed and discouraged upon hearing her mom's words.

-What do I need?

Without emotional literacy, it might have been easy for Udita to believe that her mother caused her feelings of annoyance and discouragement. The truth is, her mother’s words and actions only triggered those feelings in Udita. Her feelings emerged from her unmet needs for support and understanding, which she sought in the relationship with her mother.

-Do I have a specific request to myself or someone else?

Udita then realized she perhaps needed to focus on doing the presentation well for the time being. She decided to approach her mother and know what was going on for her after the presentation. Once we realize what we need, it is easier to then look for strategies to meet those needs.

Self-connection allowed Udita the space to tune in to her own feelings and needs instead of getting stuck in judgmental thoughts. Now she has a better chance at meeting her needs for support and understanding as opposed to when she was stuck in judgmental thoughts about her mother like ‘she never understands’, ‘what would she know about the pressure I’m under?’

When we can better connect with our own feelings and needs, we also improve the chances of understanding the feelings and needs of the other person. Empathizing with another person immediately after a triggering event can be difficult. It helps to first recognize our judgmental thoughts and to use those as cues to first connect with what’s really going on for us.

The author is Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com.

There are certain ways we engage with others that are likely to create more distance in relationships. These automatic ways of reacting can lead us to feel frustration at best and have conflicts at worst. Lucy Leu coined the term ‘4Ds of Disconnection,’ which explains four ways that create distance in interpersonal relationships. Let’s understand each of these disconnecting factors and the impact they can have on our relationships as well as our own well-being:

Diagnosis: In our day-to-day interactions, it’s easy for us ‘diagnose’ other people—meaning we find it convenient to blame, criticize, and judge. Diagnosis fuels defensiveness and discord in our interpersonal relations. Who likes to be blamed, judged, or criticized after all? Let’s take my own experience. I have always been an introvert, and I prefer one-one conversations and interactions with a closer group of people instead of parties and gatherings. Some of my relatives take this reality with a pinch of salt.

I remember this one time I went to a family gathering a few years ago when one of my relatives told me straight to my face, “You’re such a loner!” This comment became my self-fulfilling prophecy for not going to gatherings any more. We’re readily subject to being diagnosed in different kinds of social contexts—be it while commenting on someone’s weight (kasto moti bhaeko!) the moment we meet them or judging someone based on two or three interactions we’ve had with them (kasto kichkiche cha). Diagnosis is telling people what they are. When we do this, we get cut off from truly listening and learning what might be going on for them.

Denial of responsibility:  When we deny personal responsibility, we blame others for our choices and actions. We tend to take the ‘anyone but me’ approach. For example, we might say, “It is because you were not listening that I had to raise my voice!” “You make me feel alone.” “I have trust issues because you never tell me what you are up to.” In all of these expressions, if you notice, I, as a speaker, am not acknowledging my choices. I’m instead pointing at others, trying to make them feel guilty, and blaming them for what they did or did not do. Denial of responsibility, therefore, bars us from accepting that we do have personal accountability for our thoughts, feelings and actions.

Deserve: A ‘deserve’ language fuels disconnection because we try to become the judge of another person. We measure other people’s actions and behaviors in terms of whether they deserve reward or punishment. When we operate from this mindset, we are less concerned about connecting and more about who deserves what. This makes us lose connection with another person’s needs, objectives and challenges as we are focused more on what we think is right and what we think is wrong.

Demand: Demand in relationships implies the threat of punishment for others if they don’t comply with what we want. If they disagree, we try to make them submit through fear or guilt. You might have noticed that when we make demands, we might not necessarily threaten others with physical punishment but resort to emotional punishment like laying guilt and making ourselves the victim.

Consider a couple that has been planning to go on a trip after the ease in Covid situation. The partner who came up with the trip idea is excited. The other is wrapping his head around the work he needs to get done, now that his office resumed after months of hiatus. His concern may be to get things started at work, but if his partner is not aware of the four 4Ds of Disconnection, she might not be ready to hear a ‘no’ from him.

When he asks her to reschedule the trip, she might probably try to make him feel guilty. “I thought spending quality time with me meant something to you!” “I was getting excited in vain; you surely have more important things to take care of!” If not through guilt, she might subject him to criticism or judgment to make him comply with what she wants. “You worry about all other things in your life, but I am nowhere in it.” “You’re such a selfish person!”

‘Diagnosis’, ‘denial of responsibility’, ‘deserve’ and ‘demands’ are life-alienating forms of communication. They contribute to frustration at best and conflicts at worst. While we can’t escape from other people’s unconscious disconnecting behaviors, we can try not to reciprocate them in our interpersonal relationships.

The author is Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

We have a problem. We don’t share what we need, create stories in our heads about why others will not understand and end up blaming them for how unpleasant we feel.

How often have you wished for people around you to read what's on your mind without having to express it? How often have you expected them to understand what you wanted without communicating? I know I have. When they have failed to predict what I needed in some situations, I've aid things like, "Malai kasaile bujhdaina" or “Mero barema matlab bhaeko bhaye afai bujhi halthyo ni!”

It is understandable that we have expectations from people we live and work with. However, imagine your default being expecting from others without communicating what you need and being frustrated when things don’t go as you hoped for. Miscommunication, misunderstandings, and conflicts would ensue. This is what we experience most of the time, don’t we? When we try to save the effort of making ourselves understood, problems are bound to follow.

Empathic communication can help us. It means putting aside the assumptions and interpretations we have about each other and trying to understand what we need, what matters to us, and how we can support each other.

Here is an example of connecting with your partner:

 What went well today?

They might mention things that went well at work, how they completed a long overdue assignment or the fact that they worked out. You can then share your high moments of the day—no matter how big or small. Such a conversation will allow both of you to understand what you enjoy and hold dearly.

What did not go well today? What was bothering you?

Here you and your partner will have the space to address things or events that were unpleasant throughout the day. You two can share what did not go well for you both at work, school, with your parents, children, or some area of your life. Here your partner might even be able to share how some of your actions or behaviors might have caused them difficulty and how the same might have happened for you too. They might say, “I was looking forward to talking to you, but you didn’t pick my call earlier today.” “I was hoping to see the dishes washed after getting home since you promised to help with it.”

What are you looking forward to?

Despite the highs and lows, there might be some things or events you and your partner might be looking forward to. For your partner, it might be a work presentation, a date with you over the weekend, or meeting some friends. For you, it could be a football match, watching a movie together, or applying for a fellowship or a program. Sharing what you both are anticipating can help you find spaces to support each other.

As in the example above, we can use a simple tool—‘Rose, Thorn, Bud’ to reflect on our daily experiences and connect with each other—colleagues at work, friends and parents.

Rose is a highlight, success, or something positive that happened throughout the day. Ask yourself and others: What's a recent highlight? What's a small win or success you've experienced? What made you proud?

Thorn is a challenge or struggle you experienced or something for which you require more support. Ask yourself and others: What has been challenging? What is causing difficulty or stress? What needs your attention moving forward?

Bud is a new idea, possibility, or something you are looking forward to knowing, understanding, or experiencing more. Ask yourself and others: What are you looking forward to? What opportunities or events are exciting you? What possibilities need growth and nurturing?

Using the Rose, Thorn, Bud can help us with:

1. Self-awareness: We better understand what’s going well, what’s not and what we are looking forward to.

2. Empathy: We better understand what’s going well for others, what’s not and what they are looking forward to.

3. Empathic Connection: We give others a better chance at understanding what our inner world has been like and how, perhaps, they could contribute to our wellbeing. Likewise, we could do the same for them.

Understanding ourselves and other people is not easy, but with effort and the right resources, we can create an environment where doing so becomes a deliberate and engaging process.

The author is Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

In many Emotional Intelligence workshops I have facilitated, I often come across questions like, “If I am okay the way I am, wouldn’t discussing emotions make me an overthinker?” “Isn’t it likely that talking about emotions would make us more vulnerable and emotional than we already are?” “Wouldn’t reflecting on emotions make our decision-making process more complex?”

All these questions stem from how we perceive emotions in our culture. For some of us, emotions denote weakness as we view them as getting in the way of operating rationally. But emotions have an all-encompassing role to play in our lives. Emotions matter. They impact our learning and the way we make decisions. They affect the way we treat other people. Most importantly, they impact our well-being. No human is exempt from feeling emotions, but what separates the emotionally intelligent ones is their awareness of their emotional patterns and some idea about their management.

Reflecting on our emotions doesn’t have to mean ‘overthinking’ or ‘taking things too seriously,’ as is usually perceived. There is a distinct difference between the two. Reflecting on emotions to understand ourselves and our patterns better is much different to playing thoughts repeatedly in our heads. Emotional self-awareness is the process of reflecting on how we feel (pleasant or unpleasant emotional experiences) as induced by different situations or interactions (triggers) and what do those emotions signal (fulfilled or unfulfilled needs).

There was a point last year when my brother wasn’t getting as good grades as he did previously, and it was affecting my parents. My mother especially had a hard time processing it because she is an educator and values learning above everything else. Whenever she saw my brother use the phone or laptop, she would start telling him how incompetent he was becoming because of his over-indulgence in gadgets. She would blame him for his carelessness and incompetence. And, as a natural reaction, my brother would either shut himself up completely or start quarreling continuously.

When it became too much to take, I decided to intervene. Of course, such intense cycles of blaming and accusing wouldn’t stop after a single conversation, so it took a lot of effort on my part to help them express and understand what they were really trying to tell each other.

Also read: Ignore the science of vastu shastra at your peril 

I eventually found that what my mother wanted to express was a feeling of disappointment. She didn’t want to accept that while she helped other students improve their learning, her own son wasn’t doing well academically. Her need was to be helpful to her son. On the other hand, my brother felt hurt because instead of receiving generous concern and a helping hand from my mother, he was being blamed and criticized. He needed his mother to understand why he wasn’t doing well and help him find a way out.

When both of them were able to connect with each other’s feelings and needs, I witnessed them becoming more open to resolving the problem. They worked together to improve my brother’s grades. There are many high-stake situations like this in our relationships. In such situations, if we can try to pause and reflect on our feelings and needs, we can respond in an emotionally mature way rather than getting trapped in a continuous cycle of blame and judgment.

Another common notion when it comes to emotions is that it’s equivalent to sadness or vulnerability. ‘Pheri senti kura garna khojyo’, ‘dherai deep naho depression hola’, ‘chod yesto kura, drink garna jum baru’ are phrases we often hear from others when we want to express our true feelings. However, when we say that being emotional is more or less similar to being sad, we make a false claim. Sadness is just one emotion out of an array of different ranges and intensities of emotions that we get exposed to in our daily lives.

Being emotional could mean anything—it could mean being happy, anxious, stressed, disgusted, joyful, calm, angry, hopeful, and so on. Sadness is also one of the emotions we experience—it’s not the entirety of our emotional experience. Emotional vulnerability helps us acknowledge, understand, and express a full range of our feelings. When we engage in relationships that don’t give us permission to feel, we might feel overly observed, judged, ashamed, or rejected. 

Self-awareness enables us to respond in helpful ways and sometimes this could help reduce emotional distance in relationships. Of course, this process can’t be completed overnight but the investment we are making in understanding our reactions and patterns can make our personal and professional lives so much better. To do this, we have to learn to distinguish between ‘being emotional’ and ‘discussing emotions’.

The author is a linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence