One of my friends recently graduated with an engineering degree but dreams of becoming a writer. His family insists he should get a secure job in his field, but he feels his creativity and passion are stifled and can’t tell his parents about it. How can young professionals navigate the conflict between following their passions and meeting societal or family expectations for a stable career?

Answered by Aditya Dangol, mental health professional

The argument of whether it is right for parents to decide their children’s career path has been historically controversial. Nepal is a collectivist society. It values keeping harmony, making collective decisions that benefit the group, and having a high regard for older generations. Unfortunately, many families may hold these values strongly to the extent that individual desires and choices are overlooked. This culture is heavily reflected in parental influence on an individual’s career choices. Families may attempt to convince their members to pursue career options such as engineering, medicine, and aviation which promise, real or perceived, economic security, and high social recognition. In many instances, individuals conform to the expectations of their family members over pursuing their desired career paths. Although people tend to succeed in sectors their families pushed them into, many accounts of resentment and frustration toward their families have been reported.

Your friend can’t seem to choose between following their passion and meeting family/societal expectations. Depending on what’s important for you as an individual, whether you follow your passion or fulfill your ‘responsibilities’ towards your family, both are ideal scenarios. However, being in the latter position seems to have become more of an unpleasant experience. In such scenarios, consider these questions: “Would it be possible for me to invest some time into writing while I’m pursuing engineering?”, “Do I want to pursue writing as a full-time career or be more flexible with it?”, “Is there a possibility of either of your choices to be sustainable for you, in the future? 

Navigating yourself in conflicts of career choices or any value clash between family members can be tricky. It might be difficult and even scary to communicate your choices that deter from or even oppose your family’s values. However, difficult conversations are important. It provides a space for members to understand and empathize with one another. What we can work on is how we have those conversations. Generally, it’s suggested that such interactions are most effective when done one-on-one rather than addressed to a group. Equally important is to ensure that all parties involved are in an emotionally relaxed state. Emotionally charged conversations cause more unhealthy conflicts. If you plan on having this difficult conversation, preparing yourself by discussing it with a trusted one can help you feel ready. I must be honest, there is still a chance of conflict even if all these rules are followed. However, understand that conflicts can be healthy and help solve ‘hushed’ problems.

Setting boundaries or asserting yourself could be perceived as disrespectful by family members, leading to conflict. While we must stay respectful, healthy conflict between members is a natural and necessary part of any relationship. Most conflicts arise due to the clash of individual values and perspectives, which likely have never had the chance to surface. Avoid arguments when emotionally charged (leave the room or space if you have to). Have a one-on-one conversation after things have calmed down (prevents interference from other members). Don’t bring old issues and, if needed, discuss it with a trusted individual beforehand.