Mind Matters | Dealing with heartbreak

At 21, I thought I had found the love of my life. We were inseparable, planning our future together. Then she met someone else and left me. I was devastated. The heartbreak was unbearable. I started having panic attacks and got depressed. I couldn’t eat or sleep, and the stress made me physically ill, leading to several hospital visits. My family tried to support me, but they didn’t fully understand my pain. Now she’s happy with him, and I’m trying to piece my life back together. I never expected to face such intense heartbreak at this age and I don’t know what to do.

Answered by Kapil Sharma, counseling psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health

I know this pain can feel unbearable, and facing such a difficult challenge is truly hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It might seem impossible to move forward right now, but believe me, you can get through this grief. Healing takes time, and we will take it one step at a time.

When we’re emotionally bonded with someone, we share a lot of experiences and make plans for the future. This increases our emotional intimacy. When a relationship ends, it feels like a sudden loss, bringing about feelings of grief. This is a natural part of being attached to someone. Your relationship probably gave you a sense of security and belonging, so it’s normal to feel lost and disconnected when it ends.

Feeling left out can hurt our self-esteem and self-worth. You might feel betrayed or rejected, leading to an identity crisis. This is a normal process that many people go through. Developing new routines and behaviors can help. If things feel too difficult, it’s okay to reflect on them and seek professional support. If you’re already seeing a professional, keep going.

We need to experience all our emotions without judgment, whether it’s sadness, anger, or confusion. Acknowledge these feelings and go through them without judging yourself. Journaling can help—write down whatever comes to mind. This way, you can process your emotions rather than suppress them. Remember the good times, but also focus on self-help routines to create a new identity. Engage in activities you truly enjoy and try new things to rediscover who you are. If you’re going through an identity crisis, this can help build a stronger sense of self.

While creating a new identity, reflect on the present moment. Many things have changed, and with time and the right approach, the intense feelings will subside. You’ll become stronger and more resilient. Reflecting on your progress over time will help you see how far you’ve come.

Since you’re dealing with panic attacks and depression, talking to a therapist can be very helpful. Therapy can provide the emotional support you need and help you challenge negative thought patterns, rebuilding your self-esteem. It’s okay to seek therapy. Healing takes time, and it’s perfectly fine to take one thing at a time rather than overwhelming yourself. This experience can build resilience.