I’m a 70-year-old woman who’s not happy in her marriage. My husband is indifferent and insensitive. I’ve been hurt a lot. He is always saying mean things that make me upset and angry. I have even stopped talking to him. But I don’t want a divorce and neither does my husband. But our relationship is suffocating and sad. What should I do?

Answered by Rishav Koirala, psychiatrist and researcher

In the context of long-term relationships, it’s not uncommon to encounter difficulties and hurdles that test the bond between two people. It’s a positive sign that neither you nor your husband is inclined towards divorce, as this indicates a willingness to work on the relationship. To address these complex issues, it’s important to adopt a holistic approach that takes into account both your perspectives, mental health, personality issues, and various potential strategies.

Begin with self-reflection, examining your own feelings and expectations within the marriage. This introspection can help you clarify what you want from the relationship and what you are willing to contribute towards its improvement. At the same time, try to cultivate empathy towards your husband. Understand his feelings, motivation, and past experiences, as this can be instrumental in fostering mutual understanding and empathy.

Perhaps underlying mental health issues could be the reason behind your husband’s indifference and insensitivity. Long-standing emotional struggles can manifest in these ways, and seeking professional help may provide valuable insights and strategies for managing your emotions and interactions. Additionally, mental disorders like anxiety can exacerbate these issues, as they often manifest as heightened negativity, irritability, and increased emotional sensitivity. These illnesses may remain hidden for years, disguised as behavioral quirks. So, it’s always advisable to visit a mental health expert for a thorough evaluation and professional management, which can play a crucial role in maintaining a healthy and harmonious partnership.

Effective communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. Initiate open and honest conversations with your husband, choosing a time when both of you are calm and willing to engage constructively. Express your feelings, but also actively listen to your husband’s concerns without judgment. If direct communication proves to be challenging and unproductive, it may be beneficial to seek the assistance of a couples’ therapist or counselor. A neutral third party can facilitate constructive conversations and offer practical tools to improve your relationship.

In some cases, taking some time apart to reflect on your feelings and goals independently can be beneficial. This separation doesn’t necessarily imply a permanent split but can provide both of you some valuable perspective. Establishing clear boundaries is also essential. Let your husband know what specific behaviors or comments you find hurtful, and request that he respect these boundaries. Similarly, be open to acknowledging and addressing any behaviors or comments from your side that he finds problematic.

To rebuild emotional connections, spend quality time together engaging in activities that you both enjoy. This can help create positive memories and strengthen your bond. Rely on your friends and family for emotional support. They can provide valuable insights and a listening ear during this challenging time.

Above all, be patient and persistent in your efforts to make the marriage better. Understand that improving a long-standing relationship takes time and effort from both parties. The ultimate goal should be to achieve a healthier and happier life for both you and your husband, whether that means remaining together and working through these issues or pursuing separate paths while maintaining respect and understanding.