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If you look up the word ‘drama’ in the dictionary, you will see the definition “a situation made more complicated or worse than it should be; spiteful interpersonal maneuvering”. Although most of us would say the only drama we like is the ones we see in the movies, we often get entangled in unnecessary conflicts that feel disempowering. With our work at My Emotions Matter, we are interested in the question: how do we shift from disconnection to connection? We have come to realize that the starting point of this shift is the awareness of what causes us to remain in a state of disconnectedness. One useful framework that can help us better understand why we get entangled in unnecessary drama in our interpersonal relationships is the Karpman Drama Triangle. Developed by Stephen Karpman in 1968, the drama triangle starts by assuming that, at least some of the time, we’re playing less-than-ideal versions of ourselves with most of the people with whom we interact. When this happens, Karpman says, we’re bouncing around between three archetypal roles—victim, villain, and hero—each one as unhelpful and dysfunctional as the other. As you read the descriptions of each role below, do two things: bring to mind someone who’s particularly adept at each role, and bring to mind the circumstances in which you most commonly play each role. The victim: The victim’s position is ‘I have it worse’. My life is hard- things don’t work in my favor. Yes, there are times when things don’t go our way. But the victims consider themselves as inferior to others and do not want to make the effort to change their situation. Why? Because in their eyes, they are faultless. The fault is someone else’s—other people, circumstances or sometimes even the world itself is out to make their life miserable. The advantage of playing the victim card is that you don’t have to take responsibility for the problems you find yourself in. Someone else will take over your responsibilities. However, the downside to playing this role is that you constantly feel ashamed and feel stuck with a sense of uselessness. The hero: There is nothing wrong with helping others but if you help others in a way that makes both your own life and other’s lives difficult, then there is a problem. The hero is guilty of just that. Although well-intentioned, the hero looks for temporary relief to provide to the victim, thereby confirming the victim’s position. They make the victim dependent on them and as a result, feel overburdened after a while. In trying to overcome their feelings of guilt for seeing the victim suffer, the hero forgets their own responsibilities. Rushing to offer help, giving unsolicited advice, making the problem about them, etc. are all forms of wanting to ‘rescue’ others regardless of whether help has been asked or not. The villain: The villain is someone who isn’t afraid to speak their mind—often at the expense of the other person’s feelings. A villain’s position is that of a superior, who is struggling because those around them are inferior. They are quick to blame, judge, and criticize, thereby alienating those around them. The problem with playing this role is that nobody likes a bully. Soon enough, villains find themselves isolated because of trust issues. Could you think of someone while reading all three archetypes? Did you also have in mind situations in which you commonly play these roles? We all play the three roles. It’s just a matter of identifying where we are at in any given situation. A helpful concept to help us become self-aware is the ‘starting gate’—which means identifying our entry role whenever things don’t go our way. Once we play our default role, however, we are likely to switch from one role to the other. Here’s an example: Me [shouty]: This room setup is all wrong. I sent through my demands of how I want this; how hard is it just to set up the room as requested? (villain) Client [whiny]: I sent the setup sheet to the logistics people, but it’s really hard to get them to respond and I’ve had to organize this whole conference by myself without any support and… (victim) Me [resigned]: Look, don’t worry about it, I’ll just rearrange the room by myself and get the tech set up. (hero) Client [frustrated]: This is just typical speakers like you. We’re paying you too much already and you have to have everything ‘just so’ and then you take over any time you’re not happy. (villain) Me [whiny]: I’m just trying to make sure my session’s a good one. No one understands how hard it is to get a room set up the right way, and then as soon as you try, everyone hates you. (victim) Enough drama. Can we get out of the drama triangle? Karpman suggests three things. First, start with the knowledge of the roles and the switches. Second, develop an awareness of how and why you got there, and lastly, develop an awareness of the consequences of playing the roles As someone who teaches these concepts, I’m aware of how we keep coming back into the drama triangle despite learning about it. However, understanding the concept, our default role and reminding ourselves of the consequences of each role can help us act with intention and shift from conflict to connection. The author is the co-founder at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

You are invited to a party. If you could have your way, you wouldn’t go. But your family insists that you tag along. Reluctantly, you join them. No sooner have you arrived, someone at the gate decides that the best way to greet you is by commenting on your body weight or how you’ve become ‘unapproachable’ because you don’t show up anywhere. How you choose to respond will change the course of your life. We don’t exist in a vacuum but in social contexts. There’s no escaping other people. And so, being around other people means being stimulated—either for better or for worse by their words and actions. A few examples of the latter: You genuinely ask a colleague how their holiday was and they remark rather sarcastically: “I wasn’t even gone for that long!” You tell your partner what’s been bothering you but they seem to be more interested in scrolling their phone. You tell your parents why you don’t like doing certain things but they equate that with how ungrateful you are for all the struggles they had whilst raising you. And the list goes on. Let’s go back to the earlier story. You’ve been greeted with scorn and disapproval. Or that’s what you think. However you interpret your relative’s words, you already sense a disconnection. What you say next can change your world because you can choose either to suffer in silence and hate yourself for agreeing to come to the party in the first place or contribute to the violence by retaliating with hurtful words in turn or choose the route of ‘emotional intelligence’. What does choosing the route of emotional intelligence mean? For starters, it means recognizing that in every interaction, you have a choice—whether to act maturely in a way that contributes to the needs of everyone involved or, take things personally and make things worse (either by suffering in silence or participating in violence). What will determine what we will do in that situation with our relatives is the mindset that we find ourselves in. Okay, something unpleasant was directed at us. What do we see now? Do we see an obstacle in front of us that needs to be eliminated or do we, despite not agreeing with their idea of an icebreaker, see a person who is probably trying to meet their need for connection (albeit in a terrible way of expressing the need)? This moment of choice—to either see an obstacle or a person with unmet needs—shapes what we will do next. But does emotional intelligence mean being nice even when we have been treated harshly? How will the other person learn if we let him/her ‘get away’ from their negative impact? These are valid questions. Emotional Intelligence doesn’t mean we ‘act nice’ or always conform to the sort of messages of toxic positivity we see around us. To be emotionally intelligent is to simply take a step back from the grip of the emotions we might feel after our relative says those things and to ask ourselves: How am I feeling? What are my options? What do I really want? Depending on our personal life experiences, we might have different answers to the first question. But what will be common for all of us, if we approach the situation with emotional intelligence, is to realize that a mature response involves aligning the first and the third. You see, without awareness, we end up acting out on our emotions in a way that takes us away from our real goal. For example, perhaps the relative genuinely wanted to connect with us. But as soon as they saw us, they were reminded of the times we skipped family gatherings in the last year. As a result, they felt frustrated and so, in the grip of that strong emotion, said things that were harmful for us to hear, so much so that now we just don’t want to see them anymore. Instances like these are abundant around us. We might feel incredibly discouraged, or take personal responsibility for the choice we have to approach situations characterized by strong emotions, opposing views, and high stakes with insight, intention, and purpose. Of course, this choice isn’t easy because there are a few vital skills we will need to navigate this tricky situation. What we need is the ability to recognize how we are feeling and label it accurately. We must also connect how we feel with an underlying need and be able to make an empathic guess about the other person’s feelings and needs. Then there’s the ability to communicate our needs clearly and calmly and listen to the feelings and needs of the other person without making it about us. And above all, it’s important to cultivate the ability to not take it personally if the other person doesn’t want to go through this process of difficult conversation just yet. Next time you find yourself in a tricky situation, remember that your approach—to see either a person in front of you or an obstacle that needs to be eliminated—will affect what you say next. And what you say next can change your world. The author is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com.  

You are scrolling through your Facebook/Instagram feed. You see that someone you know, possibly a colleague or a school friend, has managed to secure a seat in an all-expenses paid trip to attend a conference abroad. The conference resonates with you and you realize if only you had been aware of the opportunity, you would have applied and quite possibly gotten a spot as well. You want to feel happy for your colleague or friend, but then there’s a sinking feeling inside of you that just won’t go away. With the advent of social media, it’s not uncommon for us to know what others around us are up to. We are constantly bombarded with all kinds of information. With the trend of Instagramming every little thing we do, social media can get a little overwhelming at times. Emotional intelligence is the ability to become smart and mature with our feelings. Being smart means thinking things through and not jumping to instant conclusions. Likewise, being mature means thinking not just from your perspective but from others’ perspectives too. When overwhelmed with feelings that arise from seeing others doing well in life, it’s helpful to ask ourselves some vital questions first. What am I feeling right now? Chances are, you are likely to feel one of two feelings: jealousy or envy. Although they sound similar on the surface, these two feelings couldn’t be more different. Envy doesn’t deny that seeing others do well is a bit unsettling, but it provides perspective as to what we value and would like to accomplish for ourselves. If anything, this feeling can help to push ourselves to pursue what matters to us. Watching others succeed in an area we would like to get better at can be a source of positive fuel. If you’re looking to develop your emotional intelligence, the first step is to work on the ability to label your emotions accurately. For this, you will need to develop your emotional vocabulary. When you step back and realize it’s envy that you are feeling, the next step is to understand the function of that particular emotion. Envy is telling you about something you wish for yourself that you haven’t quite managed to attain yet. If it is envy that you are in fact feeling, get into the habit of asking yourself these questions: First, what particular aspect of the news is making me feel envious? The answer would probably be along the lines of ‘I saw my friend applied to a conference and got in. I wonder how he comes to know of such opportunities. If only I was aware of such information, I would have worked hard to apply too’. Then, how does the answer to the first question relate to my short-term and long-term goals? You think to yourself: Going to such conferences would help boost my profile. I could get international exposure and bring back my learning to my own organization. Getting into one would probably be a starting point for further exposure, which would help me get opportunities to work with international clients. And then, ask yourself what you can do to take that first step toward the answer to question number two—I will approach my friend/colleague and inquire about such conferences in the future. But first, I will congratulate him. Emotions are useful data. They can help us know more about ourselves and the people around us. Instead of ignoring them or acting out on them, let us develop the skills necessary to identify, label, and understand them. Sagar Satyal is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

Have you ever been in situations at work where things didn’t exactly pan out the way you wanted them to? If you have been in the workforce for a while, chances are you have most likely put up with numerous circumstances like those. Did you also beat yourself over and over? Felt guilty at your ‘inability’ to work things out? It’s all too common for us to kick ourselves for the presentation we should have nailed but didn’t. The whole picture keeps playing on in our minds. There’s no forgetting it. We wish we could go back and change the entire story. In mindfulness, which means awareness of the present moment, we refer to two different modes on which we operate. One is the doing mode, which helps us achieve goals that the mind has set. This could mean anything from getting a simple task done to setting long-term goals for our careers. The doing mode constantly compares the present with the past and the future, and measures against what is desired, required, expected, and/or feared. On the other hand, we have the being mode, which is more concerned with the present moment. It doesn’t mean not doing anything and remaining passive. Rather, it embodies a more accepting and non-judgmental nature to what is. Imagine a scenario where you were expecting a holiday on the first of May and had made some travel plans owing to an extended weekend. However, instead of a holiday, your boss gives you a new project with a tight deadline. From a doing mode perspective, you will first fume at the seemingly harsh treatment from your boss for canceling your holiday, ruining your travel plans, and on top of that, piling up additional work burden. Although the doing mode is important for us because it helps us achieve goals, it’s also troublesome in scenarios like this when we constantly want to compare the present (no holiday with additional work) with our desires (of a holiday so that we could travel as planned) and frustrations loom large (because of the discrepancy that is now evident). This is when the being mode is of great aid. Instead of yelling at our boss or venting our frustrations that we are likely to regret later, the being mode helps us take a step back and put things into perspective. Can we change the fact that there is no holiday? No. Hence, an acceptance of this fact is crucial before we can decide on anything else. Now that we have accepted the present, we can now look ahead to see what can be done. Can we decline or postpone the project? Or is there a valid reason why it’s so urgent? Taking a pause allows us to step back and take a holistic view of the situation. A lot of times, we beat ourselves up for matters we have no control over. We feel bad because we had high expectations about how that presentation should have panned out. Doing mode is great, but it no longer serves us if the mind insists on achieving goals that are out of its control. Switching to a being mode allows us to first accept how the presentation went, and then adjust toward setting new goals moving forward. This little shift in mindful awareness to take a pause and switch between doing and being mode can greatly contribute to a happier and more fulfilling workplace and career. The author is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

Like most people his age, Ajal is about to complete his degree but senses a pressing need to improve his communication skills. He comes to me in search of a mentor who can help him become a better speaker. I’m more than happy to help him, but it’s important to dissect his problems first and then move to the possible solutions. My first question will be: what exactly do you want to improve on as a communicator and why? Is it your ability to speak with someone who is more experienced than you? Is it for you to be able to convince a group of people? Or is it about becoming a better conversationalist in general? Whatever the reason is, unless the ‘why’ of it is powerful, following through will be quite a challenge. It helps if we are specific about what we want. This aids in mapping out possible solutions going forward. If goals and reasons to get started on those goals are left vague, our energy and efforts will be misguided. It makes staying motivated and measuring progress difficult. Based on our conversation, my mentee and I jointly decide on the following two ways for him to achieve growth. Belief system upgrade: This is of paramount importance. More often than not, the meaning-making machine in our heads comes up with disempowering narratives that derail our growth. These narratives could have been inherited from as far back as our childhood. For instance, we may have been dreading public speaking ever since that one time in school when one of our school teachers humiliated us during the morning assembly. New systems for living: Simply put, this means a shift in our habits. By adopting new ways of going about doing things, we can improve our lives drastically. One important factor to remember is consistency. Instead of trying to speak in front of the mirror for an hour for a couple of days and slacking eventually, it’s much better to have deliberately focused attempts for shorter durations (maybe just 10 minutes) each day. Once the mentee gets started with his new goal, we address the next important issue. I reiterate to him an important wisdom my mentor once imparted to me: that whatever we do, it’s never about us but crucially about the people we serve. So in that case, it helps to ask one important question: what do they want and how can I add value? If you are presenting, you have to think from the audience’s perspective. If you don’t, you will speak in an irrelevant fashion. Not just with presentations, but this applies to all aspects of life. By putting yourself in the shoes of the people you wish to serve, you can be in a better position to best serve them. This is how value is created. Although it’s easy to give in to external pressures and think all our efforts have gone in vain, we need a shift in perspective. This is where the art of mindfulness comes in. We need to go back to our belief system and reinvigorate ourselves with empowering thought processes that help us continue moving in the right direction. The author is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

Under pressure to get a job because everyone else around him is working, X looks around, notices an opportunity, and immediately jumps into it. Without much consideration, he takes up the job and regrets it six months down the line. Why? Because he now feels that he isn’t ‘fit’ for the job—it’s taking him nowhere, he doesn’t feel like there’s much meaning in what he’s asked to do, and he doesn’t quite understand how he had agreed to it in the first place. No answers for guessing, but X chose the job out of desperation. The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) got the better of him. However, this took him down the path of regret. There are a lot of times when different pressures get to us and make us do things without much deliberation. We feel like it’s the best opportunity we have at that moment. Sometimes, that might be true. But, most of the time, we could do better with a slightly more deliberate attempt at finding something that fits who we are and what we want. After all, a job offer is a two-way street. Perhaps considering the following variables and making certain trade-offs might help us make slightly deliberate choices about the jobs we agree to take up. Things to consider about the organization: What is the organization like and how is its reputation in the industry and in general? Then, what culture does the organization have? What makes this organization unique and do you fit into that uniqueness? Based on the present scenario, would you be willing to mention that you were associated with this organization in your CV five years down the line? You must also think about the industry you are getting into. Is it the type of industry you want to learn more about? Does getting into this particular organization/industry offer a path for growth? And even if that isn’t your primary industry of choice, can you learn relevant transferable skills? And what about the people? What can you learn about the people who have held this position before? How would the organization/industry describe a ‘successful’ person? If you were to draw a character sketch of a typical employee, what would it look like? Why do people in the organization usually leave? Who do you report to and do they look like the type who would be concerned about your growth? The pay also requires careful consideration. What is the industry average? If the pay is more than you’d hoped for but the work is not something that excites you. Are you okay with that? If the pay is less, what trade-offs are you willing to make? Then, think about your purpose. What is so meaningful about the work you will be asked to perform? Is it the type of work you want to excel at and what does a typical day at the office look like? It can be difficult to find a way to have answers to these questions on our own. We can ask people who work in the company for their feedback or even ask a couple of these questions during our interviews. We can’t simply have it all so certain trade-offs might be inevitable. We might have to sacrifice our current salary for a chance to work with a boss who has a reputation for being an excellent mentor. The idea is to consider the variables that will directly affect our happiness at work as the weeks or months go by. Making an informed choice helps us stay clear of FOMO and instead live with a sense of Joy of Missing Out (JOMO). The author is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

It’s been an overwhelming week because I took up more commitments than I could handle. And sadly for me, this isn’t the first time it has happened. There have been numerous times in my life when I have simply said yes without thinking, especially in a bid to fit in. The fear of disappointing and upsetting the requester has made me say yes without much deliberation. Most of the time though, this approach has led me down a path filled with regrets. And I’m sure it’s not just me. Many of us must have said yes to uncountable requests we weren’t comfortable with and ended up feeling miserable. There’s a saying “If we don’t prioritize our time, someone else will.” So if people around us are calling the shots for us majority of the time, chances are that we will never be happy with how we spend our days. And if how we spend our days is how we spend our lives, we might be destined to look back at the one life we had with regret. Inspired by the book ‘Essentialism’ by author Greg McKeown, I’ve been taking a long hard look at all the commitments I’ve made and will make in the future. These are a few techniques I’ve learnt from the book as well as from my personal experiences regarding ways to say no. There’s the straight no. You simply say, “No. I’m sorry. I already have a lot on my plate right now. It would be unfair for both of us.” Although this line might sound straightforward and even rude, in most cases, the requester will end up admiring your honesty. Or, if you can’t say no immediately, you could try ‘the pause’. We’ve been operating on autopilot mode ever since our birth and saying yes is one of them. Instead, taking a few seconds to dwell on prior commitments and the toll of the added demand can guide us to an honest answer. With enough practice, you can set the pause as your default response. The calendar check, on the other hand, is when instead of giving a reply right away, we can ask for some more time to check our calendars. If you don’t want to say yes, the best way would be to describe your situation through an email explaining the difficulties surrounding your decision. The usual standard is to do it within a day. However, option one is better if you are just trying to buy time because of the awkwardness of saying no. You can also refer or recommend someone else. Instead of refusing directly, you can suggest someone else to take your place. It’s a win-win situation for everyone involved. ‘I can’t do X but Y is possible’ is also an option. Sometimes you may only be able to say a partial yes. In such cases, it’s okay to offer alternatives and work out a mutually beneficial option for both parties. Then there’s the ‘sure, but’ way of dealing with requests. For those who have difficult bosses or a highly demanding job, there may be too many requests to field from multiple projects. Instead of just saying yes, you can remind our supervisors about how the new demands they have set on you now require a review of priorities and focus. An awareness about my limited time on earth and the consequent regrets of saying yes too often has reminded me of one important equation. It’s something I call the Essentialism 100-10-1: 100 fascinating distractions, 10 worthy pursuits, and 1 true priority. So what will you say no to today? The author is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

There’s no denying that work-life is hard. Having to deal with so many people with varying emotions, interests, and expectations can get tiring. But that’s why emotional intelligence is so important. The ability to manage oneself in the midst of frustrations when dealing with variables outside of one’s control is at the core of what it means to be emotionally intelligent. Take two people, for instance. One is cool, calm, and collected during confrontations at work. She understands that all her co-workers have their own pressures and that they are all trying their best. She is empathetic but not a doormat. She can be assertive when needed, but generally radiates positive vibes that make working with her pleasurable. On the other hand, there’s a person who takes everything personally, gossips all the time and doesn’t think twice before sharing what he really feels. He excuses it as ‘being himself’, not realizing that what seems like authenticity to him is making life hard for his colleagues. What happens when these two individuals feel angry at work? The emotionally intelligent person is likely to notice feelings of anger arising within her. She realizes that anger is an emotion that is just communicating to her that there is an obstacle in the way of getting something she cares about. She uses anger to understand herself and redirect her actions towards her goal rather than reacting angrily. On the other hand, the person lacking emotional intelligence reacts with anger without realizing that the emotion has gotten the better of him. Instead of seeing anger as a signal, he justifies his unhelpful comments and reactions. We all have thoughts, emotions, and stories inside our heads. If we act on them without consideration, we might end up resentful of both others and ourselves. But instead, what if we learnt to see emotions as data and not directives? When we are governed by our emotions, we become emotionally rigid. We are hooked into our mental chatter and fail to see the bigger picture. The opposite of this inability is the ability to create space between stimulus and response. Instead of reacting right away, we can pause and choose an appropriate response. This fundamental skill is called emotional agility. When we are emotionally agile, we learn to align our actions with our values, intentions, and the kind of person we wish to become. What others do and say is out of our control. But how we think and act are well within our reasoning: are we getting closer to the kind of person we aspire to be or veering away from it? Our emotional intelligence is highly malleable. But we must first be honest with ourselves: what are we like during trying times? What are our aspirations: what kind of person do we really wish to become? Once we find answers to these deep but important questions, we can see what is making us emotionally rigid. Stretching the space between stimuli and our responses requires us to practice taking small pauses. A helpful way to take a pause is to ask ourselves three important questions: First, how am I feeling? Second, what are my options? And finally, what do I truly want? If we practice asking these questions to ourselves regularly, we will quickly realize that the choices available to us are shaped by the way we feel at any moment. Let’s say someone gives us feedback we don’t like. The first step is to recognize feelings of frustration in us. Now what choices do we have? Shouting back? Shutting down and becoming passive aggressive? Or is it to acknowledge frustration in us and to communicate in a way where we try to understand another person’s reasons for the feedback but also share why we would have liked the feedback delivered differently? If we are emotionally agile, we understand the value of our frustration in telling us what’s important to us. But if we aren’t skillful, we might act frustrated rather than using our frustration constructively. Becoming aware of our emotions, intentional with our choices and purposeful with our actions takes practice. You can practice each moment, starting right now. How are you feeling? What are your options? What do you truly want? The author is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com