Even as a college student and a working professional, I still have to take permission from my parents to do many things. I’m not saying it’s a burden but why can’t I just inform them and go out and make my decisions. How do I stop seeking approval from family members who never give it?
Answered by Rika Rijal, consultant psychiatrist
Many young adults, especially in South Asian households, find themselves caught in a silent struggle: the need to seek permission from family members, even when they are capable of making their own choices. As a working college student recently shared with me, “Why can’t I just inform my parents and go out, instead of constantly waiting for approval that rarely comes?” This question captures a conflict that countless young people face—the desire for independence, weighed against family expectations and cultural norms of obedience.
Growing up in families where respect is equated with compliance, it becomes natural to wait for someone else’s ‘yes’ before we act. Over time, this conditioning can make us doubt our own ability to make sound decisions. We begin to ask: “Am I allowed?” instead of “Is this right for me?”
But there is a subtle but powerful difference between seeking permission and informing. Seeking permission means handing over control—waiting until someone else validates your choice. Informing means asserting your autonomy while still keeping loved ones in the loop.
Instead of asking, “Can I go out after class?” try saying, “I’ll be going out after class and will be back by eight.” This shift in language is not disrespectful; it’s a gentle way of communicating independence. Also, breaking free from approval-seeking doesn’t mean shutting out family. It means learning to trust yourself.
This is also a reminder for parents. Children who grow into adults need room to make choices. Respecting their autonomy doesn’t mean losing them; it means watching them grow stronger, more confident, and more responsible.
In the end, independence isn’t rebellion—it’s growth. By moving from permission-seeking to self-trust, young people can honor their families while still stepping into their own lives with confidence. The more you try to hold someone, the stronger their desire for freedom grows.
