How do I deal with jealousy in friendships? Can you also help me make sense of what leads to feelings of jealousy among friends?
Answered by Tashi Gurung, counseling psychologist
Jealousy is a feeling few like to admit, yet most have experienced, even within our closest friendships. While it often carries a negative connotation, jealousy is more common and natural than we might think. At its core, jealousy arises from comparison. We notice a friend landing a new job, achieving a degree, or gaining recognition, and it stirs a quiet voice inside: Why not me? This tendency to compare isn’t inherently bad, but it can become emotionally distressing, especially when rooted in self-doubt.
Low self-esteem is one of the key drivers of jealousy. When we’re unsure of our own value, it’s easy to see others’ success as a spotlight on our shortcomings. Questions like what am I lacking or why am I falling behind can quickly spiral into self-criticism.
Competitiveness can make things worse. In environments like school or work, where performance is often stacked against others, it’s easy to view a friend’s progress as a threat rather than a triumph. And beyond achievement, feelings of exclusion can also trigger jealousy. When a close friend grows closer to someone else, we may feel replaced or left behind.
But jealousy doesn’t make us bad friends, it makes us human. The key is to acknowledge it without shame. By understanding where the feeling comes from, we’re less likely to act out of it or let it quietly strain the relationship.
Self-reflection is a good place to start. Ask yourself: What exactly am I jealous of? Why does it affect me? Often, the answers reveal more about our internal struggles than our friends’ actions.
Building self-esteem is also essential. Reminding ourselves of our strengths, values, and progress helps reduce the urge to compare. So does recognizing that everyone’s journey is different. Another person’s success does not diminish our own path.
Practicing gratitude can also shift perspective. When we choose to celebrate our friends’ wins, it fosters connection instead of competition. Reframing jealousy as inspiration—rather than resentment—can be motivating. If your friend achieved something you admire, perhaps it’s a sign to pursue something similar in your own life.
And when jealousy stems from feeling left out, open communication can help. A simple statement like “I’ve been feeling a bit distant lately—can we catch up soon?” can lead to honest conversation and reconnection without blame.
Jealousy in friendships isn’t a sign of failure but how we handle it can shape the health and longevity of the bond. With awareness and compassion, it can be a gateway to growth in ways you never imagined possible.
