You realize you are always the one initiating plans in a friendship. How should you approach this situation—should you confront your friend, step back, or reevaluate the friendship?

Answered by Aditya Dangol, mental health professional

Anna LeMind, a psychology writer and founder of Learning Mind, said, “One-sided friendships inevitably lead to disappointment. But even worse is that they make you feel invisible and not good enough.” The situation you’ve mentioned here is one of the most common and emotionally challenging dynamics that occur in friendships. That nagging feeling of being the only one who initiates plans can slowly build up to the point where you start wondering if your friend even cares or values the relationship at all. The experience can be painful and, in some cases, even humiliating. And the confusion around whether to confront, step back, or re-evaluate the friendship just adds to the emotional load.

I appreciate your effort to figure out how to navigate this situation and make the best decision for yourself. That in itself shows a lot of emotional maturity. Now that we’ve acknowledged how complicated this situation can be, a simple place to start is by asking ourselves a few clarifying questions. Based on your concern, it’s clear that you’ve noticed a pattern in your friend’s lack of initiation. So, here are some questions that might help you get some clarity:

Is this a recent pattern, or has it been happening for a long time? Are there any external factors that could explain this behavior? (Stress, anxiety, financial difficulties, life changes?) Are there other ways this friend might be expressing care or affection, even if not through initiating plans? Most importantly—how is this whole situation making you feel?

Another important question is: Have you communicated how you feel to my friend? If yes, was it done directly—like clearly expressing it in words—or more indirectly, like through jokes, sarcasm, or memes? Usually, in situations like these, it’s suggested to communicate directly, though with a bit of softness or compassion. Even if it feels uncomfortable or unnecessary, expressing how you feel is often the first step toward resolution. I know it can be scary too—thoughts like “what if this is all just in my head?” or “what if I make things worse?” are common. But even if discomfort or conflict arises, honesty is often necessary for growth.

Here’s one way we could bring it up in a neutral, kind, and direct manner: “Hey! I’ve been wanting to talk to you about our friendship. I really value it a lot, but lately I’ve been feeling like I’m always the one making the effort to plan things or reach out. When I don’t see that coming from you, I start feeling like I’m not important or valued. I wanted to check in—how do you feel about this? I would really like to know if something is bothering you as well.”

This kind of statement helps express your emotions while still leaving space for your friend to respond honestly. It’s important to share how you feel rather than pointing fingers. That keeps the conversation grounded and open rather than defensive.

When you put yourself forward to your friend in this manner, observing their response to your questions and statements can be key in deciding whether to step back or even re-evaluate the friendship. Consider it a good sign if your concerns are met with openness—without defensiveness, lashing out, or attempts to gaslight you into thinking your feelings are an overreaction or simply wrong.

It’s possible that your own interpretation of the situation may amplify or influence your concerns. That’s completely human. But the core of what you feel is still valid and deserves attention. What matters most is how your friend responds. Are they willing to listen and understand, or do they deflect, minimize, or try to shut down the conversation? That response—more than the issue itself—often reveals the real health of the relationship.

If the conversation is met with deflection, gaslighting, minimization, or defensiveness, it might be time to step back and re-evaluate if this relationship is truly healthy—or if your efforts are being taken for granted. Ask yourself: Are they willing to be honest about their behavior? Do they take accountability or apologize if needed? Even if their response is accepting and empathetic, what matters next is action. Do they make any real effort to change their behavior moving forward? 

Ultimately, reflect on this: Is this friendship bringing you more comfort, support, and understanding—or more discomfort, pain, betrayal, and disrespect? The answer can guide you in deciding whether to continue investing in the relationship or begin letting go. Friendships, like any relationship, require mutual effort, honesty, and care. If you find yourself constantly chasing connection, it may be time to pause and prioritize your emotional well-being. It’s okay to expect effort in return. And it’s more than okay to walk away from what no longer nurtures you. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do—for yourself and others—is to stop proving your worth and simply protect your peace.