Many people feel obligated to maintain relationships with toxic family members and let’s be honest, we all have them. But how can they set boundaries while dealing with the guilt that often comes with it?

Answered by Aditya Dangol, Mental health professional

Studies show that 70 percent of people experience some form of family dysfunction, yet many struggle to set boundaries due to feelings of guilt.

The challenge of setting boundaries

Navigating unhealthy or toxic family relationships can be complicated. Experiencing manipulation, guilt-tripping, and gaslighting can leave people questioning their emotions and decisions. Daily interactions may feel like a battle—walking on eggshells, anticipating the next conflict, and feeling dismissed, inadequate, or overly criticized. Setting boundaries in such an environment is challenging, especially when they are perceived as disrespectful, selfish, or a rejection of family values. These reactions—whether verbal or non-verbal—can trigger intense guilt.

Cultural and familial expectations

Familial relationships are deeply emotional and interdependent, shaped by expectations of care and reciprocity. In cultures like Nepal’s, where family loyalty, respect for elders, and collective responsibility are deeply ingrained, setting boundaries can feel even more difficult. Guilt in boundary-setting often arises from a fear of hurting or disappointing loved ones and going against ingrained obligations. This guilt exists because we deeply care about our family, value our relationships, and are empathetic. While caring for family is important, it should not come at the cost of personal well-being and self-respect. When guilt prevents boundary-setting, it’s essential to examine its roots—whether cultural, familial, personal, or a combination of all three.

Understanding the root of guilt

Our guilt often stems from how we define values like loyalty, duty, and respect. For example, someone might feel guilty for challenging their parents' outdated beliefs, fearing it will be seen as disrespectful. This guilt is rooted in the belief that a ‘good’ child never opposes family members, as doing so might be considered ungrateful or uncaring. However, critically analyzing whether these inherited values serve us or interfere with our growth can help us navigate our emotions.

Key self-reflection questions

A few important questions to ask yourself are:

• What about setting boundaries makes me feel like I am doing something wrong?
• How have my family or relatives responded to my attempts to set boundaries?
• What thoughts or emotions does their response trigger in me?

Many people have thoughts like, “I feel selfish for putting my needs first” or “If I say no, they might think I don’t love or respect them.” Some even feel as if they are being treated like a child for asserting reasonable boundaries. However, it’s crucial to recognize that prioritizing personal needs is not selfishness, and saying no does not diminish love or respect for family members.

Examples of boundary-setting in action

When parents expect constant availability

A young professional finds it difficult to say no when their parents frequently ask for help at inconvenient times. When they set a boundary by explaining their workload, the parents respond with, “You don’t have time for us anymore.” This triggers guilt, but the individual reminds themselves that having personal time does not mean neglecting family.

Challenging unfair expectations

A daughter is expected to handle all household responsibilities while her brother is not. When she speaks up, she is told, “This is just how things are.” Although she feels guilty for questioning tradition, she realizes that fairness should not be dismissed under the guise of family roles.

Dealing with emotional manipulation

A man refuses to lend money to a relative who repeatedly asks but never repays. When he sets a boundary, the relative accuses him of being selfish. Instead of absorbing the guilt, he acknowledges that saying no does not make him a bad person.

The greatest battle here would be having to constantly remind ourselves of these affirmations of ‘having personal time does not mean neglecting family’, ‘Demanding fairness should not be dismissed in any regard’ and ‘saying no does not make us a bad person’. 

Overcoming projected guilt

In many cases, the guilt felt while setting boundaries is projected onto us by family members. Some may struggle to accept rejection and, in response, express disappointment or blame us, even when we are not at fault. This makes it important to recognize that the guilt we feel may not be our own but rather a reflection of their discomfort. Accepting that we cannot control how others feel about our boundaries—and allowing them to have their reactions—can be liberating. This mindset shift helps us set boundaries with confidence, fostering both emotional growth and healthier relationships.