I’m a 16-year-old high school student, and I feel frustrated at home. My parents constantly compare my grades to my elder brother’s achievements, making me feel inadequate. Despite efforts to explain how their words affect me, my parents argue that they only want the best for me. How can I request my parents to encourage me to succeed without creating feelings of resentment or comparison?

Answered by Dr Rika Rijal, consultant psychiatrist

It sounds like you’re dealing with a really tough situation, and I want to acknowledge how frustrating and disheartening that can be. But at the same time, I really appreciate that you are opening up about your issue.

It’s a difficult situation when parents, knowingly or unknowingly, make comparisons that leave you feeling inadequate. It’s totally understandable that you want support and encouragement, not pressure and competition. First and foremost, you should try talking to your parents about how you feel. Choose the right time and approach. Instead of talking in the heat of frustration, find a calm and relaxed moment to express your feelings. Try using ‘I’ statements to avoid making them defensive. For example, “I feel discouraged when my efforts are compared to my brother’s, and it makes it hard for me to stay motivated.” 

It’s important that you emphasize your unique strengths. Gently remind them that everyone has different skills, interests, and learning styles. Let them know you are trying your best and would feel more encouraged with support from them rather than comparisons.

Also show that you understand their intentions. Parents usually want the best for their children. So, acknowledge that you know they want the best for you. You might say, “I appreciate that you want me to succeed, and I do too. But I think I would do even better if I felt supported in my own journey rather than compared to someone else.”

You can also offer a solution. You can suggest alternatives that would motivate you more. Ask for positive reinforcement, like recognizing improvements or efforts rather than just grades. For example, “It really helps when you notice my hard work, even if my grades aren’t perfect. I want you to accept me for the person that I am.”

If these don’t work for you then learn to set boundaries and stay patient. If comparisons continue, try setting emotional boundaries by reminding yourself that their words don’t define your worth. Change takes time—your parents may need multiple reminders before they adjust their approach. You can take help from a trusted family member or a psychiatrist or therapist if you feel too overwhelmed doing all this and more on your own.