Mind Matters | Communication challenges

Throughout my life, I’ve faced challenges in communicating with others. I’ve often found myself selectively mute, feeling comfortable speaking only to those I’ve developed close bonds with, while remaining silent around others. This silence isn’t by choice, rather, I struggle to initiate conversations and engage in meaningful dialogue. This pattern has been a constant in my life, making it difficult for me to interact with new people, including some family members. Consequently, I’ve encountered difficulties in forming and maintaining relationships with friends, family, and others. How can I address this issue and improve my ability to communicate effectively?

Answered by Kapil Sharma, counseling psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health

You’ve demonstrated great courage in acknowledging and sharing your communication challenges, as dealing with such issues can be incredibly tough. I truly appreciate you opening up to us about your difficulties.

Psychologically, this could be due to a variety of factors, including anxiety or a fear of judgment about potential outcomes, lack of communication skills or past experience of not being heard. These factors can create a sense of apprehension that makes social interactions daunting. Your past experiences might also play a significant role, influencing your preference to wait for others to initiate conversations rather than starting them yourself. These experiences can create a feeling that it’s safer to let others take the lead in interactions.

If neither a fear of judgment nor negative past experiences are contributing factors, it might be due to a lack of social skills. For instance, you might feel uncertain about how to start or when to initiate a conversation. Even in the absence of negative past experiences, this uncertainty can lead to difficulties in navigating present social scenarios.

If you feel like anxiety is one of the root causes of your problems, you should consider practicing mindfulness and relaxation techniques. Practicing breathing exercises and engaging in mindfulness activities before starting a conversation could be inhaling on the count 1-2-3-4 and exhaling on the same count. These exercises can help calm your mind and reduce anxiety, making it easier for you to initiate and engage in conversations with greater ease and confidence. By regularly practicing these techniques, you might find yourself becoming more comfortable and effective in social interactions.

If you frequently feel a fear of judgment from those in your social circle, it would be advantageous to seek out a more supportive relationship. This kind of relationship will not only encourage you but also validate your efforts to communicate more effectively. For instance, by spending time with people who truly understand your challenges and refrain from judging you, can create a more positive and affirming environment.

Sometimes, you might notice a recurring pattern of knowing you should start a conversation but failing to do so. In such cases, it’s helpful to challenge your thoughts and strive to increase your social interactions, which can reduce anxiety and enhance your communication skills. There are various techniques to eliminate cognitive distortions, such as cognitive restructuring, where we identify and address these distortions. Additionally, we can utilize different therapeutic models to tackle negative self-perceptions by employing cognitive restructuring methods.

Journaling can also be beneficial. You should try to be specific about which interactions you found challenging and the difficulties you encountered. Note the judgments that hindered you in various settings of your daily life. Reflect on what is holding you back by keeping a self-reflection journal, focusing on distinguishing facts from fiction.

Skill building, thought restructuring, and self-care are essential. By understanding the psychological reasons behind your issues, we can enhance your communication abilities. Progress will be gradual, steadily increasing your confidence. The good news is that, despite the various underlying causes of your problems, there is a way to address and improve them.