Mind Matters | Lost connection

My parents divorced before I turned ten, and my father was mostly absent from my life. Recently, he tried to reconnect, promising to support my future, but I fear he might abandon me again. This lingering hurt creates a barrier between us, built from years of disappointment. I’m torn between giving him a chance and protecting myself from potential hurt. Should I rebuild our relationship or keep my guard up?

Answered by Kapil Sharma, counseling psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health

Despite the challenging circumstances, you have bravely shared your feelings, and I’m grateful that you have taken this important step towards seeking help. Many people go through similar emotions due to factors like parental absence and emotional distance during their childhood and it’s natural to want to protect yourself.

Psychologically, this fear of abandonment and hesitancy to form attachments is a common struggle, particularly among those whose parents have divorced. Rest assured that you aren’t alone in feeling this way. Many people face these same fears.

Developing self-awareness is a key step in your healing journey. You can begin with self-reflection and introspection, in order to understand your needs, for instance start by journaling about yourself, your expectations from your father, the possibility of reconnecting, and what triggers you emotionally. This will help you gain clarity and understand the root of your fears and desires.

Prioritizing self-care is essential. Engage in activities that nurture your well-being, such as journaling or exercise. When you’re facing challenges, focusing on self-care is a way to support yourself through those tough times.

After delving into self-care, communication emerges as another crucial aspect for you to address. The prospect of reconnecting may evoke confusion and uncertainty due to a fear of being abandoned again. To address these concerns, it’s important to have an open conversation with your father about your expectations, emphasizing the need for consistency. Be honest in all forms of communication with your father to establish realistic expectations.

Naturally, resolving things won’t happen instantly. After sincere communication, gradual reconnection is vital. Take small steps to build your relationship by observing your father’s consistency and efforts. As you start to feel trust, through activities like meetups and phone calls, your bond with him will gradually strengthen.

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by these new experiences, it’s perfectly acceptable to seek therapeutic support. Therapists can provide coping strategies and assist you in making decisions, offering valuable help during this process.

The choice to reconnect or remain guarded is entirely yours, based on what feels right for you. Trust your instincts, focus on awareness, emotional healing, communication, and take things one step at a time.