I’m a 27-year-old woman and I have an issue with self-esteem. I say that because I am always worried about what people will think of me and go to extreme lengths to seem kind and polite in group settings. I hardly ever say no, and I’m always compromising even when I feel really bad about it. People tend to take me for granted and I allow it to happen. How do I change myself and become more confident about who I am? 

Answered by Rishav Koirala, psychiatrist and researcher

As a 27-year-old woman grappling with self-esteem issues, your tendency to excessively concern yourself with others' opinions and consistently prioritize their needs at your own could be indicative of underlying self-esteem challenges. These behaviors, including an inability to say no and a propensity to over compromise, may stem from a fear of rejection or a desire for approval. Recognizing these patterns is an important first step towards personal growth and self-confidence. Exploring potential root causes, such as past experiences or influences, including past relationships that may have impacted your sense of self-worth, can help you gain insight into your behavior. Embracing the concept of abundance, where you believe in your inherent worth and the availability of positive opportunities and relationships, can also be transformative in your journey towards building confidence. It’s important to remember that seeking to change and build confidence is a gradual process, and it can be valuable to seek professional support, such as therapy or counseling.

Individuals with personality disorders, like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD), often grapple with low self-esteem and difficulties in assertiveness. Building self-esteem and learning to say no assertively are critical skills for them. Assertive responses can take various forms, such as direct refusal, empathetic declines, or offering alternatives. It’s vital to respect one's needs and feelings while considering the feelings of others. Seeking professional guidance and practicing assertive communication can help individuals with personality disorders enhance their self-esteem and navigate social interactions more effectively, ultimately fostering healthier relationships.

Consulting a therapist or counselor is a valuable step to consider, as they can provide you with professional guidance, support, and tailored strategies to navigate these challenges and foster a more assertive and self-assured self. It’s important to note that sometimes these symptoms of low self-esteem, excessive worrying about what others think, and people-pleasing may occur alongside other symptoms of anxiety, potentially indicative of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).