I’m a 45-year-old woman who has a teenage daughter. She is 14. I’m finding it difficult to relate to and understand her. I have told her to share her problems with me and she seems to trust me enough to confide her secrets. But I find myself getting angry. I realize that’s not the right response but her ‘boy troubles’ and peer pressure issues make me want to punish her. How do I discipline my child and make sure she doesn’t become rebellious and pick up bad habits?  

Answered by Kapil Sharma, counseling psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health 

Every mother wants nothing but the best for her child. It’s natural to feel frustrated with children for their recklessness at times, but punishing them might not be the most effective approach, as you seem to be aware. Yet the way you are feeling now might be due to anger issues with your daughter’s transition, disciplinary concerns, expectations you have for your daughter or your own personal struggle.

When things don’t go as planned, parents-adolescent conflict is fairly common, creating emotional irritation, rage, and concern. Also, because your daughter is just 14, she is in the process of transitioning from childhood to adolescence. You can start by educating yourself on adolescent issues so that you can help your child deal with them.

You’ve stated that you want your daughter to confide in you, and it’s wonderful that she does. It’s great that you want an open relationship for a safe and secure environment for her. But the main issue is that you lose your temper easily. Rather than interrupting, consider active listening. You can try to wait until she finishes her narrative before speaking. If you feel dissatisfied after hearing what she has to say, try asking open-ended questions to convince her to reflect on her thoughts and actions. She might have her own conclusion or way out about the issue. Also you can reflect on what you would expect from your mother if you were in your daughter’s place. This may change your perspective as well.

Try empathetic communication as that might help you deal with her rebellion. Instead of  restricting your daughter from doing things, try to make her feel at ease by validating her feelings. Also, learn to resolve your own anger issues first. To begin with, reflect on your personal life including your expectations and stress.  Try fixing them  through conflict resolution and problem solving skills. But even after this, if you still feel confused, I recommend you attend a therapy session.