I’m a 40-year-old married woman, and I’m not happy with my marriage. I feel sad, lonely, and frustrated. I often find myself yearning for emotional intimacy and connection with my spouse, but it feels like we’ve grown distant over time. We lack communication and understanding. He is always busy, either on his phone or with other things. These days, we fight over small things. I feel emotionally drained. How can I navigate these emotions and work towards rebuilding the bond with my husband? Are there any specific things that we can do to reconnect and strengthen our relationship?—A struggling wife Answered by Tashi Gurung, counseling psychologist, Happy Minds Communicating with your partner and expressing your feelings is the best way to help you cope with the ups and downs in your relationship. But first, let’s start by addressing what those feelings are. For communication to work well, you need to be clear about what you want to say. This self-awareness might help you communicate effectively. 

Most of the time, when there is disagreement, anger dominates our feelings and behaviors. Instead of keeping our cool and speaking in a non-confrontational manner, we end up using assertive communication techniques. This might make the process of communicating worse for the both of you. 

When that happens, your partner might feel like you are blaming him for everything and might not be open to communicating. Arguments will escalate, and the relationship between you two might worsen. But there are ways in which you can maintain being non-confrontational while also confronting your feelings. You can use phrases like ‘I feel unheard most of the time’ instead of ‘You never listen to me’ because using ‘I’ in phrases prevents accusatory communication. This method will encourage you to communicate your feelings rather than complain about your relationship.  Find an appropriate time to communicate. Remember to create a secure environment where you and your partner can talk about your feelings. It should feel like a safe space for both of you. Make sure that both of you have a positive state of mind and are looking forward to having a conversation. This way, both of you will be ready to keep an open mind while listening to each other. Also, it’s important to pay close attention to what your partner is trying to say. Make eye contact so that your spouse feels that his emotions are being validated. This way, he might reciprocate in the same manner.  Plan distraction-free time without any devices. You should try setting up a regular date night so you can spend time together and engage in real conversations. Plan engaging activities that encourage deep conversations where you can express your views, dreams, expectations, and worries. You can start with simple activities like going for a walk, cozy dates, cooking together, or organizing a trip.  From minor disputes to underlying issues like loneliness, resentment, insecurity, and childhood trauma, there can be many reasons behind you and your partner’s lack of intimacy. So to understand the underlying emotions and needs better, I advise you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. They can offer advice, assist in improving communication, and suggest other methods to strengthen your relationship.