I’m a 22-year-old who was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) when I was 17. Right now, everything in life is pretty good. My relationships are going well and even work is satisfying. But there is this void in me that makes me sad all the time. I know the reason too. It’s because I’m bad with self-love. I want to change that, and do what it takes to be happy again. Please help me!—AN Answered by Rishav Koirala, psychiatrist and researcher  It’s good that you know what the problem is. You are already halfway there to solving it. You might think this feeling will never go away, but trust me when I say everything will be okay. I too have felt like that at one point in life, and things got better with time. 

What you are feeling is the result of your BPD, that you say you were diagnosed with five years ago. Having this personality disorder makes it difficult to accept yourself the way you are. There are other things like abandonment issues that fuel that feeling. But the thing about personality disorder is it can be managed unlike other illnesses. It doesn’t mean you need to change your personality entirely.  Instead control the feelings that make you uneasy. And the first step of doing so is to realize you need help—the step you just took. 

Then, it’s time to analyze your emotions. You say everything is going great but you still feel empty. So ask yourself, what makes you feel that way? Is there something or someone that triggers this feeling? Is your surroundings good for your mental health? Figuring this out will help you know what to do next.  Sharing helps. Don’t hesitate to share how you feel with someone close to you. If it’s not easy for you to open up at once, do it gradually. See how they react when you share something small. If you like the way they respond, you will automatically be comfortable enough to call them up when you need to. But in case you don’t, find someone else who will understand your situation. But don’t let a few people demotivate you from being vocal about your emotions. Not everyone will say what you want to hear. But that doesn’t mean there won’t be anyone with whom you can share how you feel. It can be your partner, your friend, or a psychological professional.  In BPD, it’s natural to seek constant affirmation. Hearing people say things like “Good job!”, “You are doing great!”, and “We are proud of you!” can act as positive reinforcements for your feelings. It can also be things like “I will always be here for you”, “I will not leave you,” or simply “I love you”, to help you with your abandonment issues, since it fuels the feeling of self-loathing.  Don’t get me wrong, you will not depend on these affirmations all your life. What I’m trying to say is these positive words from your close and loved ones can help you see yourself in a different light. It will help you to love yourself the way you are. If you have people who bring you down constantly, it’s best to avoid them.  Also, another trait of those with BPD is to push people away. It’s a response to the abandonment issue. With fear of being abandoned, people with BPD tend to avoid getting close to anyone, or push them away if they see a chance that s/he might leave. It’s their way of shielding themselves from the pain of being left alone. You need to avoid doing this. It will only make you feel more lonely.  Finally, mindfulness meditation is the key to keeping yourself calm. You can find 30 minute-long videos for mindfulness meditation on YouTube. I recommend videos by Michael Sealey. I would also suggest you work with a psychologist who will guide you through mindfulness meditation and therapy.