How is a man loving a man or a woman loving a woman different to a man loving a woman? It’s still the same butterflies in the tummy, the same need for companionship, and the same desire to have a family of one’s own. But our black and white notion of what’s ‘natural’ and the homophobia that mindset leads to have made it difficult for the LGBTIQA+ community to live like the rest of us. There is no social and legal recognition of queer relationships and that makes love a tough terrain to navigate.
“The LGBTIQA+ community is treated differently and that leads to many problems. Not allowing us to marry who we want leads to emotional trauma,” says Pinky Gurung, president of the Blue Diamond Society. Moreover, this violation of their basic human rights robs them of a dignified life. Gurung says she has seen many cases of fraud and even abuse because there are no laws governing gay, lesbian or transgender relationships. A year ago, Sunita Lama, LGBTIQA+ rights activist, was cheated out of her life savings. Her partner of 14 years emptied Lama’s bank accounts and took off. Lama filed a complaint but the authorities said there was nothing they could do as her partner had no legal obligation towards her.
“This kind of thing can happen to anyone but it happens all too often in the LGBTIQA+ community as without legal recognition of relationships, it’s easy to take in new or multiple partners. There’s no sanctity of relationships,” says Lama. What her partner did has left Lama bereft and unable to trust anyone. She has had a few romantic interests but each time she has taken a step back, told herself not to give into her emotions. She feels she’s setting herself up for hurt and disappointment by being romantically involved. “Unless our rights are secured and marriage in our community is protected by law, we will continue to suffer,” she says.
To love and be loved is a basic human need. It’s all the more important for people of the LGBTIQA+ community in Nepal as many of them are shunned by their own families. Their parents, siblings, relatives, and friends want nothing to do with them and so they crave acceptance. This reality, Gurung says, makes them vulnerable to exploitation. Someone only has to show them a little love and they are willing to do anything that person says to make sure s/he sticks around. But due to lack of societal acceptance and legal binding, these relationships soon fizzle out. Even those in serious relationships are sometimes unable to deal with family pressures and leave their partners.
“Many LGBTIQA+ youths have been forced to marry people their parents choose for them,” says Gurung. This ruins two lives. Often, it leads to domestic violence and even marital rape. Gurung says such members of the community suffer from depression and other mental conditions. There have been several cases of attempted suicide. “Our society doesn’t care about our happiness as it doesn’t value us. But we have the right to live life on our own terms. They shouldn’t get to decide what is right or wrong for us,” she says.
The constitution grants equal rights to marginalized communities and states that LGBTIQA+ people fall in that category. Their rights are guaranteed in Articles 12, 18, and 42 but the constitution doesn’t explicitly mention same-sex marriage. Marriage equality (a political status in which same-sex marriage and opposite-sex marriage are recognized as equal by the law), however, is an essential part of the constitution’s anti-discrimination provision. Yet biases run deep in the system and despite many attempts to legalize same-sex marriage, there has not been much progress.
The state’s reluctance to make laws for marriage equality and implement them creates uncertainty. That, in turn, breeds fear, not allowing the LGBTIQA+ community to live and love freely. Rubina Tamang, a trans-woman who has been in a relationship for four years, says she and her partner hesitate to plan for the future as they know they have no rights as a couple.
Tamang’s parents, time and again, try to ‘talk sense into her’. They want her to leave her partner and return home. Many things hinge on whether or not they will be able to marry and be granted the same rights as other married couples. Legalization of same-sex marriage or marriage within the queer community would address other issues like access to IVF for lesbian couples and the possibility of adoption. “It would give us some sense of stability and safety. We would be able to be a family,” says Tamang.
Neelam Poudel, make-up artist, model, and transgender rights activist, says relationships can be fickle for members of the LGBTIQA+ community and it’s best to be cautious when deciding its course. Poudel has been in tumultuous relationships in the past. The joys of acceptance, she says, were always limited to the confines of their private space. As a trans-woman, none of the men she has dated have had the courage to openly accept their relationship. “A man might claim to love you but he won’t hold your hand in public,” she says. “It’s disheartening and humiliating.”
But before blaming the government for failing its citizens, Poudel says the community should evaluate itself as well. She says there is a somewhat warped notion of love among the LGBTIQA+ people. Most of them are quick to fall in love because they are desperate for some semblance of normalcy. Many give expensive gifts to their partners with the hope that it will make them stay. Poudel says there are many people who want to ‘try out new things’ and experiment and for that get into relationships with transgenders. They quickly get bored and move on, oblivious to the fact that they have emotionally scarred another person.
“LGBTIQA+ relationships are fragile and people of the community are often mistreated as there are no rules to protect our rights,” says Bhumika Shrestha, vice-president of the Federation of Sexual and Gender Minorities, Nepal. Policy makers are concerned about LGBTIQA+ marriages contributing to a sharp decrease in population and ending lineages. There’s also the fact that society still doesn’t accept them despite quite a few years of pretending to do so. That, Shrestha says, is why their issues are always sidelined—nobody really cares. “We are humans and must be treated like everyone else. Only societal acceptance will allow us to live and love freely,” she says.
