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Emotional Intelligence means being smarter with feelings. This means being able to acknowledge, identify, label and understand emotions in self and others. It means understanding that our emotions affect the way we see ourselves, others and the world and therefore taking this into consideration to understand and regulate our behaviors. 

Practicing emotional intelligence doesn’t have to be complicated. Here are 10 simple ways of showing up with emotional intelligence on a daily basis:

1. Notice how you are feeling and label it. Is it anger or annoyance? Are you feeling serene or is it ecstasy? When we label our emotions, they have less power over us. Naming an emotion means using the cognitive part of our brain, which helps us shift from reacting blindly to thinking things through. Think of it in terms of a map. To successfully navigate your journey, you will need to know where you are and where you’d like to go.
2. Separate the stimulus from the cause. Someone didn’t show up on time? Sure, that is the stimulus. But what really made you feel annoyed? Perhaps you wanted assurance that your time would be respected? Once you are aware of the needs behind the feelings, you can strategize better to attain positive outcomes.

3. Stop classifying emotions as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Emotions aren’t good or bad. They are data about our needs. When you feel something unpleasant, ask yourself: What am I feeling? What message is this emotion giving me about myself?

4. Ask for feedback from a trusted person: what is something about me that is obvious to others but I can’t see clearly? This feedback loop will help you reduce your blind spots. 

5. Do a Rose/Thorn/Bud reflection everyday. Identify what was pleasant (Rose), what was unpleasant (Thorn) and what you are looking forward to (Bud). If you do this quick exercise everyday, you’ll start to see a pattern emerge. Recognizing this pattern can help you become self-aware.

6. Learn to see with your eyes. What this means is that when something bothers us, our brains tend to come up with a narrative. When this happens, it will be hard to see clearly. Ask yourself: what really happened? For example, your brain might say ‘he ignored me’. Seeing with your eyes is acknowledging that the other person did not wave back at you. Did the person really ignore you or was something else going on for them? Test your assumptions.

7. Ask yourself often: Does this need to be said? Do I need to say this? Do I need to say it now? Taking a pause allows us the space to respond rather than react in the heat of the moment. Time away offers perspective.

8. Connection before correction. Unless the other person feels heard, it will be difficult for them to hear our point of view. Instead of playing the ‘Who is Right’ Game, listening to underlying feelings and needs can help us resolve differences peacefully.
 

9. Emotions tend to shorten our attention-span . As a result, we might end up acting in ways that take us further away from our desired outcomes. A good question to ask ourselves often is: what do I really want? Once we are clear about our needs, we can then come up with different strategies to meet those needs.

10. Define your values and keep revisiting them everyday. Whenever you act in alignment with your values, congratulate yourself. On days when you fail to do so, remind yourself that there is another opportunity to show up in a way that is aligned with the kind of person you wish to be. Rather than being blown by winds of circumstances, becoming aware of our values can help us lead our life with integrity and purpose.

Emotional Intelligence is an on-going practice. If we can incorporate one or more of these actions on a daily basis, we can have better relationships at home and at work. 

The author is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

Operating with Emotional Intelligence (EI) means being smarter with feelings. This means being able to acknowledge, identify, label and understand emotions in self and others. It means understanding that our emotions affect the way we see ourselves, others and the world and therefore taking this into consideration to regulate our behaviors. 

Without emotional intelligence, we are quick to make assumptions. Conversely, if we are emotionally intelligent, we understand that most misunderstandings and miscommunication comes down to assumptions we make and therefore ask: khas ma k bhaeko ho (‘what really happened’)? As the saying goes, we don’t respond to what happens. We respond to our perception of what happens. 

When we lack EI, we take things personally and therefore, are quick to either blame or self-blame. Having EI means understanding that underneath judgments and blame we have about ourselves, about others or judgments others have about us, are difficult feelings and unmet needs. Identifying, labeling and understanding these feelings and needs are crucial to solving problems.

A lack of EI means reluctance to communicate what’s truly important. We give in to a deep fear about the judgments others will have if we communicate what it is that we need. Fear of rejection means it feels safer to not communicate rather than risking asking for something and not getting it. With EI, we understand that anything we say or do comes down to needs that are important to us in that moment (and this can't be automatically understood by others). Therefore we make the effort to transform vague expectations like ‘I wish they supported me’ to a specific request that would meet the need like ‘Can you write this section of this report for me by Sunday?’ to forming a clear agreement ‘Okay, so we have agreed that you’ll write half of the section by Tuesday’.

A few examples of these principles played out in everyday interactions:
Without EI: My teammates are so irritating! (Notice the lack of accountability for one’s feelings.)

With EI: When the meeting starts 10 minutes later than scheduled and that too without prior agenda being communicated, I feel irritated because I would have liked: a) to make the best use of my time b) focus on the other project where my inputs have a direct impact on the outcome. I’d like to request my manager if we can start communicating agendas prior to the meeting. (notice how we take full accountability for our feelings and needs and look for an action that would help.)

Without EI: I had to come to this party because of them! (Notice the lack of accountability for the choice we’ve made.)

With EI: Although initially I was reluctant to come to the party because I wanted time for myself, I still chose to come because coming here would be a way for me to show my support to the newly wed. I’d like to leave earlier than my friends because I still want some time for myself after this. (Notice how we take accountability for our choice.)

Listening with and without Emotional Intelligence:

When the other person says: “You’ve changed so much! You don’t like hanging out with us these days!”

Without EI: This person is insulting me in front of everyone! Of course I wouldn’t hang out with such insensitive people. No wonder I’ve outgrown them!

With EI: I’m upset that this person would question my intention. I’d appreciate if he was curious about me first. But it also seems like he wants to connect and socialize with me but as I haven’t hung out with this group for over six months, he seems annoyed at my lack of participation.

When the other person says: “You’re an amazing team player!”

Without EI: I’m not good at accepting compliments. I’ll just laugh it off by saying it is not a big deal.

With EI: I feel so joyful to know that I’ve been able to contribute as a team member. Can you tell me what exactly I said/did that helped you? Knowing this would help me better understand what it is that I could continue doing.

To catch yourself operating without emotional intelligence, use the following lens:

We are quick to diagnose (blame, judge, criticize).

We deny responsibility for their choice (I had to do it).

We speak in terms of who deserves what rather than trying to truly connect with others (they will know how I felt when they go through something similar!)

We make constant demands of others (by inducing fear, shame or guilt).

The author is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

Operating with Emotional Intelligence means being smarter with our feelings. This entails tuning into our feelings, mindful of our deeper needs, objectives, and challenges at play. It includes acknowledging these aspects to direct our behavior to promote sustainable relationships. 

In our daily life, we come across challenges that are difficult to talk about. ‘Difficult conversation’ typically involves three aspects. 

The first is the situation where stakes are high, and it’s difficult to let go of the issue because it matters to us. The second is where opinions vary. The other person may disagree with us, which could lead to a conflict. In such a situation, remaining silent feels tempting, even though the issue continues to nag at us internally.

The third aspect of difficult conversation is when our emotions run strong and we have an emotional response that manifests in our behavior, and we don’t even have to verbalize our feelings.

Four positions of ‘difficult conversation’

Just like a map helps us identify where we are to navigate our journey, understanding these four positions could help us through a difficult conversation.

Position 1

Position 1 is helpful when we feel like we are feeling stuck in judgmental thoughts. In this state, we are focused on criticizing (‘They make my life difficult!’), judging (‘They are so inconsiderate!’), and demanding (‘If they don’t do as I say!’). We might fluctuate between blaming and shaming either the other person or ourselves.

In this position, it is not just another person’s needs and challenges we are disconnected from, but also our own. Our focus on blaming and shaming (either ourselves or the other person) keeps us from connecting to our deeper feelings and unmet needs. It is difficult to direct our behavior in a way that helps us meet our needs. 

So it is important to shift from ‘difficult conversation’ to ‘learning conversation’. From ‘They just don’t understand’ to ‘This is important for both of us’; from ‘Their emotions aren’t justified’ to ‘Their emotions come from their unmet needs’; from ‘Our strategies are incompatible’ to ‘Our deeper needs are universal’; and so on. 

Position 2

Position 2 is about taking the time to transform judgmental thoughts into concrete actions that affect us, our feelings, and the needs behind those feelings. It is also about transforming our thoughts into actions that we’d like from the other person to better meet our needs. This is a step up from Position 1, where we also think about the way interaction feels, whether it is undermining our own identity and how it might be affecting our reactions.

Position 3

Position 3 is about extending empathy to the other person’s needs, objectives and challenges. We don’t have to agree with their ways; but here, we try to understand: what needs are driving their behavior? What are their feelings? What identity of theirs is perhaps threatened that they find this conversation difficult? What requests could they be making of us?

Position 4

Position 4 is about zooming out from the conversation and seeing it as a neutral observer. Who are the people involved? What do they feel and need? What would help them resolve this together? How do their sense of identity impact the interaction? 

Taking this position can help us attain a bird’s-eye-view of the scenario, as there is a certain sense of detachment that comes from being a neutral observer without any preferences or biases. This position can be hardest to take, but it helps see things more clearly. 

‘Difficult conversations’ are inevitable, but we cannot grow if we avoid them. So it’s important to check whether we are stuck in judgments or transforming a difficult interaction into a ‘learning conversation.’ The difference almost always comes down to our mindset—whether we are trying to blame and shame, or looking to connect at the level of feelings and needs. 

To reach an agreement, understanding is the key. And there’s no understanding if we cannot transform a ‘difficult conversation’ into a ‘learning conversation.’ 

The author is a co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

Have there been moments in your life when you had certain thoughts and feelings but kept those to yourself? This could be a question you wanted to ask, a concern you wanted to voice out, an idea you wanted to share or a mistake you wanted to admit. You aren’t alone. As human beings, we have different thoughts and feelings but we don’t necessarily voice them. Why? The answer is simple: we fear being judged, humiliated or punished. This reluctance to speak or question can be referred to as ‘psychological danger’.

Impact of psychologically unsafe environments

When operating from a perceived sense of psychological danger, we keep things to ourselves. While it may seem like a safe option in the short run, we risk growing resentful towards those we don’t open up to. We may also risk compounding the adverse impact of our mistakes. Our ideas don’t find room to nurture and grow and curiosity slowly dies due to the questions that remain unasked.

Psychological safety

The antidote is Psychological safety: a climate for ‘interpersonal risk-taking’ like:

1. Asking questions

2. Raising concerns

3. Sharing ideas

4. Admitting mistakes

In psychologically safe environments, people don’t hesitate to say things like:

‘I don’t know.’

‘I made a mistake.’

‘I disagree.’

‘I have a concern.’

‘I have an idea.’

In psychologically safe teams, members don’t hesitate to speak up because they have a firm belief that what they say or do won’t be held against them. An example could be a family where its head openly shares their struggles, younger ones are encouraged to chip in with their ideas, where there is a healthy discussion of disagreements, and a genuine openness to listen and understand each other better. All these behaviors are easier to exhibit because family members feel ‘safe’ around each other, not just physically but also psychologically.

What are the benefits of psychological safety?

When people feel a sense of safety in groups, they are more likely to speak up. This means more inclusion. There’s minimization of errors as root causes of existing problems are openly discussed (as opposed to low accountability due to fear of punishment). There are also better chances of innovation as sharing ideas is actively encouraged.

Is psychological safety the same as trust?

Although they seem similar, psychological safety and trust are two different ideas. Let’s take an example. We might be going on a trek. On the inside, I’m struggling. I don’t think I can make it to the summit. I trust that my team will help me and not leave me behind. However, I might not feel safe to open up about my struggles because I fear they might make a joke out of my inability to walk as easily as them. Also, trust is more concerned with how one individual thinks about another—whether or not one person can rely on another. Psychological safety is more of a group dynamic—whether all members in a team feel safe or not sharing their concerns, questions, ideas or mistakes.

Ensuring psychological safety

To ensure psychological safety, we have to start from the root level, i.e. in making team members feel they belong. Only when they feel they belong, are they likely to then engage in other ways like asking questions and contributing their ideas. As defined by Timothy R. Clark, there are four stages of psychological safety:

Inclusion safety: This is stage one safety where members feel they belong in the team.

Learner safety: This is stage two where members feel safe to ask questions.

Contributor safety: This is stage three where members feel safe to share their ideas and opinions.

Challenger safety: This is stage four where members feel safe to challenge existing rules and norms.

Reflection questions:

1. What are some behaviors of others that make you feel psychologically unsafe around them?

2. What are some ways you try to ensure you’re contributing to psychological safety in your family/work team?

The author is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com

For the longest time in my life, I thought people who talked about feelings were ‘sentimental’ folks. Perhaps that is why I didn’t care to check-in with my own feelings. The closest I came to answering the question ‘How are you feeling?’ would be three words used as a standard reply in three distinct situations: ‘Babbal’ (when things were to my liking), ‘Khattam’ (when things weren’t to my liking), and ‘Sabai thikai cha’ (when I wasn’t in the mood to reflect).

Just like the younger version of me, I have come across many who find it hard to answer that question with any insight. From my own experience, I can tell you why it is a problem. Lack of self-awareness can cause pain for ourselves and others. Previously, whenever I used to feel disappointed (I didn’t know how to label it ‘disappointment’ at the time), I used to react in a way that was perceived as anger by the other person. The other person’s standard response would be to say ‘Narisau na’ or ‘Khali risau cha’.

This response, of course, wasn’t attuned to my emotional experience. I was feeling disappointed and this person asked me not to get angry. This would then lead me to feel frustrated, as I wasn’t understood. As you can imagine, this cycle wasn’t helpful at all—filled as it was with miscommunication and misunderstanding. What was the root cause of it? Well, I hadn’t learnt to reflect on my feelings. As for the other person, they didn’t guess any other feelings in me other than anger.

Emotional literacy—the ability to identify, understand and express emotions positively—is one of the foundational skills of Emotional Intelligence. Unless we know how we are feeling, we aren’t in a position to understand what our needs are (emotions are data that signal whether our needs are met or unmet) and make this information understandable to others. What then happens is largely based on assumptions about others and ourselves, leading to misunderstanding, miscommunication and conflict.

Also read: ‘Being emotional’ vs ‘discussing emotions’

Although I wasn’t very emotionally literate back then, I have realized that the skills of emotional literacy can be learnt. Instead of categorizing our emotional states as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, what might happen if individuals learnt to tune in to feelings, gave those names and then leaned toward those emotions to help them in their goals? A good place to start is to identify basic emotions in oneself.

There are eight basic emotions based on Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions: anger (Ris), Anticipation (Apekchya), Disgust (Ghrina), Fear (Dar), Joy (Ananda), Surprise (Acchamma), Sadness (Dukha) and Trust (Biswas). What’s helpful to unlearn is the notion that these emotions are either ‘good’ or ‘bad’. The problem with labeling emotions as bad is that we will then push away feelings like anger and sadness without trying to learn from them. Emotional literacy is about acknowledging, identifying, labeling and understanding our emotional states so that we can make better decisions. This understanding can also be extended to developing empathy. Being able to see emotions as simply data about human needs, values and expectations can help us be more open to the emotional experiences of others.

Rather than getting stuck with judging emotional experiences as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, we could all become more self-aware and empathetic if we learnt to recognize and understand these emotions. It begins with acknowledging we all experience different pleasant and unpleasant feelings. Each day, take a moment to reflect on your day by identifying the above-mentioned eight basic emotions.

All these feelings are valuable as they help direct our attention to what’s important to us. Using the same framework, you can guess and ask others about their emotional states. Instead of assuming if someone is angry, you might want to check in with them and see if they are indeed angry or perhaps slightly disgusted or just fearful or even sad. A healthy relationship is one in which individuals are granted permission to feel a broad range of pleasant and unpleasant feelings—not just the ones deemed ‘good’. 

The author is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com