Parents try to do what’s best for their children. And every parent has a different parenting style. There is no right and wrong. But so many times we teach children things so that they are socially accepted and considered ‘nice’ people. We don’t teach them enough about standing up for themselves and being true to who they are, even at the risk of offending others. 

I was always taught to be nice, to put others before me. Over time, I realized it made me subservient and people were always getting away with whatever they wanted to do. I said yes when I wanted to say no. I went along with plans I hadn’t been told about till the last minute. I found myself constantly putting my needs and wants aside in order to make others happy. 

I also did it because my father wouldn’t have it otherwise. I don’t remember a time when I had a problem with someone and he took my side. He’d always say that maybe I hadn’t been nice enough or had done something to upset the other person. He wasn’t a bad father. He was only trying to teach me to be a good person. But in doing that, he made me unsure of myself and I felt like I didn’t have a support system, that my father never had my back. It was an extremely lonely feeling, especially when I saw other children’s parents defending them even when they were clearly in the wrong. 

Now that I’m a mother, there are a few basic things I want my son to know so that he doesn’t feel the way I did while growing up, so that he knows his parents have his back at all times, irrespective of what he does or doesn’t do. 

My love is unconditional 

My dad was strict, often withholding love as a form of punishment when I was ‘bad’ or didn’t listen to him. I’m not saying it was wrong. I know he was only doing what he thought was best for me and my growth. But your childhood is only as good as how you perceive it to be, and I believe I lived in constant fear of my father. It makes me weary of his love now because love, when I needed it the most, came in bite-sized pieces, to be doled out only when it was ‘deserved’. 

I want my son to know that my love for him isn’t dependent on his behavior. He could be throwing tantrums and I’d love him all the same, because he is my son and it’s my responsibility as a parent to be there for him in both his good and bad moments. He might be ‘disciplined’ in various ways but I will not be so upset and angry for him to question my love and his worth. I know how it feels when a parent makes you believe you have to earn his love. In little ways, over time, it shatters your heart so much that you become skeptical of any kind of love and question its motive. And I will not let that happen to my son. He needs to be able to feel and give love freely and happily, without judgement and fear. 

It’s okay to fail

As a society we put so much pressure on success, and it starts from school. You are constantly compared to your peers and told to be as good as or better than them. I have always found this so unnecessary and hurtful. Shouldn’t everyone be their own competition and just strive to do good instead of shouldering the burden of always trying to be like someone else or outdo them?  Being overly competitive makes us unable to enjoy the little things in life and perhaps a little jealous of our friends and those who we think are better than us. 

I want my son to know that it’s okay to fail and that he will not be good at everything and that’s perfectly normal. He needs to be able to celebrate a friend’s win without feeling like a failure. Not everything is meant for everybody and there will be things he will be good at and some that he won’t be able to make any sense of. Failing at something isn’t a measure of your worth and knowing that makes you confident and willing to try anything. I want my son to know that it’s far more important to give things he is interested in a chance rather than pull out because he thinks he might not be good at it. Sometimes, you suck, other times, you soar. 

Niceness is overrated

I won’t say it was a bad lesson but I was always told to be nice to people, even when they weren’t necessarily deserving of it. Though it’s not wrong to be nice, I have realized that it often puts you at a disadvantage, with people taking you for granted. They write you off as someone whose opinion doesn’t need to be considered because you will go along with whatever they decide. Over time, it also makes you unable to voice your desires. 

Niceness isn’t to be confused with kindness. The former stems out of a need to fit in. It’s an accepted form of social behavior, one that probably wins you brownie points in your circle. Kindness, on the other hand, is a result of empathy and compassion. Kindness doesn’t have to be forced whereas niceness is almost always an act. 

I would like my son to be a kind person, and not necessarily a nice person. I want him to know that he doesn’t need to do things he doesn’t want to, and that he can say no when he’s had enough. He doesn’t need to worry about hurting someone’s feelings at the risk of hurting his own. Sometimes, it’s okay to be a little blunt especially when people are insistent and trying to get him to agree with them even when he doesn’t. I want my son to know that being nice is a choice, not a compulsion, and that there are far better measures of character than being called a ‘nice person’.