“If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”—this is one of my mother’s favorite quotes and she tries really hard to live by it. I, on the other hand, always thought being nice was overrated, that it put you at a disadvantage by making you vulnerable to people’s various antics. 

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Nigerian writer famous for her novel ‘Purple Hibiscus’, in a talk says being nice means always wanting to be liked. It means silencing inconvenient truths, choosing always to be comfortable, and letting go of courage. It means talking about peace but not about justice. The more I think about it, the more it rings true. Nice people don’t like to rock the boat. They don’t speak up because they don’t want to be seen as ‘difficult’ or go against other’s opinions. Nice people live in cocoons they have created for themselves. 

I sometimes think my mother suffers because of her ‘niceness’. She doesn’t like conflicts and getting into arguments so she will often stay quiet when she doesn’t agree with people. But she will be haunted by what so and so said during dinner or what her sister did during a trip for many days after the incident. She often gets taken for granted by relatives and friends because she is ‘a nice person’ who will do as they want without considering her own needs. 

Having grown up sensing and seeing a pattern where my parent’s niceness empowered those around them in all the wrong ways, I have been petrified of being nice and coming across as someone who will go with the flow without letting my needs and preferences come in people’s way. I always speak my mind and tailor my responses according to what’s coming my way. I’m definitely not the one to ‘let things go’ when people inevitably say weird or hurtful things. I would rather have said things out loud than kept them in. It’s been my guiding mantra in life. 

But recently, I’ve started thinking that I must not confuse being nice with being kind and that these two things are entirely different things and mutually exclusive too. You don’t have to be nice but you must always be kind. By that I mean your intentions should be in the right place. Must I hurt someone to get my point across even when the other person isn’t being reasonable or particularly ‘nice’? Can’t I say the same thing in a softer tone rather than using harsh words? And can’t I always choose to look at the positive side of things instead of pointing out the negatives in any given situation? 

Everyone learns from experience and I had to go through an anxious phase to introspect and come to the conclusion that it’s always best to say something positive and be kind rather freely speak your mind just because you can or because you want to give an aura of someone who is strong, bold, and courageous. 

I have a relative (she’s the wife of a cousin I’m super close to) who never has anything nice or positive to say. Even when I am feeling good and confident about things, the things she says (masked as concern) will sow doubt in my mind. In all the years I’ve known her, I’ve never heard her say anything remotely nice to people. She doesn’t compliment anyone. She doesn’t reassure those who are worried. She is quick to point out what’s wrong and why and how things could get worse during any kind of family discussion. And her words are often final. Any reasoning is met with further explanations on why it is wrong. 

I would always give her the benefit of doubt whenever other relatives complained about her. I thought it was my moral duty towards my cousin whom I’ve grown up with. You don’t speak ill about the wife when you are close to her husband and you value the relationship. But in the past few months I have come to understand what people mean and why many have chosen to stay away from her. 

I have been going through a health issue and despite recovering really well, I’ve been anxious about blood tests and ultrasounds. I’m generally not someone who worries a lot and my intuition is quite strong. But by constantly telling me what could go wrong and sharing horror stories she’s heard, she made my recovery journey an ordeal. Despite feeling well and knowing in my heart that everything is fine, I have put off simple tests and woken up at night drenched in sweat because of nightmares where everything bad she’s warned me about had come true. 

At one point, she had me convinced that I had diabetes or would develop complications from the same because ‘a friend of hers whose case was similar to mine had had diabetes too’. Even when I told her that there weren’t any symptoms of it, she maintained that it was only a matter of time. I had laughed it off initially and even wondered how someone could be so negative but I didn’t realize the impact her words would have on me on a subconscious level till I put off a crucial test for almost a month. When the results of the test came back normal, I berated myself for having stressed about it for so long. 

This was when I realized the impact your words have on others, which is why you should choose them with care. Why would you want to be the reason for someone’s anguish? Niceness and kindness are two entirely different things and while it’s okay to not be a nice person, it’s important to be a kind person because it’s more about who you are than what others think of you.