Have you ever wondered how children would develop if all their physical needs like food, clothing, and shelter were fully met but not an ounce of emotional component were offered. Imagine a child growing up with no love, no cuddling, no emotional response, no affectionate touch, and no playful interaction. By the time this child turns 10, what kind of world would exist inside her/him?

And I’m not writing this article based on mere psychological prediction and imagination. It happened in real life, ‘The case of Genie’ was a girl in California who was locked in a room alone for nearly 13 years, with almost no human interaction. She was fed and physically kept alive but was never spoken to, played with, or emotionally nurtured. What happened to her was she never learned the language and learning at the age of 13 is almost impossible as the right time for our cognition to catch and learn the neural path of language has gone a long time ago. She didn’t know how to form a relationship with other people along with herself. She was physically underdeveloped despite adequate nutrition. She was suffering from extreme social anxiety along with an inability to understand normal human behavior. As she moved forward in life, she struggled to meet the demands of adulthood, and the problem affected nearly every aspect of her life. Many studies with similar experiences have shown that individuals in such situations face a significantly higher risk of premature death. These cases often become hopeless and helpless, as both medical and psychological interventions typically have limited effectiveness in such situations.

It’s clear that simply providing the basic necessities for survival is not enough for children to develop into a healthy adult. Children absorb essential life skills and values from their parents, who teach the very ‘language of life’ through their actions, words and ways the parents relate with them. Now, let's explore what children acquire, how they absorb it, and from whom. Specifically, let's examine what a child derives from their mother and what they expect from their father in order to nurture their optimal developmental needs.

Mother

There are two literal meanings of the word ‘mother’. The first refers to the biological female parent who gives birth, while the second refers to the person who nurtures. While in the womb, a child is not a separate entity but rather a part of their mother’s body. Although it takes nine months for the child to physically differentiate from the mother, it takes much longer for the child to truly realize that they are distinct from her. For around 20 days, the child recognizes the mother by her scent. It’s only after this period that they could identify her through physical sensation.  There exists very strong bonding between mother and children as we all can observe at the time of discomfort, the mother’s hug and warmth can be incredibly soothing to the child.

A mother, with an instinctive grace, senses the unspoken tides of her child’s emotions and discomfort, offering solace even when words are yet to take form. This allows the child to believe they are in safe hands, in a world where they can trust that their needs will be met with care. This responsiveness not only builds trust with the mother but also shapes the child’s perception of the world, extending that trust to aspects of other environmental entities. So the language of love, attachment, emotional security and concept of compassion is derived from a mother’s attitude toward her children. This emotional warmth, attunement and unconditional acceptance and love is internalized by the child, which further helps to develop the right brain of the children. And one of the major functions of the right brain is to process emotion and regulate emotional experiences particularly in recognizing, experiencing and expressing emotions, along with nonverbal communication and understanding the ‘how’ of emotional messages. This will teach children to process, experience, manage, and regulate both the wanted and unwanted experiences in life.

Now, let’s explore what happens when a mother’s love is imperfect or fails to reach its fullest warmth. If a child fails to internalize the love and warmth of mother, a fracture emerges, making both the giving and receiving of love a delicate struggle. It’ll be difficult for them to experience, communicate and express the emotion that they encounter in life. The rupture of this bond hinders their ability to forge deep, meaningful connections—both with themselves and with others which may further lead to social and emotional isolation. And if a child couldn’t internalize the love and emotional warmth, they may come to believe that love is something they are unworthy of. This deepens the cycle of self-criticism, reinforcing their doubts and insecurities. Even when they connect with emotionally healthy individuals capable of offering warmth and attachment, they struggle to fully trust, accept and reciprocate the same in return. An unconscious inner dialogue may arise: ‘How can other people offer the same warmth that my own mother was incapable of ?’

Father

Though a child can sense and recognize the mother, the father remains a stranger. It is the mother who introduces the father to them. Just like mother, the word father also has two distinct meanings. First in the male parents and second is linked to protection, guidance, and boundary-setting. The major role of mother is to foster the inner world i.e., love and emotional development whereas the role of father is to foster the outer world i.e., facing the world, people and navigating various challenges that life offers. Children are very tiny, immensely inadequate to face the world independently, it’s the father who not just teaches them to navigate but also supports them in the process. Whenever he faces a challenge too vast for his small hands to grasp, he seeks the comfort of his parents (especially father), finding in their presence the reassurance that he is not alone in his struggle. This embrace of support becomes his shield, offering both protection and a profound sense of security. This support empowers them to develop their own way of dealing with life’s challenges as they step into adulthood.

Now, let’s explore what happens when a father’s love is imperfect or fails to reach its fullest comfort. Let’s understand this from one example. A boy of 11 has started to become a victim of bullying in his school from his classmates. Although he somehow communicated this abuse with his parents, his father, not realizing the extent of what was happening, advised him to be more social and to avoid initiating conflicts with his classmates. He emphasised the importance of adapting to the situation, he framed teasing as a common and harmless aspect of friendship. However, this dismissal of his feelings left the child feeling unheard, gradually convincing him that he was overreacting and that his distress was unwarranted. In any way he wasn’t seeking the advice rather he declined the support or the protection we needed. Now do you think he would be able to defend and deal with the bullies the other day in school? Of course he can’t, because he doesn’t have enough support needed to deal with those situations. There’s only one viable option left—to tolerate all the mistreatment from his classmates. Nothing more than that. Fathering serves as a profound support system, much like the wings of a bird—providing stability while navigating the vast expanse of life. It becomes the unshakable backbone, a force that grounds yet propels forward, ensuring balance, strength, and the confidence to soar and deal with challenges that life presents. On the contrary, imagine if the father had truly acknowledged his concerns, responding with the same depth of understanding as the child experienced them. What if that protection would have been provided to him? The child would have learned to defend himself. He would not have internalized the bullying but instead recognized it as mistreatment, allowing him to reject such behavior in the future allowing him to navigate similar situations with resilience and assertiveness.

The fractured support from father may hamper development of a strong sense of security. One may find themselves ill-equipped to navigate life's uncertainties leading to experience anxiety. If severely deprived, one may develop a deep sense of helplessness and hopelessness, perceiving life’s challenges not as obstacles to overcome but as burdens to be endured. Rather than actively engaging with difficulties, adapting and finding solutions, they may come to believe that their only option is to tolerate suffering in silence—trapped in a passive existence where resilience feels unattainable and change seems impossible. This may further manifest in their inability to stand up for themselves and have deep fear of confrontation.