Parenting: Good parenting creates great humans

One of the most common yet complicated and sophisticated phenomena is parenting. While children may be born biologically healthy, the absence of a nurturing environment significantly impacts their development into healthy individuals. Child development expert Dr Gabor Maté points out that humans are essentially "prematurely born" compared to other species, emphasizing the prolonged developmental period of the human brain after birth.

Due to this extended developmental period, many dimensions of our nature, characteristics and personality are shaped by our primary socialization, that is our family and how we interact with them. Parenting is vast as an ocean; there are still many aspects yet to be discovered and analyzed, but we’ll be discussing only one aspect of it.

Suppose a parent goes to collect the academic report card of a son/daughter, who studies in grade 6 and is around 11 years old. The mark-sheet shows that the child has failed in three subjects. What kind of parent-child conversation will ensue on their way home and later? Part of the most common comment from a parent after seeing the mark-sheet may be like, “We’ve sacrificed so much for you, fulfilling your wishes while setting aside our own…” Though well-meaning, this sentiment can sometimes feel more like a guilt trip, leaving the child burdened with a sense of shame. A similar guilt trip and sense of disgrace grips children when parents encounter unwanted response/behavior from their wards. But have we ever thought as to why our children are responding and behaving in such a manner? Have we ever contemplated why our children are refusing to bother much with academics? Let’s consider a scenario to better grasp the reason.

Imagine someone gifted you a sapling of marigold flower—one that thrives in sunlight and fresh air—hoping it would make a perfect addition to your bedroom, placed elegantly in a beautiful pot beside your bed. And that gift, from someone truly special on a significant occasion, isn’t just an ordinary flower—it carries a deep emotional attachment. You diligently water it every day and provide the necessary nutrients it needs. After two weeks, you notice that the plant looks malnourished. Its leaves and flowers are slowly decaying and drying up. What really comes to your mind? Do you scold the plant, saying, 'I’ve watered you every day, given you all the nutrients you need—why aren’t you blooming? It’s your responsibility to blossom. You need to make me proud and justify my effort and emotional attachment.' 

Do you do this? Of course not because you’re not an idiot. Rather, you curiously search what went wrong and where. Upon googling, you’ll probably find out that the flower needs proper air and sunlight to blossom, and definitely create an environment where the plant can grow and blossom.

In the same way, do we ask similar questions while interacting with our children? Do we try to identify the elements in our parenting and how family relationship dynamics is impacting our children and is generating unwanted behavior in them? Or do we make them feel guilty by questioning their loyalty to our efforts and hardships? Does it serve our purpose? It does not. 

 

Now, let’s discuss how these kinds of behavior impact and hinder the development of children. We are demanding certain things from children, which they cannot give. It’s not that they don’t try, the reality is they can’t, they are not able to, they don’t know how to. This results in conflict within themselves, between what they are and they are not. A child often perceives and understands that their parents are struggling because of them. They see how much their parents have done for them and question whether they can ever pay for the sacrifices made. If children experience this sentiment repeatedly, they may begin to believe that their existence is the root of their parents' difficulties. This can lead to the conviction that if they had never been born, their parents’ lives would have been easier and more peaceful. This would make children feel responsible for their parents’ hardship and their struggle. They may even start to feel obligated to repay their parents' sacrifices—as if repaying a loan—rather than reciprocating love —a duty rather than a responsibility born out of love. When children internalize the idea that their existence has cost their parents so much, they may struggle with self-worth, feeling that they are a burden rather than a source of joy. This mindset may shape the child to avoid asking or demanding—not out of understanding their parents' limitations,  but because, as they were unable to alleviate their struggles, the least they feel they can do is avoid adding to their burden. This could further weaken the sense of dependency that is essential for children’s emotional and social development.

 

During adulthood, they may find difficulty in forming healthy relationships as they may constantly seek validation or fear being a liability to others. Interpersonal communication eventually translates into intrapersonal communication. They may eventually shape their self-image through the lens of their parents' perceptions. No matter how much one is able to achieve, they are programmed to connect with their inadequacy and their internalized shame. Their achievements often get overshadowed by what is missing in their life or what they have yet to accomplish. Because the concept of ‘I am not enough’ is so deeply ingrained in them that no amount of achievement during adulthood can cover the deep neglect endured during childhood. 

 

Now, let’s try to understand from the lens of parents the reasons behind this pattern of behavior. South Asian parents strive to offer more than what they themselves possess, weaving dreams from the threads of their sacrifices, which is perfectly alright. I am not questioning the parents’ intention behind it, rather I am condemning its results. Because actions and behavior driven by such intent come to interplay and influence the dynamics of our relationships. A common example of this unfolds when choosing a school for our children. We strive to enroll them in the best schools we can afford, pouring our resources into giving them the best opportunities. We endure countless hardships to provide as much as possible, yet often overlook the frustration that accompanies these struggles. Through such acts, aren’t we saying to our children, albeit unconsciously, ‘'Look, I’ve endured so much to give you the best. Now it’s your turn to justify my sacrifices by meeting my expectations, especially in academics and behavior”.

Aren’t we trying to compensate for our hardships through our children?

And children are not ready and able to pick this burden of expectation; they shouldn’t be. Research on parenting emphasizes that shielding them from these expectations allows them to explore and learn the many dimensions of life with joy and curiosity. More than that, as they lack the feeling of disgrace and burden, they will be able to depend emotionally on their parents.

Parents do not have to meet every demand or fulfill every whim of their children. While providing everything a child wants seems to be an act of love, it does the opposite of helping a child develop emotionally. Life will bring situations where a desire is expressed but not met, and that is one very important reason why parents need to prepare them for such instances.

But when parents opt to be present with their children during disappointment or frustration, rather than quickly solving the problem or giving them what they want, they provide something so much more valuable. They open the doors for teaching children to recognize, understand and manage their emotions, such as through feeling validation, naming the emotion and then guiding them toward constructive ways to cope.

This not only helps children learn to manage their emotions but also fosters an environment of trust and security. They come to understand that not every need or desire will be met, what’s more, they also learn to deal with the situation.

Lastly, this article is not intended to create guilt, rather its sole purpose is to raise awareness about how we are handling our children. If we strive for perfect parenting, then the need to be perfect will dawn on our children automatically.