Mind Matters | Feeling burdened

I get extremely negative vibes when I talk to this one person who shares everything with me. After listening to her, I can’t ignore this creepy feeling I get. I frequently get affected by what she has said. How can I help myself to stop feeling this way? Should I ignore it or how can I change myself to look at things in a positive way?

Answered by Tashi Phunjo Gurung, consultant psychiatrist

It’s not unnatural for us to feel drained and fatigued after someone has unloaded their burden on us. After all, we are human beings, and it’s hard not to get unaffected when we listen to someone’s struggles and hear them out.

I am curious to know: who is this person you are talking about? Are they a romantic partner? A friend or family member? Or a work colleague/acquaintance?

If they are someone who is not within your intimate circle, maintaining distance (both emotional and physical) can be the way to go. In no way are we obligated to be there for the person every time. It’s okay to hold our space.

However, if this person is someone who’s in the intimate circle, it would be very important to communicate your emotions regarding their sharing. Gently communicating with them about how the sharing affects you can lead to a more balanced dynamic, where both your needs are considered.

As a counselor, one of the things we learn early in our career is that we can only be there for our clients through their struggles but not rescue them. Perhaps this perspective can also be helpful to you. What you are doing for the person is more than enough. Not many people have the bandwidth to be there for the other person emotionally. I would suggest appreciating yourself for your efforts, but also at the same time keeping in mind that you are not responsible for them.

Providing emotional support is enough. It clearly shows that the other person trusts you, and thus is able to confide in you. What you are doing is truly commendable.

Lastly, self-care is absolutely essential. Engaging in uplifting and relaxing activities is helpful. Do you like walking? Deep breathing? Spending time in nature? There are various things to take care of our emotional needs, you can choose one that you resonate with the most.

It’s crucial to remember that while offering support to others is commendable, your own well-being should never be compromised. By setting healthy boundaries, practicing self-care, and communicating openly, you can maintain a balance between being there for others and preserving your own emotional health. It’s okay to take a step back when needed, and prioritize yourself. After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup.