The three modes of applying an impact-focused mindset

Udita (name changed), who often works from home, had an important work presentation on the first day of the week. She was both nervous and anticipative about the meeting. She had 25 minutes before logging in to the video conferencing app when her mother showed up in her room and asked her to join her for lunch. Udita told her mom she would eat later since it was almost time for her meeting. Her mom got upset no sooner and said, “It seems like all the other people at my home have important work to do; only I am the free and useless one here.” Those words got to Udita’s nerves, and she frowned, “Not again!” before turning to her presentation. Her mom stormed off.

In situations like these, acting from a self-focused mindset can be easy, which drives us to see other people as objects. Perhaps, Udita’s mom must have other commitments to look into after finishing lunch, so when Udita didn’t agree to join her, she started seeing Udita as an obstacle in her way of getting things done. As for Udita, she had an important presentation, so when her mom didn’t take her request positively, she possibly started perceiving her mom as an irrelevancy to ignore.

Udita had a few minutes before the presentation, but her mind constantly flashed back to her interaction with her mom. She, in fact, quickly realized that she was slipping into a self-focused mindset toward her mom. She knew she couldn’t continue if she wanted her presentation to go well and not worsen the relationship with her mother.

Udita soon recalled what she had learned about the three modes of applying the impact-focused mindset, instead-Self-Connection, Honest Self-Expression, and Empathic Connection.

Self-Connection

Self-Connection is about connecting with our feelings and needs rather than getting stuck in a cycle of blaming and justifications. Through this mode of Impact-focused mindset, we hold space to acknowledge what’s going on for us.

We can ask the following questions to connect with ourselves:

-What really happened?
Udita separated her judgments from what happened in the situation factually. She redirected her thoughts to what she heard and saw in the interaction with her mom. She recalled that her mom told her, “It seems like all other people at my home have important work to do, only I am the free and useless one here,” to which she responded, “Not again!”

-How do I feel?

Udita checked in with herself and realized she felt annoyed and discouraged upon hearing her mom’s words.

-What do I need?

With a self-focused mindset, it might have been easy for Udita to believe that her mother caused her feelings of annoyance and discouragement. The truth is that her mother’s words and actions only triggered those feelings in Udita. Her feelings emerged from her unmet needs for support and understanding, which she sought in the relationship with her mother.

-Do I have a specific request for myself or someone else?

Udita then realized she perhaps needed to focus on doing the presentation well for now. After the presentation, she decided to have a conversation with her mother. 

Empathic Listening

After Udita got off her meeting, she approached her mom and invited her to share how she felt. Although it did seem that the earlier incident still gripped her mom, she shared how she was disappointed and overwhelmed by her family members’ overlapping schedules. She expressed how she felt disconnected and all over the place. Udita could sense and understand that perhaps her mom had unmet needs for connection, certainty, and order. Instead of just assuming her mom’s needs, Udita asked if she had identified her needs correctly. Her mom confirmed and felt slightly relieved upon being understood.

Honest Self-Expression

After listening to her mom, Udita told her mother how she felt and what she needed (which she identified through Self-connection). She explained why she couldn't promptly act on her mom’s request. She had an important work presentation, and there was no way she could miss it. She requested her mom to have lunch without her on similar days ahead, which would help Udita meet her needs for support and understanding. She also promised to reheat and serve lunch for herself on such days without requiring her mom’s assistance in the kitchen. Udita also addressed her mom’s needs for connection, certainty, and order and assured her that she would inform her about her everyday schedule when she worked from home, so they could try to have lunch together whenever possible.

Based on Marshall B Rosenberg’s Compassionate Communication Model, Self-Connection, Empathic Listening, and Honest Self-Expression are three modes through which we can apply an impact-focused mindset. None of these modes or processes are a precedent to each other. In any given situation, not necessarily difficult ones, we can resort to either or all of these three modes to understand ourselves and others better beyond the playfield of who’s right and who’s wrong. An impact-focused mindset is about overcoming the rigidness of being the correct/better one, being curious about each other’s feelings and needs, and building concrete strategies together to meet those needs on any given day.

The author is the Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com