Mindset: The driver of our behavior

An essential realization I’ve had with time is that although we would ideally opt to live drama-free lives, we somehow contribute to the same problems that create drama instead.  For instance, we tell our family members to remain calm and deal with things patiently whenever they go wrong, but it doesn’t even take us a minute to lash out at the very same people we advise about staying mindful. Many might think that the problem here is behavior. If we changed our behavioral approach, things would automatically improve. Well, maybe. Are we missing out on the bigger picture here, though? As far as I’ve learned and experienced, it’s not behavioral change that can help us improve things but something more significant. It’s what we call ‘mindset.’ Let me illustrate this with an example. Until a couple of years ago, when I had to travel in an overcrowded public bus, I dreaded the process. Even before getting into the vehicle, I thought about how it would ruin my day. I thought, “I never signed up for this,” “I don’t have to go through this again!” When these thoughts accompanied me on my commute, I would naturally get triggered because of the inconveniences I had to go through. “Idiot, idiot, idiot!” that is what my inner voice would ask me to tell the driver who sped through the road to overtake another bus, to the co-driver who called out to people to get down at their bus stops in a shrill and loud voice, and to the passengers who pushed past me.

I used to get so triggered that even if I could help some co-passengers, I didn’t do so on purpose. Some people would sometimes enter with heavy backpacks, and although I would be seated occasionally, I would not take those from them. I used to start acting out of vengeance, “If they don’t take my bag when I hardly manage to stand properly, why should I do them a favor?” It wasn’t all too bad all the time.

I used to catch myself when I had such toxic thoughts. I reminded myself that all the other passengers faced as much inconvenience as I did. Even the driver and the co-driver must deal with so many people throughout the day, so was there any point in perpetuating bitterness and seeing people around me as my enemies? Hence, I left seats for fellow passengers whenever I could endure standing. I would offer to hold a struggling passenger’s bag while I got a seat. But, despite these, it was just so easy to slip and go down that negative spiral the very next day. Mindset drives behavior Now, if we look at the above example, although I tried to change my behavior, I could not bring sustained changes in my thought process and approach toward people. It happens because of a simple yet complex reason. It’s our mindset that drives behavior and not the other way around. So, no matter how often I tried to remain positive, I would always hate the commute because I never entirely developed the mindset to persevere. And, when I talk about mindset, we must acknowledge Martin Buber’s philosophical wisdom on the ways of being. Buber demonstrated that at all times, no matter what we’re doing or communicating, we are always in the world in an ‘I-It’ way or ‘I-Thou’ way. Based on Buber’s philosophy, we can consider that there are two mindsets: self-focused and impact-focused. The two mindsets With a self-focused mindset, we perpetuate the ‘I-It’ way of being. We see other people not as people but as objects. Unlike the self-focused mindset, when we operate with an impact-focused mindset, we’re in the ‘I-Thou’ way of being. With an impact-focused mindset, we see people like ourselves with needs, objectives, and challenges like ours. Catching yourself in the self-focused mindset Learning about this concept opened me to seeing other people as people on the commute. Honestly, so many instances still disgusted me when things didn’t go a certain way and when I saw public transportation mismanaged. However, this concept has helped me catch myself quickly when I become self-focused. It helps when I ask myself, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how self-focused I am right now?’ The higher the score, the more effort I put in to consider the ‘needs, objectives, and challenges’ of the individuals I don’t see as people during that time. There have still been times when I have been unmistakably self-focused—at home, at work, with friends and loved ones. Despite the challenges to remain impact-focused, what helps stick to it is a simple self-reminder: “How can I not contribute to making things worse?” Implications of an impact-focused Mindset I know what you must be thinking, does an impact-focused mindset mean stepping down and letting the other person have things their way? It certainly isn’t, but think about this: when two people are self-focused, they see each other as objects. Neither of them would listen to each other’s perspectives. Neither would be alive to the other person’s needs, objectives, and challenges. What would such patterns lead to? Perhaps it will sabotage the relationship for good. It’s essential that even if other people are self-focused, we take a step forward to understand what’s really troubling them instead of taking things personally. Of course, it’s easy to tell ourselves so. But if we think about it—most of the things people tell us aren’t because certain things are wrong with us. Inward expressions come from unmet needs, unfulfilled objectives, and unyielding challenges. If we can open our eyes to spotting these in the other person, we will be less concerned about proving ourselves right and more about having peace in relationships. As Byron Katie – an American speaker and author who teaches a method of self-inquiry known as ‘The Work of Byron Katie’ or simply as ‘The Work,’ says, “Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them.” The author is the Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com