I’m a 22-year-old student and I don’t like saying no to people. Sometimes people ask me for help when I’m in no position to help them out or when I simply don’t want to do what they ask of me. All I want to do at times like that is say no. But I feel like I’m being selfish and end up saying yes. Going beyond my means to do something I can’t or don’t want to do is stressful. I still feel guilty when I think of the times I’ve said no in the past. What should I do?—SP Answered by Kapil Sharma, counseling psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health There are a lot of underlying reasons for not being able to say no. It might be different for every individual. For many, deciding whether to say yes or no is an everyday battle. Some people think they need to please everyone they encounter or fear coming across as rude. But sometimes tasks/favors you’re asked to do might be impossible for you. In that case, there is nothing you can do but say no. The bottom line is that everyone has the right to say no to anything they can’t or don’t want to do. We often forget that.

You’re having some issues being assertive while communicating. On top of that, you overthink what others might think when you say no. Even if you do say no, the overthinking doesn’t stop and you end up feeling guilty. When guilt becomes the major outcome, we call that going into a guilt cycle. But you can’t be there for everyone all the time, can you? That’s going to be exhausting. Sometimes, saying no is a form of self care rather than a selfish act. I know it’s easier said than done. But there are ways you can manage the feeling of guilt or the dilemma you go through when saying yes or no.

Next time someone asks you for a favor, stop thinking about the ‘what ifs’ and just think about what you are able to do or say at that moment. Will you be able to help them out? Do you already have a lot on your plate? Or do you simply want to take some time for yourself and are unable to do what they ask for? Once you know your answer, the next step is to figure out a way to let them know your situation. But that doesn’t mean you have to get into the details of why you are saying no.  To help yourself be more assertive while communicating, you can follow what we call a ‘sandwich model’. It’s a method of expressing negative feedback in a positive manner. Start by acknowledging their request and then show your disagreement with a decent reason. You don’t have to go into details on why you can’t help them out but you can give them the gist of it. For example, you can say, ‘I would love to help you out, but I’m in the middle of a task’, or that you have a lot going on right now and are in need of some alone time. There are people who will ask you for help/favors all the time. It’s best to avoid them and their requests. You have to do it for your mental health. Learning to say no is a gradual process. It will take some time for you to be comfortable with it. But having someone around you who isn’t willing to understand why you’re saying no and comes up with his/her own issues all the time might drag you back into the cycle of guilt. We don’t want that to happen. If helping yourself with these methods becomes challenging, then you might want to consider consulting a mental health professional.