I’m a 19-year-old student and my parents weren’t affectionate or caring when I was growing up. I tried a lot as a child to get appreciation from my parents but failed to do so every single time. I never knew they were being unfair to me. But now when I hear about others’ childhoods, I have come to realize that I was quite unfortunate. It pains me to think about that, and it has been affecting my mental health and emotional stability. What should I do? -RK Answered by Kapil Sharma, counseling psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health It’s understandable that you are going through emotional turmoil, as you have mentioned that your parents were emotionally unavailable when you were a child. What I can understand from what you’ve shared is that you have struggled with validating your emotions as a child. You also seem to be well aware that it was unfair to you. That realization is a good thing as it helps you understand that none of that was your fault. Understanding what’s happening is the first step you need to take before finding a solution. 

Our personalities are heavily influenced by our past experiences. Since your emotional needs weren’t met as a child, that experience is pushing you towards being emotionally vulnerable as you grow up. However, this is the right time to start a constructive healing process. Sometimes we tend to grasp onto things that are beyond your control. In your case, it’s your past experiences. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s time to let go of the past. 

Talking to your parents is the best course of action because it will benefit both of you. It will help both of you understand each others’ perspectives. Find a time where all three of you are in a calm headspace to have a conversation. If you are scared of doing it alone, you can always have a friend sit next to you for emotional support. But if talking to your parents directly is too stressful for you, there are certain things you can do on your own.  Start with journaling. Take a pen and paper and jot down the things you are struggling with, at what intensity it affects you, and if there is anything you can do to feel better. This process might be overwhelming but accepting your pain is better than suppressing it. It’s the beginning of every healing process.  Secondly, be responsible for your own happiness. You can start by engaging yourself in activities you love the most. Pick up a hobby. I’m not asking you to be hostile towards someone who is affectionate or loving. It’s necessary to have people who love and care for you around. But don’t let your happiness depend on them completely. You need to be able to be there for yourself the way you expect others to be there for you. You also need to understand what triggers your emotional instability. Sometimes, our subconscious mind connects even the smallest objects around us with our past trauma. It can be a person, or something as random as a mug. In that case, take three deep breaths, and start listing the positive aspects of those triggering factors. It will be a little difficult at first, but you will get there as you practice.  But most importantly, as I mentioned earlier too, it’s time to let go of your past. And the best way to do that is by practicing mindfulness. It’s a kind of meditation you do to create a peaceful headspace. You will find a lot of mindfulness meditation online. This can help you be mindful of the present and look forward to the future with an optimistic mindset. If doing all of this on your own turns out to be too difficult, you can always ask your loved ones for assistance, or visit a professional who will guide you through the process.