I’m a 32-year-old woman and I’ve been happily married for six years. Like every other marriage, there are good and bad times. I tend to confide in my mother, especially when my husband and I have disagreements. But my mother always ends up taunting me saying this is what happens in a love marriage. She blames me for not listening to her and marrying a person of my choice. It’s exhausting. How do I deal with this?—A woman in difficulties Answered by Kapil Sharma, counseling psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health

It’s good you acknowledge and understand that disagreements are a part of every marriage, and not something specific to you and your husband. But it appears that you are seeking validation. And when you don’t receive that assurance from your mother, you end up getting hurt. Since one of your main support systems is failing to meet your needs, it’s putting you in a discomfiting position. 

You also mentioned that your mother continues to blame you for marrying the person you chose.  This is again something that’s seen in a lot of traditional families and you mustn’t blame yourself for it. From what you’ve said, your marriage doesn’t seem to be an issue. What seems to be troubling you is the fact that you don’t have anyone to listen to you.  But I might be wrong. So, I would ask you to analyze what’s bothering you first. Is it the conflict with your spouse or the absence of a person who will listen to you and validate your emotions? If you are struggling with conflict with your spouse, it’s time to sit down together and talk about the disagreements. Just don’t jump right into it after the argument. First give yourself and your husband some space to cool down, get in the right headspace, and then talk to each other. Know that he loves you and he will understand your concerns. But also keep an open mind and listen to what he has to say.  If your mother’s reaction is what’s bothering you, I want you to try the sandwich model of sharing. Share the good aspects of your relationship first, and then move on to your problems. Sometimes we only tend to share the bad aspects of our relationship with others. It gives the listener a false idea that you might not be happy, or make some other assumptions that might not be true. Sharing both the good and the bad aspects will help them get a clearer perspective of things and not jump to conclusions.  If you are unable to express your emotions during conflicts, or find a safe space to share, and have to suppress your emotions, it might lead to irrational outbursts, anger issues, a sense of inferiority or exhaustion. If you don’t have anybody else to talk to besides your mother, you might need to find a trustworthy friend or a relative who will listen to you, acknowledge your feelings, and validate your emotions without any biases. Finding a safe place where you can talk and seek advice could be a good alternative.