I’m a 19-year-old guy with a sibling who is nine years younger than me. If I’m to be very honest, I cannot get along with him at all. I love him but every time we are together all we do is fight. My parents are always scolding me for everything, even when it’s my brother’s fault. I feel unloved. It’s proving to be quite difficult for me to adjust with my family. Sometimes, I just want to run away. But more than that I’m scared of resenting my brother. I don’t want to but the more time I spend with him, the more I start hating him. How do I deal with this feeling? Please help!—An angry brother Kapil Sharma, Counseling Psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health

Fights, misunderstandings and blame games are common in siblings. It’s even more normal when there’s a big age-gap between the two. As a 19-year-old, you are psychologically in that stage of life when there is a lot of confusion and conflict. You are creating your own identity and developing your sense of self as well as exploring your role in your relationship with your loved ones. Whereas your brother is in the stage where he is fighting inferiority, that is he learns the sense of competency by doing tasks and feeling inferior if he fails. It’s important to understand that you both have different psychological needs and acknowledging this is the first thing you can do to develop a better bond.

Next, try and understand what causes fights between you two. Is it related to a specific thing or is it regular, daily life concerns? When you figure when and where you fight, then you can work on the why aspect of it, which is the most important. It could be because you feel ignored or your brother doesn’t act according to your expectations. Once you understand the reason behind your problems, you can work on fixing it. It’s important that you two don’t blame or try to mold each other but give each other some space instead. Then it’s also important to communicate with your parents. They will stop scolding you once they see where you are coming from and how hard you are trying to work things out. In our society, it’s common for elder siblings to get blamed for the mistakes of the younger ones. That doesn’t make it okay but knowing you aren’t in this alone, or being singled out can help you manage your emotions. Perhaps, you can ask your parents what they would do had they been in your shoes? Tell them how you are feeling and ask them to understand you. A person is never the problem. It’s his/her behavior, related to a specific thing, that’s the issue. Try to detach yourself from the problem and deal with it. It will help you understand others as well as yourself. Ask before you assume, connect before communicating, respond, don’t react, listen, don’t interrupt and try to help, not blame. If you struggle with processing your emotions, you can also visit a psychologist or psychosocial counselors who can help you manage it better.