Mastering the art of saying no

It’s been an overwhelming week because I took up more commitments than I could handle. And sadly for me, this isn’t the first time it has happened. There have been numerous times in my life when I have simply said yes without thinking, especially in a bid to fit in. The fear of disappointing and upsetting the requester has made me say yes without much deliberation. Most of the time though, this approach has led me down a path filled with regrets. And I’m sure it’s not just me. Many of us must have said yes to uncountable requests we weren’t comfortable with and ended up feeling miserable. There’s a saying “If we don’t prioritize our time, someone else will.” So if people around us are calling the shots for us majority of the time, chances are that we will never be happy with how we spend our days. And if how we spend our days is how we spend our lives, we might be destined to look back at the one life we had with regret. Inspired by the book ‘Essentialism’ by author Greg McKeown, I’ve been taking a long hard look at all the commitments I’ve made and will make in the future. These are a few techniques I’ve learnt from the book as well as from my personal experiences regarding ways to say no.

There’s the straight no. You simply say, “No. I’m sorry. I already have a lot on my plate right now. It would be unfair for both of us.” Although this line might sound straightforward and even rude, in most cases, the requester will end up admiring your honesty.

Or, if you can’t say no immediately, you could try ‘the pause’. We’ve been operating on autopilot mode ever since our birth and saying yes is one of them. Instead, taking a few seconds to dwell on prior commitments and the toll of the added demand can guide us to an honest answer. With enough practice, you can set the pause as your default response. The calendar check, on the other hand, is when instead of giving a reply right away, we can ask for some more time to check our calendars. If you don’t want to say yes, the best way would be to describe your situation through an email explaining the difficulties surrounding your decision. The usual standard is to do it within a day. However, option one is better if you are just trying to buy time because of the awkwardness of saying no. You can also refer or recommend someone else. Instead of refusing directly, you can suggest someone else to take your place. It’s a win-win situation for everyone involved. ‘I can’t do X but Y is possible’ is also an option. Sometimes you may only be able to say a partial yes. In such cases, it’s okay to offer alternatives and work out a mutually beneficial option for both parties. Then there’s the ‘sure, but’ way of dealing with requests. For those who have difficult bosses or a highly demanding job, there may be too many requests to field from multiple projects. Instead of just saying yes, you can remind our supervisors about how the new demands they have set on you now require a review of priorities and focus. An awareness about my limited time on earth and the consequent regrets of saying yes too often has reminded me of one important equation. It’s something I call the Essentialism 100-10-1: 100 fascinating distractions, 10 worthy pursuits, and 1 true priority. So what will you say no to today? The author is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. You can learn more at myemotionsmatter.com