“I’m aware of my emotions, but how do I manage them?” Individuals I meet in the ‘My Emotions Matter’ workshops often ask this question. While awareness is the first step to emotional management, sometimes it can be tricky and might require more effort. There’s no set prescription for how one manages emotions and keeps one’s reactions in check, but a few strategies can help us. Let’s explore some of those.
Take time out to connect with yourself: We often brush aside our feelings. We find it easier to distract ourselves with chores, work, or browsing our phones endlessly for a dopamine surge. These might seem to be sweet escapes, but they can cost us dear by enabling unhealthy emotional coping mechanisms. Keeping a log of pleasant and unpleasant emotions we experience on a daily basis, journaling, talking to someone close who can help us reflect on what we’re feeling are some helpful ways to connect with yourself and your deeper feelings.
Find out what helps when you’re emotionally charged: We all go through moments we feel emotionally charged and take action, which we regret in hindsight. It almost always helps to pause before we ‘respond’ rather than ‘react’ to a situation. This pause can help us buy time before we think of the best possible thing to do in that situation. Different people have different ways of dealing with their emotions. For instance, meditating, listening to calming music or a podcast, writing, reading, watching Netflix, moving away from what triggered you in the first place. What works for you?
Understand that emotions arise from expectations and values: More often than not, we say things like, “You make me frustrated!” “You make me happy.” In either case, it’s certain that other people’s actions affect us. What’s vital to understand here is that our emotions arise from our expectations of ourselves or others and what we value in any situation. So, instead of blaming ourselves or others when things don’t go as planned, perhaps we can try fine tuning our actions based on our expectations or values.
For instance, a friend’s late arrival makes me angry. I should understand that it’s because I value punctuality and expect people to show up on time. Once I know this, I can take actions to fulfill my expectations and values. I might as well even send calendar invitations to my friend from the next time or call them a few hours in advance to ensure they arrive on time. Emotions can be valuable information about values/expectations and can help us take meaningful actions to meet those.
Practice consequential thinking: Sometimes we fail to manage our emotions as we don’t think about the best and the worst case outcomes prior to making a choice or taking an action. In other words, we lack consequential thinking. Let’s say you prepared and delivered an office presentation on a project you led. At the end of it, a team member asked you many questions, which you struggled to answer. If you’re not aware of the previous aspect that we discussed (that our feelings arise from our expectations), you will blame your colleague for being ‘interfering’ or ‘know-it-all’ (perhaps in your mind, if not out loud).
But if you’re aware that you feel annoyed because you were expecting to be better prepared or for your colleagues to go easy on you, consequential thinking can help you anticipate what people could ask at the end of the presentation, what might go haywire, and how you can be better prepared. While consequential thinking can’t guarantee that things won’t go wrong, it can help you gain a foresight of what might happen in a given situation.
These are some of many strategies to manage emotions we experience on a daily basis. Which among these have you tried or want to try? What other strategies have worked for you?
The author is Linchpin at My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com
