Operating with Emotional Intelligence (EI) means being smarter with feelings. This means being able to acknowledge, identify, label and understand emotions in self and others. It means understanding that our emotions affect the way we see ourselves, others and the world and therefore taking this into consideration to regulate our behaviors. 

Without emotional intelligence, we are quick to make assumptions. Conversely, if we are emotionally intelligent, we understand that most misunderstandings and miscommunication comes down to assumptions we make and therefore ask: khas ma k bhaeko ho (‘what really happened’)? As the saying goes, we don’t respond to what happens. We respond to our perception of what happens. 

When we lack EI, we take things personally and therefore, are quick to either blame or self-blame. Having EI means understanding that underneath judgments and blame we have about ourselves, about others or judgments others have about us, are difficult feelings and unmet needs. Identifying, labeling and understanding these feelings and needs are crucial to solving problems.

A lack of EI means reluctance to communicate what’s truly important. We give in to a deep fear about the judgments others will have if we communicate what it is that we need. Fear of rejection means it feels safer to not communicate rather than risking asking for something and not getting it. With EI, we understand that anything we say or do comes down to needs that are important to us in that moment (and this can't be automatically understood by others). Therefore we make the effort to transform vague expectations like ‘I wish they supported me’ to a specific request that would meet the need like ‘Can you write this section of this report for me by Sunday?’ to forming a clear agreement ‘Okay, so we have agreed that you’ll write half of the section by Tuesday’.

A few examples of these principles played out in everyday interactions:
Without EI: My teammates are so irritating! (Notice the lack of accountability for one’s feelings.)

With EI: When the meeting starts 10 minutes later than scheduled and that too without prior agenda being communicated, I feel irritated because I would have liked: a) to make the best use of my time b) focus on the other project where my inputs have a direct impact on the outcome. I’d like to request my manager if we can start communicating agendas prior to the meeting. (notice how we take full accountability for our feelings and needs and look for an action that would help.)

Without EI: I had to come to this party because of them! (Notice the lack of accountability for the choice we’ve made.)

With EI: Although initially I was reluctant to come to the party because I wanted time for myself, I still chose to come because coming here would be a way for me to show my support to the newly wed. I’d like to leave earlier than my friends because I still want some time for myself after this. (Notice how we take accountability for our choice.)

Listening with and without Emotional Intelligence:

When the other person says: “You’ve changed so much! You don’t like hanging out with us these days!”

Without EI: This person is insulting me in front of everyone! Of course I wouldn’t hang out with such insensitive people. No wonder I’ve outgrown them!

With EI: I’m upset that this person would question my intention. I’d appreciate if he was curious about me first. But it also seems like he wants to connect and socialize with me but as I haven’t hung out with this group for over six months, he seems annoyed at my lack of participation.

When the other person says: “You’re an amazing team player!”

Without EI: I’m not good at accepting compliments. I’ll just laugh it off by saying it is not a big deal.

With EI: I feel so joyful to know that I’ve been able to contribute as a team member. Can you tell me what exactly I said/did that helped you? Knowing this would help me better understand what it is that I could continue doing.

To catch yourself operating without emotional intelligence, use the following lens:

We are quick to diagnose (blame, judge, criticize).

We deny responsibility for their choice (I had to do it).

We speak in terms of who deserves what rather than trying to truly connect with others (they will know how I felt when they go through something similar!)

We make constant demands of others (by inducing fear, shame or guilt).

 

The author is co-founder of My Emotions Matter, an education initiative that helps individuals and teams learn the mindset and skills of Emotional Intelligence. Learn more at myemotionsmatter.com