Let’s admit it: Nepali politics is more difficult to understand than the complex calculus even for us Nepalis. If you are a foreigner, then you are probably even more confused—unless you happen to be the one who calls the shots here and knows more than what we can ever possibly know. The reason for the confusion is that we have redefined certain political concepts to suit our real­ity, and it’s not your fault that you can’t make sense of what is happening here.

Let’s jump straight to what certain political concepts mean for us.

Capitalism: Do whatever you want in order to make mon­ey, even if that means building buildings and bridges that collapse within a year and roads that are full of potholes within a week. Produce and sell adulter­ated food stuff. Keep the profit margin at 2,000 or more percent provided you are always at the service of the rulers and their relatives. Don’t pay the taxes but make sure to bribe the bureau­crats, leaders and make donations to political parties.

Socialism: Support expensive medical and private schools and do nothing to upgrade the quality of public health and education. Privatize the state-owned enter­prises. Widen the rift between the haves and have-nots. Send your kids abroad and have them own gas stations or use your con­nections to get them good jobs there. Impose all sorts of taxes but spend the tax money on, well, God knows what, but definitely not on public goods—for that, seek foreign assistance and make sure the bid goes to the ones that you the rulers of the day like for “obvi­ous” reasons.

Democracy: Rig elections and keep on getting elected again and again and view that as the right to do what you please. Let even those rejected by the people assume high-level government posts. Promote your children and relatives and practice dynastic politics. Think of yourself as the new king who can do anything because you have “public sup­port”. Let the powerful have their way with everything and even get away with serious crimes, but don’t let the weak escape the long hand of the law.

Let those embezzling bil­lions go free without even with a slap on the wrist and warmly welcome them into your parties, but punish severely the unlucky ones caught taking Rs 5,000 in bribe and tout that as uphold­ing the rule of law and good governance. Believe in, to slightly paraphrase Joseph Heller, ‘Rich is the country in democratic ide­als that has plenty of poor’ (ital­ics mine) and do everything in your capacity to increase the number of poor.

Communism: Rebels who take up arms. Torture and kill class enemies. But when they are in power, shake hands with the cap­italists. Preach Marx and Mao but practice “Some animals are more equal”. Make sure the rich keeps getting richer and the poor, well, view them as the proletariat who will promote revolution abroad while toiling in the sweltering heat. Give a lengthy lecture on “the means of production”, “base and superstructure” and “fetish­ism of commodities”—even if they have no idea what all these mean and make people scratch their heads—while they wear design­er stuff from abroad, and blame capitalism for all the country’s ills. And of course, label those who disagree with them as feudal, reactionaries and rightists.

Nationalism: Be nationalists only when their position is threat­ened. Criticize the 2015 Indian blockade but forget the 1989-90 one. Ask India to blockade us when things don’t go their way and argue it is for “democracy”. View the unification of Nepal by PN Shah as capitalist and impe­rialist expansion, but praise the biggest imperialists in modern history, Lenin and Stalin, for fighting imperialism. Divide the people using ethnic politics and regionalism. Roar like a tiger in Nepal, but meow like a cat in front of foreigners.

Federalism: Build a castle in the air. That’s pretty much it.

Intellectuals: Be greedy and have no ideals. Be able to switch sides and curry favors with polit­ical leaders and foreigners by parroting their lines. Be more concerned about promoting for­eign interests in Nepal than our own interests. Every time they speak and write, use jargons such as ‘Mahendrian nationalism’ and ‘Bahunbaad’ and blame those for Nepal’s wretched fate.

People: Willingly let the leaders exploit them. Gullible. Can do without water, roads, gasoline, electricity, education and health­care and pretty much anything. Not to be taken seriously.

Foreign policy: What is that?

Freedom of expression: Say and write things that doesn’t ruffle any feathers. Be wise and self-censor.