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“Love is not about finding the perfect person, but about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” – Sam Keen

Valentine’s Day often brings with it a lightning of emotions, from the excitement of celebrating love to the pressure of meeting expectations. But what if we looked beyond the chocolates and roses? What if we focused on the real essence of love—the kind that nurtures, heals, and grows over time?

Coffee cup promise

Shikha and Raman had been together for six years, their love weathering the highs of shared adventures and the lows of career struggles. One Valentine’s Day, Raman surprised Shikha not with a grand gesture but with a simple, heartfelt promise written on a sticky note stuck to her favorite coffee cup: “I promise to listen more and assume less.”

That note sparked a turning point. They began dedicating time every week to sit down, talk openly, and truly listen to each other’s fears and dreams. Their relationship, once weighed down by misunderstandings, transformed into a safe space where both felt seen and valued. It wasn’t the flowers or the dinner dates that strengthened their bond but the intentional effort to connect deeply.

Psychology of love

Love is a complex emotion that has intrigued psychologists for decades. Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love identifies three components that define a healthy relationship: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Intimacy refers to the emotional bond and closeness shared between partners, passion encompasses physical attraction and desire, and commitment represents the decision to maintain the relationship long-term.

Healthy relationships often find a balance among these components. For example, relationships solely based on passion might burn out quickly, while those focused only on commitment might lack excitement. Understanding this balance can help partners evaluate and strengthen their connection.

Additionally, the attachment theory proposed by John Bowlby highlights how early experiences with caregivers influence adult relationships. Securely attached individuals tend to have healthier and more trusting relationships, while those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles might struggle with intimacy or fear abandonment. Recognizing these patterns can foster self-awareness and empathy within relationships.

Relationship tips for building stronger bonds

1. Prioritize quality time: In today’s fast-paced world, dedicating undivided attention to your partner is invaluable. Simple acts like sharing meals without distractions or taking a walk together can strengthen emotional intimacy.
2. Cultivate shared goals: Working towards common objectives, whether it’s saving for a trip or learning a new hobby, fosters a sense of teamwork and deepens the bond.
3. Respect individuality: While togetherness is important, respecting each other’s individuality and personal space is equally vital. Healthy relationships thrive when both partners maintain their sense of self.

Skills for empathetic communication

Effective communication is the cornerstone of a successful relationship. Empathy, or the ability to understand and share another’s feelings, plays a crucial role in resolving conflicts and building trust. Here are some essential counseling-inspired skills for empathetic communication:

1. Listening matters: Focus entirely on what your partner is saying without interrupting or formulating a response while they speak. Reflect back what you hear to ensure understanding. Example: “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed with work. Is that right?”
2. Use “I” statements: Express your feelings without blaming your partner to prevent defensiveness. Example: Instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” try, “I feel stressed when I manage all the chores alone.”
3. Validate emotions: Acknowledge your partner’s feelings without judgment, even if you don’t fully agree. Example: “I understand why you felt hurt in that situation. Let’s work through it together.”

Role of gratitude in relationships

Gratitude is a powerful yet often overlooked aspect of healthy relationships. Expressing appreciation for your partner’s actions, qualities, and efforts fosters positivity and mutual respect. Research shows that couples who regularly practice gratitude experience higher levels of satisfaction and are better equipped to navigate challenges.

Here are ways to integrate gratitude into your relationship:

• Daily thank you: Make it a habit to thank your partner for small acts of kindness, such as making coffee or picking up groceries.
• Gratitude journaling: Share moments you’re grateful for at the end of each day to reinforce positive memories.
• Celebrate strengths: Focus on your partner’s strengths rather than their flaws. Highlight what you admire about them regularly.

This Valentine’s Day, let’s move beyond grand gestures and focus on the essence of love—understanding, empathy, and gratitude. Like Shikha and Raman’s journey, love flourishes not in fleeting moments but in the consistent, intentional efforts to connect. 

What simple, intentional promise could you make to a loved one today to foster deeper connection and understanding in your relationship?

Remember, love isn’t just about celebrating one day; it’s about building a lifetime of meaningful connections.

I’m a 32-year-old working woman and I’m a worrier. I worry about a dozen things on a daily basis—from small to big. Whenever there is a problem, my mind immediately goes to the worst-case scenario. I worry about the future. I worry about losing my loved ones. Though it doesn’t hamper my daily life, bad thoughts make me sad and sometimes I really don’t see the point in life. Please help!

Worry is a natural response in life. To a certain extent, everyone worries. It only becomes problematic when it overwhelms you. You must seek help if worrying hampers your daily life but let’s not get that far ahead right away. There are things you can do to keep yourself in check and deal with this issue.

First, I’d suggest you maintain a journal. List out what worries you. Also, jot down the times, and the things that send your mind on overdrive. This will be helpful in finding out if there is a pattern and you will be able to understand what triggers you. You will also be able to check the intensity and frequency of your thoughts. Is there a specific time you find yourself worrying too much? Does someone trigger that emotion in you? And is there a valid reason for worrying? You will be able to work all these out once you start writing down your thoughts.

Once you are aware of what makes you worried, set aside a ‘worry time’. Allow yourself to worry as much as you want and think whatever you want during this allocated time. If bad thoughts come during the other times of the day, tell yourself you will address time during that time frame. This will help you not to be consumed by your emotions. When you are aware of what worries you, then figure out what you can control and what you can’t. Focus on the things you can control and accept those you can’t. This will also divide your worries and lessen them.

I’d also recommend you challenge your negative thoughts. Reason out with yourself why your worry is unfounded. Is it based on your past experiences or are you just panicking for no reason? Another great way to get over your worries is to practice mindfulness. Our worries are generally rooted in the past or the future. Mindfulness helps you stay in the present. Make a dot and focus on it. Think of nothing else. Listen to a good song, or smell something pleasant. These can shift your mind from pointless chatter to a state of calm. Practicing gratitude can also help since it makes you focus on the positive aspects of life.

If none of these help and you find that worrying keeps you up at night or it interferes with your daily life, I’d suggest you seek professional help.

The author is a Counseling psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health