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Many of us have a problem saying no to people. It makes us uncomfortable. Sometimes we have to explain ourselves or make elaborate excuses. So, we end up saying yes to things we would rather not be a part of. I guess it’s one of the most common human conditions—one that we would like to correct but find ourselves unable to most of the time. 

I’m horrible at saying no to people. My default response is always a ‘sure’ or an ‘okay’ even as my mind is screaming otherwise. I don’t want to disappoint people or come across as someone who is difficult. But saying yes doesn’t always guarantee I will follow through on my promises. I will often skip lunches and invites despite having said yes to them. I’ll find ways to back out last minute and feel relieved when someone cancels engagements I’ve agreed to be a part of. I realize if I could only say no to things I don’t feel like doing, I don’t have to be unnecessarily stressed out or eventually do things half heartedly. 

I always vow to do better—to speak my mind and turn down offers I’m not interested in. I’m envious of people who can say no. Every year, it’s one of my top five resolutions. I’m trying to learn how to say no without offending people. But it’s not an easy thing. Whenever I say no (or try to say no) I can clearly see the hurt on the other person’s face and I start to explain myself, sometimes even making up stories as I go. I hate myself for it. But I fall into the trap every single time. 

I have a few friends, colleagues, and mentors who can say no politely and with ease. One thing they all seem to have in common is clearly sorted priorities. They know they won’t be able to give time to certain things and have no qualms about rejecting those offers. I have spoken to a few of them and they have all maintained that how the other person feels isn’t in their control. The best they can do is be direct and clearly state where they stand. It prevents future misunderstandings and complications, they say. 

I have said yes to things that I’ve had to cancel at the last minute and this is even worse than not being able to say no in the first place. I realize it makes me lose face and people aren’t likely to take my words seriously in the future. I can’t remember the number of times I’ve said yes to invitations and engagements knowing full well that I might not be able to make it and then regretted it later. 

I’ve also had people say yes to me only to disappear at the last minute. Once a senior female journalist agreed to participate in a roundtable event I was organizing for research purposes. She even confirmed a week before the discussion. Then she wouldn’t pick up her phone or respond to texts a day prior to the event. I know she wasn’t ill or had had no emergencies and could have responded to the calls and texts as she was out and about town. Some people I knew had even caught up with her for coffee and chitchat. 

Needless to say, I hated being on the receiving end of this kind of unprofessional behavior and I wondered how many times I might have disappointed people in a similar fashion. I would like to say that I’ve always made it a point to cancel if I wouldn’t be able to do something I had said yes to but I must have pulled the disappearing act too a few times when it has been too awkward to cancel. 

This one incident has made me think deeply and seriously about the importance and perhaps kindness of saying no rather than saying yes to seem amicable and nice and then later backing out. Though initially alarming, it gives the other person clarity on where things stand. It’s a nicer thing to do for the sake of the other person and also a kind thing to do for yourself. You will feel better about yourself and won’t be stressed. 

Saying no takes practice and it’s not something I hope to achieve overnight or through resolutions but to start with I’m definitely going to force myself to speak my mind instead of saying yes to everything that comes my way. 

One of my colleagues told me a great way to start saying no is to tell people you will think it through when they ask you something and not give an immediate answer. This allows you space to gather your thoughts and give a dignified answer without offending anyone or without having to compromise. 

Poetry can feel a little intimidating but there are some hacks if you want to get into it: Read poems out loud. Read them repeatedly. Let the words take space in your head. Over time, you will definitely come to enjoy reading poems and will find that they make sense as well, sometimes even resonating more than well-written prose by your favorite author.

I was petrified of poems and was relieved that I wouldn’t have to read them once they weren’t prescribed syllabus. But once I was out of college, I started picking up random poetry books of my own volition. One of the earliest works I read were some Nepali poems and those by Maya Angelou. I have to admit that not everything made sense but I enjoyed how I felt reading the words till they eventually fell into place. Slowly, I started picking up more poetry books as I could quickly read one or two even during busy days. I would carry a book of poetry in my bag and dip into it whenever I had some time. 

Over the years, I have amassed quite a few volumes of poetry. Gulzar, Rumi, Keats—I have tried to read widely and find what suits my taste. Not everything makes sense immediately but I’m not as intimidated by poems as I once was. I recently picked up ‘The Poetry Pharmacy’ by Willian Sieghart and the book goes everywhere with me. It’s on my bedside table at night. I carry it in my bag. I read a random page whenever I can and somehow whatever I read resonates deeply.The Poetry Pharmacy proclaims to be tried-and-true prescriptions for the heart, mind, and soul. And it indeed is. From mental and emotional wellbeing to love and loss, there are poems in this slim volume for all kinds of ailments. 

The idea of the poetry pharmacy came into being many years ago when Sieghart was asked to prescribe poems from one of his books to the audience during a literary festival in England. What was supposed to be an hour long affair turned into a several hours long event. People queued up to be prescribed a poem that would fix whatever was weighing down their hearts. Sieghart realized that “suffering is the access point to poetry for a lot of people: that’s when they open their ears, hearts, and minds.”

In the introduction to the book, he says sometimes the right words when people are in need can bring great comfort and that creates a love for poetry that can last a lifetime. He urges readers not to worry about their ability to read a poem and to try and read the same poem every night for five nights in a row when it doesn’t make sense. “Keep it by your bed and read it before you switch out the lights,” he says. That’s what I have been doing with The Poetry Pharmacy and the poems in the book have, in many ways, been a soothing balm just when I have needed it. 

Poems like ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling and ‘Still I Rise’ by Maya Angelou are two of my favorites that fill me with hope. There are many other poems ‘New Every Morning’ by Susan Coolige that has been prescribed for compulsive behavior, ‘The Mistake’ by James Fenton prescribed to get over regret and self-loathing, and ‘Come to the Edge’ by Christopher Logue that can fix lack of courage that feel like big, enveloping hugs that you didn’t know you needed. There’s a poem titled ‘Chemotherapy’ by Julia Darling that I must urge everyone to read. Cancer is unfortunately becoming something we are all dealing with on a personal level: perhaps we have gone through it ourselves or seen a loved one suffer. This poem reminds us that life can’t be made inconsequential by illness and that small pleasures can bring a lot of comfort in the darkest of times. 

The Poetry Pharmacy brings together some of the best poems by poets who understand the human conditions all too well. The book’s layout is such that it has Sieghart’s ‘prescriptions’ on one side and the poem on the other page. His explanations or ‘editorials’ are every bit as uplifting as the poems he prescribes. The book is a complication of 56 universal problems. Read it cover to cover or dip in and out whenever you want to, this brilliant book of poems is guaranteed to be a lifesaver.

The Poetry Pharmacy

William Sieghart

Published: 2017

Publisher: Particular Books, Penguin Random House UK

Pages: 151, Hardcover

Banana Yoshimoto is the pen name of the author Mahoko Yoshimoto whose father is a famous poet in Japan. I picked up her collection of short stories titled ‘Dead-End Memories’ earlier this year because I was fascinated by the name and also because if I come across a collection of short stories by an author I haven’t read I will definitely pick it up. I had enjoyed the collection of stories about women, who after some painful event in their lives, find comfort in small moments of everyday life. 

I wanted to read more of her works which is why I picked up ‘Kitchen’ during a recent trip to the bookstore. I have been having a reading slump of sorts again and I thought this slim book would be just perfect to get over it. Kitchen comprises two classic tales about mothers, kitchens, love, and tragedy. It was published in 1987 and won two of Ja[an’s most prestigious literary prizes. 

‘The place I like the best in the world is the kitchen’ reads the first line of the book and I was hooked. Throughout the book, you return to the kitchen again and again. It’s almost like the kitchen is the main character. Mirage Sakurai, the protagonist of the slim novel, loves the kitchen. It’s where she finds comfort. But the story isn’t about kitchens or cooking. It’s basically about Mikage’s life, her grief and her sorrows and how she deals with them. 

Mikage lives with her grandmother. Her parents died when she was a young girl. When her grandmother passes away, she finds herself suddenly alone and unable to figure out the ways of the world. Yuichi, someone her grandmother knew, invites her for dinner and then to stay with his family until she finds her footing. There she meets Eriko, Yuichi’s father-turned-mother. The rest of the novel is a story of the three of them and what happens when their lives intertwine. 

Kitchen is a lovely story of finding comfort in unlikely places and the strength you draw from other people’s stories and lives. The writing is smooth and you can probably read the book in one sitting but you also want to take things slow and savor the story. The book deals heavily with loss, loneliness, and mourning but it’s also a hopeful story. You feel sad but you are waiting for the light to appear and things to change. It’s exactly how life feels like and reading the book makes you marvel at the fragility and beauty of life. 

The second story in the book, ‘Moonlight Shadow’ is a shorter read than the titular one. But it’s engaging and surreal. It tells the story of Satsuki, who lost her boyfriend in an accident. Her boyfriend’s brother Hiiragi also lost his girlfriend in the same accident. It’s once again a story about loss and grief, much like Kitchen but it focuses more on getting closure from a relationship before being able to move on in life. Even though it’s shorter than Kitchen, the characters are more fleshed out and the story felt more real despite the magical realism element to it. 

I enjoyed Yoshimoto’s short story collection but I would definitely recommend those reading her for the first time to start with Kitchen first as it’s simple yet thought-provoking. 

Kitchen

Banana Yoshimoto

Translated from the Japanese by Meghan Backus

Published: 1994

Publisher: Faber & Faber Limited

Pages: 150, paperback

Let me start by admitting that I found Rajkummar Rao a little strange as an actor (meaning I thought he wasn’t really actor material as he didn’t look very appealing on screen). So I didn’t watch his films until Covid-19 lockdowns happened and we were stuck at home with our evenings pretty much free. Then, on a friend’s recommendation, I watched a few of his movies like ‘Shaadi Mein Zaroor Aana’, ‘Trapped’ and ‘Stree’. There was no doubt that he was a phenomenal actor who portrayed the characters he played with conviction and courage.

The three films I watched were all different from one another; one was a romance, another was a thriller, while Stree was a horror-comedy. The films worked because of Rao’s stellar acting and convincing character portrayal. All three movies have over seven ratings on IMDb. Over time, as I watched his other works like ‘Hit’, ‘Citylights’, ‘Roohi’, ‘Mr and Mrs Mahi’, and ‘Badhaai Do’, I started associating him with someone who only does selective but good work and shines in all his roles.

But Rao, in the last few years, has been doing the same kind of roles back-to-back and it’s getting a little annoying now. I understand that most actors are typecast into a specific kind of role. But Rao is doing himself a disservice by playing a useless, lovestruck, small-town guy who has nothing going for him. He doesn’t come across as charming and irresistible as he’s supposed to. Rather, you pity him and sometimes even want to slap him.

His latest movie ‘Bhool Chuk Maaf’ that released this year is another disaster. The movie is available on Amazon Prime but I insist you give it a miss if you don’t want to suffer a headache. I attribute my headache after watching the movie to the countless times I must have rolled my eyes at Rao’s weird antics and painful acting. It takes a lot of effort to make a movie and I don’t want to say bad things but Bhool Chuk Maaf was a rehash of many different rom-coms we have all watched (and become a little bored of by now).

Ranjan Tiwari (Rao) is a small-town boy from Banaras, India, who is in love with Titli (Wamiqa Gabbi) but Titli’s father doesn’t approve of Ranjan. As someone who doesn’t have a stable job, he thinks Ranjan won’t be able to provide for his family. He agrees to let Titli marry Ranjan on one condition—that he find himself a government job in two months. Unable to get through multiple exams, Ranjan turns to Lord Shiva. Ranjan lands a job but gets stuck in a time loop when he forgets to fulfill his vow.

The plot has potential. It was marketed as a ‘high concept’ comedy. While I have read books where characters have been stuck in time loops, I hadn’t come across a Bollywood movie that explores this entertaining albeit frustrating concept. Had it been better executed and supported by strong acting by the main character, the movie wouldn’t have been such a bore. Gabbi shines in her role as does Sanjay Mishra who plays Bhagwan Das, the agent commissioned to find Ranjan a job. But Rao is at the center of the story and even with great support from the rest of the cast, he isn’t able to keep you hooked.

You feel like you have seen this movie before because you have watched Rao in similar roles in quite a few movies in the past. His role in Bhool Chuk Maaf is reminiscent of his roles in Stree, ‘Vicky Vidya ka Woh Wala Video’, ‘Chalaang’, Mr and Mrs Mahi and a few others that I’m forgetting at the moment. In each of these movies, he’s been reduced to a hapless person who can’t seem to fix his life. He’s a man child who always seems to get girls way out of his league. At least in the movies I have mentioned, his acting was convincing. In Bhool Chuk Maaf, Rao looks bored and disinterested.

The songs are ridiculous to say the least and Rao, who I thought was a decent dancer, makes jerky body movements and strange facial expressions. It was actually difficult to watch. Worse, the tracks also don’t fit seamlessly into the plot and just make the movie drag on pointlessly. I don’t remember the last time I watched a Bollywood flick and didn’t enjoy the choreography. But Bhool Chuk Maaf’s main fault definitely lies in its unconvincing characterization. It’s almost like Rao stepped into this movie from one of his previous movies and just found a new love interest. I hope Rao  chooses better scripts and steps away from rom-coms that make him seem like a loser and finally lives up to the potential he showed during his early days in the Hindi film industry. 

Many years ago, my mother told my father to seek help for his anxiety and depression that perhaps stemmed from a traumatic childhood. His reaction was not only one of resistance but one of outright anger as well. “Yes, I’m crazy,” he said. My parents are medical doctors. So, for me, it came as a shock that someone who actually had ‘knowledge’ about mental health had such a narrow mindset. I guess sometimes societal conditioning can overpower formal education.

It took many years of my mother and I gently coaxing my father to get help for him to finally give in. He agreed to visit a psychiatrist. But he still didn’t want anyone to know. He would meticulously file his medical bills to claim insurance but he would tear and throw all the receipts that came from the psychiatrist’s clinic. He didn’t want anyone at the insurance company to find out as he had been their client for many years and people knew him.

My mother, on the other hand, is extremely vocal about mental health and her awareness and acceptance of it is in stark contrast to my father’s. And she’s even a few years older than my father. But mental health taboo is so deep rooted in our culture that even as I write this I find myself wondering if I’m giving out too much information, and if my father will be upset should he come across this piece (he’s currently out of town so he won’t have access to the physical copy of the paper for a few days so that allows me to heave a sigh of relief).

There is definitely more conversation around mental health than ever before and that is allowing people to open up about their own issues or their loved one’s struggles. But there’s still a sense of unease while discussing mental health as people fear it makes them appear weak and thus gives them a sense of inferiority complex. The social and cultural stigma often prevents people from seeking treatment and, as with most diseases, early intervention is the best hope for a full recovery in case of mental illnesses as well.

A recent survey by the Nepal Health Research Council found that 10 percent of Nepalis have suffered from mental health conditions at some point in their lives. Nepal adopted the National Mental Health Policy in 1997 and has, over the years, demonstrated its commitment to promoting mental health by adopting different plans and policies. But their implementation and monitoring remain weak due to inadequate funding, limited human resources, and concentration of services in urban areas.

I feel social media has a large role to play in raising awareness about mental health, especially among youths. There are many influencers and youth-led organizations that are sharing stories of mental health struggles, whether their own or of people they know, and this has created a community of sorts where people feel supported and not judged. But as someone who has had to deal with a loved one’s mental illness, I know it’s going to take a lot more than just conversations on social media for our society to accept mental health as any other illness people might suffer from like a cold or a stomach infection. They say change starts at home but support from immediate family members can’t do much when you feel you will be shamed and shunned the minute you step out of the door.

When one person in a family battles a mental health issue of any kind, whether it’s mood disorders or addiction, the whole family suffers its consequences. It’s like walking on eggshells all the time. As selfish as it might sound, sometimes I think my mother and I suffered more than my father as our whole world revolved around him. It was almost like one person had the control of multiple lives. My father was living his own life, while dictating how my mother and I lived ours as well. Our moods depended on how he was feeling on a particular day. If he was happy, so were we. If he were sad, upset, or angry, then our day was a guaranteed dud.

It’s only now that my father has started treatment and his mood is a lot more stable that I find myself breathing a little more freely. I’m also not constantly on the edge. Otherwise, I had to be extremely careful of what I said and how I behaved when he was around and that was stressful to say the least. I once read a quote that said, “Most of us who are in therapy are in therapy because a loved one who needs therapy refused to go to therapy.” I used to ‘joke’ (or perhaps it never was just a joke) that my father’s mental health problems were slowly seeping into me. I was always a sound sleeper but as my father’s anxiety and depression got worse, I found myself sleeping fitfully. It also became harder to stay motivated professionally. Sometimes, I felt like doing nothing at all.

It takes a lot to deal with a loved one’s mental health issues, especially when they don’t get the help they need. Greater awareness on mental health and breaking the stigma that surrounds it would definitely help as would policy interventions to make mental health checks and counselling mandatory at schools, colleges, and workplaces. But while all that happens slowly on the side, I believe sharing your story of mental health struggles might help someone else do the same, thus creating a circle of hope. 

There was a time when I was really skeptical about books that were turned into movies. I wouldn’t watch the movie adaptation of a book I had enjoyed as I feared it would ruin the story or rather the imagery for me, that I would think of characters or a scene and the faces of actors or the shot location would come to mind rather than what I had conjured up on my own. 

But I had friends who watched movies of the books I read, even if they hadn’t read the books themselves. Sometimes, they had such good things to say that I would be intrigued. We all know peer pressure is a funny thing. It sometimes hits you like a boulder. That was how I found myself slowly watching movies based on books. 

I have to confess that there was a time when I always felt that the book was better than its movie. In fact, I would often be angry at what I considered sloppy filmmaking. But in my heart I knew I was just being stubborn. There were some books that were adapted into movies like Roald Dahl’s ‘Matilda’ and J.K. Rowling’s ‘Harry Potter’ series that I enjoyed as much as, if not more than, the books. It was only during the Covid-19 lockdowns that I actively started searching for and watching movie adaptations of books I had enjoyed. I found that many were as brilliant as the book. 

I still make sure that I read the book first and only then watch the movie. I still don’t like how books are often republished with their movie posters on the cover but I’m definitely not closed to the idea that movies can measure up to their books. 

Hollywood actor Reese Witherspoon frequently adapts books she loves into movies and I have really enjoyed quite a few of those. Bollywood has also warmed up to this culture and started making movies based on books and I must confess that I’m a sucker for Hindi movies. 

I know many people, like the earlier version of me, still don’t watch movie adaptations, fearing it will ruin the book for them. So, for the uninitiated I’m recommending 10 books that are brilliant by themselves but watching their movies will make your reading experience all the more fun and wholesome. 

Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens

This is one of my favorite books. I feel like I say that a lot, and about a lot of books but I believe readers are allowed to gush over their favorites and sometimes they have a good number of favorites. ‘Where the Crawdads Sing’ was recommended to me by a friend who is a voracious reader and I put off reading it because the font size was really small. But when I finally picked it up, I cursed myself for not having read it sooner. It’s about a girl named Catherine, known as the ‘marsh girl’ by the locals, who is abandoned by her parents and has to learn to fend for herself. Soon, she is suspected of killing someone and has to prove her innocence. The book has beautiful language and scene setting. The movie is engaging and manages to capture Catherine’s angst beautifully. 

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott 

I read ‘Little Women’ in school. It was prescribed reading. I think many of us read it as a part of our curriculum. I have read it a few more times since then and I cry every time I read it. The story about the four March sisters is so evocative and relatable at times that strong emotional reactions are to be expected. The book has been adapted into movies many times and there’s also a television series on it. I like the original movie, the one that came out in 1994 and has Winona Ryder, Susan Sarandon, Kirsten Dunst, and Claire Danes among others in the cast. We were shown this movie at school and I remember enjoying it then too. I’ve recently rewatched it and came to the conclusion that watching the movie feels like reading the book. It’s such a lovely adaptation. The 2019 version isn’t bad either. But if you had to take a pick, I’d recommend the ‘original’ one. 

The Woman in the Window by A. J. Finn 

I like claustrophobic thrillers because the world and tension building in these kinds of books make the stories really gripping. ‘The Woman in the Window’ follows the life of Dr Anna Fox who suffers from agoraphobia and doesn’t go out of her house in New York City. Her view of the outside world is limited to what she can see from her window. One day, she witnesses a murder across the street. But she can’t prove it and no one seems to believe her. The book is such a tense one that I guarantee you won’t be able to put it down. It’s not gory so if that’s not your thing when reading thrillers then you will definitely enjoy this book. The 2021 movie by the same name, starring Amy Adams as Dr Anna Fox is highly enjoyable. Adams’ acting is on point and convincing, making you root for her and doubt her in equal measure.  

The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

‘The Lovely Bones’ is a 2002 novel by American author Alice Sebold that follows a young girl who is murdered as she comes to terms with her own death while in heaven. She also watches her family and friends deal with the grief of losing her. I read the book a few years after it was published and it was a difficult read as the girl is raped and murdered and I struggled with anger and sadness. I think it was one of the first books that made me aware of rape and its consequences on the victim’s family. The novel was adapted into a movie and as a play in England, touring several cities. The movie stars Saoirse Ronan and Stanley Tucci and their performances were highly praised by the audience. The movie has a 6.6 rating on IMDb. It’s an emotional rollercoaster so be prepared to shed some tears. 

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn 

I have yet to come across a book that was as hyped as ‘Gone Girl’ by Gillian Flynn. It catapulted the author to the bestsellers’ list when the book was published in 2012 and kept her there for what seemed like ages. Everyone I know, even those who didn’t read, was talking about the book. Nick Dunne is suspected to be behind his wife’s disappearance but things are a lot more messy than they seem. Amy disappears on the morning of their fifth wedding anniversary and the house shows clear signs of struggle. Everything points at Nick but what really happened? A trigger warning though: there are mentions of sexual abuse and a lot of profanity. The plot is taut and keeps you on the edge. The suspense keeps building and you never get bored as you keep wondering what must have happened. The movie has Rosamund Pike and Ben Affleck in leading roles and an 8.1 rating on IMDb.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

‘The Hunger Games’ series is a dystopian series where participants—a boy and a girl from 12 districts—compete in a televised game of life and death. One one will emerge the winner. It was originally a trilogy but now there are two more novels in the series. For 16-year-old Katniss Everdeen it’s a death sentence when she decides to take part in the games in place of her younger sister when she gets chosen to participate. But survival for her is second nature and she makes for a strong contender. The Hunger Games is thrilling, suspenseful, and action packed. You will not want to put the book down. It might be a young adult novel but it hits differently when you read it as an adult as you are more attuned to the nuances of the situations and don’t just take things at face value. Director Gary Ross’ movie adaptation was a box office success and few others YA fantasy have been able to replicate that success. 

Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi 

‘Persepolis’ is a graphic novel based on Marjane Satrapi’s life in Tehran, Iran’s capital, in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s. The story narrates how Marjane’s family lived through difficult, turbulent times like overthrowing the autocratic Shah through Islamic revolution, the fundamentalist regime that replaced him, and the devastating Iran-Iraq war. Marjane is a spiritual person but her parents are modern and she struggles with it. She also talks to God at night and believes she will become a prophet. But as the revolution goes on, she’s swayed by different beliefs and starts imitating the protestors and revolutionaries. She learns about her family history and finds out they have always been rebels. The book is such an interesting look into the mind of a young girl who is learning new things and learning who she is along the way. It was adapted into a movie in 2007 under the direction of the author so it stays very true to the book. However, the animated feature film is suitable only for adults. 

The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger 

I think many people have watched this phenomenal movie that came out in 2006 starring Meryl Streep, Anna Hathaway, Emily Blunt, and Stanley Tucci among others. It’s pretty much a cult classic. People a decade or more younger than me are still watching this movie—it’s that amazing. ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ is currently available on Netflix and the movie is based on the 2003 book by the same name. It’s basically a story about a young woman who is hired as a personal assistant to a powerful fashion magazine editor and the drama that ensues in the fashion world. Weisberger worked as a personal assistant to Anna Wintor, the editor of Vogue, much like the novel’s protagonist and this was what caught people’s attention when the book came out. There’s even a sequel called ‘Revenge Wears Prada’. The movie is great with stellar performances from all the characters but the book is highly enjoyable too. 

Room by Emma Donoghue

‘Room’ is a thriller novel by Irish Canadian author Emma Donoghue that was published in 2010. But it’s so much more than just a thriller story. It’s an exploration of rape, abuse, motherhood, hope, and resilience. It can be a bit difficult to read at times because of the heavy themes but it’s a captivating story that is inspired by a real story. The novel was longlisted for the 2011 Orange Prize and won the 2011 Commonwealth Writers’ Prize.  It was also shortlisted for the Booker Prize in 2010. The movie adaptation came out in 2015 and has Brie Larson and Jacob Tremblay. It got four Academy Award nominations. Larson won the Best Actress award for it. The story is told from the perspective of a five-year-old boy who is locked in a room with his mother. He is unaware of the fact that the man ‘Old Nick’, who brings them food and other necessities, actually kidnapped and raped his mother when she was 19 and has kept her locked up for seven years and that there is a world beyond the four walls of the room.

Wild by Cheryl Strayed 

This is a memoir where the author tells us about her solo hike on the Pacific Crest Trail after her mother’s death and the breakdown of her marriage. The trip is Strayed’s gift to herself for self-discovery and healing purposes and the memoir explores the spiritual and emotional transformation she undergoes as she experiences the beauty of the natural world. It’s an honest depiction of grief, loss, and longing. The writing is humorous and poignant and makes what could have been a difficult read an enjoyable one. The 2014 movie stars Reese Witherspoon and is compelling and introspective. It’s a tad bit on the slow side but Witherspoon’s performance is well worth your time. 

We live in an increasingly polarized world and feminist literature has never been as important as it is today. It’s our only hope of a better, more inclusive world as reading about diverse cultures and experiences can make us more receptive to ideas that we might not necessarily agree with. I have seen staunch people change their views on gender and sexuality because they read or watched something that triggered an emotional response in them. It doesn’t happen overnight but there’s a chance that even people with strict traditional moral values might change their minds and be open to new ideas if they find works that resonate with them. This week, I’m recommending five of my favorite feminist reads that I think everyone, especially men, should read. 

Three Women by Lisa Taddeo

I first heard about this book from a BookTuber I follow. She spoke so highly of it that I wanted to get a copy as soon as I could. And I wanted a physical copy of the book because I was a little in love with its gorgeous, well thought out cover. ‘Three Women’ is a non-fiction book by Lisa Taddeo. It’s her debut novel and it follows the sexual and emotional lives of three women from different backgrounds and regions in the United States. Taddeo interviewed these three women and their families and friends over the course of eight long years. What I especially enjoyed about the book is that it reads like fiction rather than non-fiction. There’s almost a thriller element to it. The book details women’s complex emotions on desire and power and sheds light on how most women are the victims of misogyny even when it might not be obvious. I think it’s a must read for women of all ages and it’s an even more important work for men to pick up. 

We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

This slim book by Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie was published in 2014 and talks about the meaning of feminism and its importance in the 21st century. Adichie draws from her own life experiences and things that she has been told by other women. The main argument of the essay is, like the title suggests, everyone should be a feminist and Adichie shows how we can do better so that there is gender equality in the world. She urges readers to challenge old beliefs on gender that promote inequality between men and women. I read the book every six months or so because it’s short and the ideas presented in it make me think in different ways with every read. I also enjoy Adichie’s writing. Her novel ‘Purple Hibiscus’ is one of my absolute favorites. In ‘We Should All Be Feminists’, her voice rings loud and clear, inspiring you to do whatever you can to break free from cultural and social constructs that tell you that you are less than a man. I also tend to carry this book in my bag and dip in and out whenever I have some free time. Even if I read just a few lines, I find my mind becomes alert and I like how that feels. 

The Color Purple by Alice Walker

I didn’t read this book for the longest time because it was everywhere and I felt I knew everything there was to know about it without even owning a copy. ‘The Color Purple’, which was published in 1982, won the 1983 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. Everyone I knew, even those who didn’t read a lot, had read this book and I kind of felt left out so I finally gave in and bought a copy. The book has been targeted by censors many times, mainly for the explicit content so I also wanted to find out what the fuss was all about. The book has been adapted into feature films, musicals and even a radio series. The protagonist of the novel is sexually abused by her father and then her husband and the book details her journey of finding herself despite her circumstances. I must admit that it’s a difficult novel to read but it’s also an essential read as it makes you aware of the atrocities women suffer at the hands of men and why it’s important to speak up about gender equality and sexuality. 

A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf

I have multiple copies of Virginia Woolf’s ‘A Room of One’s Own’ as it’s a book I keep lending out and people keep forgetting to return it and I always like having a copy at hand. One of my friends recently gifted me a special edition of the book that has become one of my prized possessions. It’s an extended essay based on two lectures that Woolf delivered in 1928 at women’s colleges. The idea of the work is basically that for women to achieve greatness and come up with good literary work, they must have two things and that both of these are non-negotiable: financial resources, and time and space in the form of ‘a room of one’s own’. You get the sense of how important financial freedom is, especially for women. It gives them independence and agency besides allowing them to pursue what they love. It’s narrated by an unnamed female character, making you feel like it could very well be you telling your story. There’s a television adaptation of the book that compliments it really well. But I suggest you read the book first and then watch it on screen for maximum impact. 

The Awakening by Kate Chopin

I believe there is a right time to read ‘The Awakening’ by Kate Chopin. Otherwise, it can come across as boring. I had almost given up on it after multiple tries when I picked it up on whim one day and really enjoyed it. It’s considered a landmark work of early feminist literature as it depicts female sexuality with brutal honesty and challenges traditional gender roles. It was originally titled ‘A Solitary Soul’ and depicts a young mother’s struggle to achieve sexual and personal freedom. When it was first published in 1899, it was criticized for its portrayal of marital infidelity. It has also been described as a case study of 19th century feminism as the theme of the novel is women’s bodily autonomy—the right to have control over one’s body and identity. Feminists back then argued that the only way a woman could gain freedom was by refusing men’s control over their bodies. They focused on a wife’s right to say no to sexual advances from her husband. The novel is laced with symbolism and thus feels a little heavy so I suggest you read it when you are in the right frame of mind for it as it will keep you up at night. 

There’s a popular Calvin and Hobbes quote that goes: Never in the history of calm down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down. For me, no other quote has resonated as much as this one, especially in the past few months when everyone around me has been telling me to calm down or take it easy the minute they see I’m a little worked up. But is there anything such as a stress-free life? Life demands so much from you and it’s not actually all that bad. 

I don’t understand why people see every little stress as something negative and even scary. While chronic stress is definitely not a good thing, I feel daily stresses actually keep you on your toes and stop you from becoming complacent. They make you think, ideate, and come up with effective solutions. It can put your brain in problem solving mode and push you out of your comfort zone. There is something called positive stress (eustress) and studies have shown that it can actually be beneficial for your overall well being. 

And to be honest, there is no avoiding stress. There are different chores or things that go wrong in the house that need your attention. We all know how frustrating it is to get anything done in Nepal. One simple task needs a dozen phone calls. At work, you have deadlines to meet, difficult colleagues to deal with, issues that need ironing out, and bureaucratic hurdles that give you splitting headaches. Anticipation, excitement, and even anger sometimes can cause stress that motivates you to take action and change what you don’t like about your life. 

I’m not talking about chronic stress. I understand that has a lot of negative health impacts but acute stress, those that come and go quickly, isn’t something that needs to be feared and shunned. Most people around me don’t seem to realize that stress is a part of life and you can’t escape it simply by ignoring your problems or ‘letting go’. Talking about your problems or dwelling on them is often seen as marinating in negativity. But for me, discussing issues with my parents or partner or contemplating about them on my own makes me more likely to be able to fix what’s wrong. On the other hand, if I were to simply try to push problems out of my mind (as I’m often told to) I’d inevitably be consumed by them.

I must confess that I’m actually on the verge of losing it if one more person tells me to calm down. When people tell me to let things slide, they are asking me to put up with rude behavior, be okay with not getting things done, or give time for things to settle on their own (which I think is such a cowardly and lazy thing to do). All this, I believe, will make me vulnerable and unable to cope with my problems in the long run as it will hamper my decision-making skills and take me from being an action-oriented to an avoidant person. 

As a society, we have adopted a negative mindset towards stress. The moment you tell someone you are stressed or worried, they tell you to take a deep breath, calm down, or just let it go, sometimes even without asking what’s bothering you. ‘Don’t stress’ is the lamest advice I have ever heard. It’s like telling an anxious person not to be anxious or someone who has the flu or a stomach ache to just pretend they aren’t ill. It’s the most useless advice because it doesn’t work and it also shows you that the other person doesn’t care about you or your problems. Have you watched the same people bending backwards trying to fix things when it’s their or their loved ones’ lives in question?

According to Dr Richard Shelton, Department of Psychiatry at the University of Alabama, Birmingham, stress is the body’s fight or flight response being activated and it’s meant to be protective, not harmful. The key, he says in an article I read recently, is viewing stressful situations as a challenge rather than a roadblock.