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Have you ever wondered how children would develop if all their physical needs like food, clothing, and shelter were fully met but not an ounce of emotional component were offered. Imagine a child growing up with no love, no cuddling, no emotional response, no affectionate touch, and no playful interaction. By the time this child turns 10, what kind of world would exist inside her/him?

And I’m not writing this article based on mere psychological prediction and imagination. It happened in real life, ‘The case of Genie’ was a girl in California who was locked in a room alone for nearly 13 years, with almost no human interaction. She was fed and physically kept alive but was never spoken to, played with, or emotionally nurtured. What happened to her was she never learned the language and learning at the age of 13 is almost impossible as the right time for our cognition to catch and learn the neural path of language has gone a long time ago. She didn’t know how to form a relationship with other people along with herself. She was physically underdeveloped despite adequate nutrition. She was suffering from extreme social anxiety along with an inability to understand normal human behavior. As she moved forward in life, she struggled to meet the demands of adulthood, and the problem affected nearly every aspect of her life. Many studies with similar experiences have shown that individuals in such situations face a significantly higher risk of premature death. These cases often become hopeless and helpless, as both medical and psychological interventions typically have limited effectiveness in such situations.

It’s clear that simply providing the basic necessities for survival is not enough for children to develop into a healthy adult. Children absorb essential life skills and values from their parents, who teach the very ‘language of life’ through their actions, words and ways the parents relate with them. Now, let's explore what children acquire, how they absorb it, and from whom. Specifically, let's examine what a child derives from their mother and what they expect from their father in order to nurture their optimal developmental needs.

Mother

There are two literal meanings of the word ‘mother’. The first refers to the biological female parent who gives birth, while the second refers to the person who nurtures. While in the womb, a child is not a separate entity but rather a part of their mother’s body. Although it takes nine months for the child to physically differentiate from the mother, it takes much longer for the child to truly realize that they are distinct from her. For around 20 days, the child recognizes the mother by her scent. It’s only after this period that they could identify her through physical sensation.  There exists very strong bonding between mother and children as we all can observe at the time of discomfort, the mother’s hug and warmth can be incredibly soothing to the child.

A mother, with an instinctive grace, senses the unspoken tides of her child’s emotions and discomfort, offering solace even when words are yet to take form. This allows the child to believe they are in safe hands, in a world where they can trust that their needs will be met with care. This responsiveness not only builds trust with the mother but also shapes the child’s perception of the world, extending that trust to aspects of other environmental entities. So the language of love, attachment, emotional security and concept of compassion is derived from a mother’s attitude toward her children. This emotional warmth, attunement and unconditional acceptance and love is internalized by the child, which further helps to develop the right brain of the children. And one of the major functions of the right brain is to process emotion and regulate emotional experiences particularly in recognizing, experiencing and expressing emotions, along with nonverbal communication and understanding the ‘how’ of emotional messages. This will teach children to process, experience, manage, and regulate both the wanted and unwanted experiences in life.

Now, let’s explore what happens when a mother’s love is imperfect or fails to reach its fullest warmth. If a child fails to internalize the love and warmth of mother, a fracture emerges, making both the giving and receiving of love a delicate struggle. It’ll be difficult for them to experience, communicate and express the emotion that they encounter in life. The rupture of this bond hinders their ability to forge deep, meaningful connections—both with themselves and with others which may further lead to social and emotional isolation. And if a child couldn’t internalize the love and emotional warmth, they may come to believe that love is something they are unworthy of. This deepens the cycle of self-criticism, reinforcing their doubts and insecurities. Even when they connect with emotionally healthy individuals capable of offering warmth and attachment, they struggle to fully trust, accept and reciprocate the same in return. An unconscious inner dialogue may arise: ‘How can other people offer the same warmth that my own mother was incapable of ?’

Father

Though a child can sense and recognize the mother, the father remains a stranger. It is the mother who introduces the father to them. Just like mother, the word father also has two distinct meanings. First in the male parents and second is linked to protection, guidance, and boundary-setting. The major role of mother is to foster the inner world i.e., love and emotional development whereas the role of father is to foster the outer world i.e., facing the world, people and navigating various challenges that life offers. Children are very tiny, immensely inadequate to face the world independently, it’s the father who not just teaches them to navigate but also supports them in the process. Whenever he faces a challenge too vast for his small hands to grasp, he seeks the comfort of his parents (especially father), finding in their presence the reassurance that he is not alone in his struggle. This embrace of support becomes his shield, offering both protection and a profound sense of security. This support empowers them to develop their own way of dealing with life’s challenges as they step into adulthood.

Now, let’s explore what happens when a father’s love is imperfect or fails to reach its fullest comfort. Let’s understand this from one example. A boy of 11 has started to become a victim of bullying in his school from his classmates. Although he somehow communicated this abuse with his parents, his father, not realizing the extent of what was happening, advised him to be more social and to avoid initiating conflicts with his classmates. He emphasised the importance of adapting to the situation, he framed teasing as a common and harmless aspect of friendship. However, this dismissal of his feelings left the child feeling unheard, gradually convincing him that he was overreacting and that his distress was unwarranted. In any way he wasn’t seeking the advice rather he declined the support or the protection we needed. Now do you think he would be able to defend and deal with the bullies the other day in school? Of course he can’t, because he doesn’t have enough support needed to deal with those situations. There’s only one viable option left—to tolerate all the mistreatment from his classmates. Nothing more than that. Fathering serves as a profound support system, much like the wings of a bird—providing stability while navigating the vast expanse of life. It becomes the unshakable backbone, a force that grounds yet propels forward, ensuring balance, strength, and the confidence to soar and deal with challenges that life presents. On the contrary, imagine if the father had truly acknowledged his concerns, responding with the same depth of understanding as the child experienced them. What if that protection would have been provided to him? The child would have learned to defend himself. He would not have internalized the bullying but instead recognized it as mistreatment, allowing him to reject such behavior in the future allowing him to navigate similar situations with resilience and assertiveness.

The fractured support from father may hamper development of a strong sense of security. One may find themselves ill-equipped to navigate life's uncertainties leading to experience anxiety. If severely deprived, one may develop a deep sense of helplessness and hopelessness, perceiving life’s challenges not as obstacles to overcome but as burdens to be endured. Rather than actively engaging with difficulties, adapting and finding solutions, they may come to believe that their only option is to tolerate suffering in silence—trapped in a passive existence where resilience feels unattainable and change seems impossible. This may further manifest in their inability to stand up for themselves and have deep fear of confrontation.

The longer you walk through life’s winding paths, the clearer it becomes: life’s not fair. Not just for you, if you look closely at the lives of others, and you'll find that fairness is a myth we all wrestle with. Life’s more complicated than the mathematical equation that we’ve encountered during our education years. And most of our thought/emotional process, action, decision and the coincidences we face lies beyond the rule of cause and effect. Life doesn’t ask what we’d like on our plate—it simply serves. The only real choice we have isn’t whether to eat it or not rather it is how we eat and digest. There are countless things beyond our control. No bargaining is heard and acknowledged—just acceptance of what life hands us. Looking at the fragility of life, even a slight, accidental cut to a nerve, just deep enough can lead to irreversible consequences. 

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), approximately 1.19m people die in road accidents every year—that’s over 3,200 deaths per day, 133 people in an hour and two every single minute. Each of these individuals was on a journey, with their futures ahead of them. Weren’t they planning what they would do the next day? Yet, how can we justify their untimely deaths? While some religions attempt to justify it through the karma of past lives, others attribute it to destiny, believing it’s all written. And nobody knows how true this justification is and nobody will probably know. Although if we get the justification, will it bypass our emotional reaction and responses generated by the event and coincidences. I don’t think so, because rationalization lacks the power to regulate the emotion that we experience. It’s often said that everything is fair in love and war, but one thing is certain—everything is fair in life. Anything can happen, we can’t deny this fact. 

Human nature is quite opposite of the nature of life. We are drawn to certainty and it comforts us. If we closely invigilate our plan and action, we can sense that they are steps taken to make our lives more secure. Our natural tendency is to seek certainty and control, but with surprises—whether good or bad—we feel discomfort, which is why we attempt to structure our environments and lives in predictable ways. 

When human nature, which seeks control, meets the unpredictability of life, it results in friction. And how this friction manifests, we attempt to challenge the nature of unpredictability of life and try immensely to make it more secure and predictable. We often seek answers that lie beyond our capacity to understand. We are inclined to seek the deeper reasons behind the unwanted experiences that life presents to us. Although nobody has found and nobody probably ever will, the mysteries behind the cause of any events. This mystery creates a deep sense of uncertainty and instability within us. And Sigmund Freud argues that in order to cope with this anxiety of uncertainty, and to create a false sense of control over future events, humans tend to believe in and worship God. To mitigate this, humans invented narratives of control, with God serving as the ultimate answer to chaos. Freud argues in his books titled ‘The future of an illusion’’ (1927) and ‘Civilization and its discontent’ (1930) that if we tend to believe that there is someone in the sky who controls everything, who justifies every sin, we feel we have a shoulder to lean on. Now, let’s explore why we have this tendency to search for such a figure.

Central to Freud’s idea is the notion that children feel very secure being within the arms of parents. In those arms, one experiences the protective figure, feelings of security and are completely able to rely on their parents. Child gets an opportunity to explore life without taking any responsibility for his action and is ensured that it’s taken care of by their parents. The child often develops the belief that their parents are like superheroes, capable of solving any problem they face. This belief is why the child feels more carefree and lively, experiencing a sense of joy and security. And in the process of growing up, he slowly understands that there are a lot of things that their parents cannot control, in fact, many things that no human being can control. One understands that there’s chaos, a mystery that no one knows the formula for. No equation fits in justifying the cause-and-effect rule. As the child matures into adulthood, their cognitive development allows them to analyze and become more aware of the chaos, uncertainty and unpredictability of life. This awareness then gives rise to a profound sense of helplessness and powerlessness, as the illusion of control fades. Now I invite you, dear reader, to contemplate how one might confront this uncertainty that springs from feelings of powerlessness and helplessness.

This is where Freud’s central idea revolves around. In order to address this uncertainty, humans often turn to believe in God—a higher power who is sitting in the sky assessing and evaluating every thought, deeds and action. You can think about it. If you are powerful enough you can repay the injustice given by another human fellow. But how does one seek justice for the suffering inflicted by life itself? Although we can question the unwanted events and experiences that we go through in life, is there anyone who answers that question? Of course there’s no one—no entity to respond to our grievances. This profound imbalance, this need for meaning and resolution demands equilibrium. Here, belief in God serves as a psychological anchor. By surrendering to a divine order, we find solace, attempting to bring emotional closure to our unresolved turmoil allowing us to find comfort in the face of the unknown. Belief in God offers a reassuring shoulder to lean on. 

Following Freud’s theory multiple scholars have conducted the research on our tendency to believe in and worship God. Existential security theory (Norris & Inglehart, 2011) suggests that people turn to religion more in uncertain or economically unstable environments. Research suggests that in more secure and stable environments, where there is less insecurity, the tendency to believe in God may decrease. A study by Will Gervais and Ara Norenzayan (2012) found that encouraging analytical thinking reduced religious belief. This implies that in environments where individuals feel more secure and are encouraged to engage in analytical thinking, the reliance on religious beliefs may diminish. Reflecting on these studies, can we infer that our inclination to seek support and believe in God stems from the uncertainty born of helplessness and powerlessness?

Probably we’ll never know the exact answer and the formula that guides our lives. From another perspective, could it be that we are merely puppets in a grand simulation—acting as if we have free will, while every event is already predetermined? There may be a higher power, something beyond our understanding, hidden from our awareness. 

In many of the texts that Freud wrote he never argued about the existence of God. Neither he nor this article directly questions the existence of God. We both are questioning the tendency to seek solace by believing in God. 

One of the most common yet complicated and sophisticated phenomena is parenting. While children may be born biologically healthy, the absence of a nurturing environment significantly impacts their development into healthy individuals. Child development expert Dr Gabor Maté points out that humans are essentially "prematurely born" compared to other species, emphasizing the prolonged developmental period of the human brain after birth.

Due to this extended developmental period, many dimensions of our nature, characteristics and personality are shaped by our primary socialization, that is our family and how we interact with them. Parenting is vast as an ocean; there are still many aspects yet to be discovered and analyzed, but we’ll be discussing only one aspect of it.

Suppose a parent goes to collect the academic report card of a son/daughter, who studies in grade 6 and is around 11 years old. The mark-sheet shows that the child has failed in three subjects. What kind of parent-child conversation will ensue on their way home and later? Part of the most common comment from a parent after seeing the mark-sheet may be like, “We’ve sacrificed so much for you, fulfilling your wishes while setting aside our own…” Though well-meaning, this sentiment can sometimes feel more like a guilt trip, leaving the child burdened with a sense of shame. A similar guilt trip and sense of disgrace grips children when parents encounter unwanted response/behavior from their wards. But have we ever thought as to why our children are responding and behaving in such a manner? Have we ever contemplated why our children are refusing to bother much with academics? Let’s consider a scenario to better grasp the reason.

Imagine someone gifted you a sapling of marigold flower—one that thrives in sunlight and fresh air—hoping it would make a perfect addition to your bedroom, placed elegantly in a beautiful pot beside your bed. And that gift, from someone truly special on a significant occasion, isn’t just an ordinary flower—it carries a deep emotional attachment. You diligently water it every day and provide the necessary nutrients it needs. After two weeks, you notice that the plant looks malnourished. Its leaves and flowers are slowly decaying and drying up. What really comes to your mind? Do you scold the plant, saying, 'I’ve watered you every day, given you all the nutrients you need—why aren’t you blooming? It’s your responsibility to blossom. You need to make me proud and justify my effort and emotional attachment.' 

Do you do this? Of course not because you’re not an idiot. Rather, you curiously search what went wrong and where. Upon googling, you’ll probably find out that the flower needs proper air and sunlight to blossom, and definitely create an environment where the plant can grow and blossom.

In the same way, do we ask similar questions while interacting with our children? Do we try to identify the elements in our parenting and how family relationship dynamics is impacting our children and is generating unwanted behavior in them? Or do we make them feel guilty by questioning their loyalty to our efforts and hardships? Does it serve our purpose? It does not. 

Now, let’s discuss how these kinds of behavior impact and hinder the development of children. We are demanding certain things from children, which they cannot give. It’s not that they don’t try, the reality is they can’t, they are not able to, they don’t know how to. This results in conflict within themselves, between what they are and they are not. A child often perceives and understands that their parents are struggling because of them. They see how much their parents have done for them and question whether they can ever pay for the sacrifices made. If children experience this sentiment repeatedly, they may begin to believe that their existence is the root of their parents' difficulties. This can lead to the conviction that if they had never been born, their parents’ lives would have been easier and more peaceful. This would make children feel responsible for their parents’ hardship and their struggle. They may even start to feel obligated to repay their parents' sacrifices—as if repaying a loan—rather than reciprocating love —a duty rather than a responsibility born out of love. When children internalize the idea that their existence has cost their parents so much, they may struggle with self-worth, feeling that they are a burden rather than a source of joy. This mindset may shape the child to avoid asking or demanding—not out of understanding their parents' limitations,  but because, as they were unable to alleviate their struggles, the least they feel they can do is avoid adding to their burden. This could further weaken the sense of dependency that is essential for children’s emotional and social development.

During adulthood, they may find difficulty in forming healthy relationships as they may constantly seek validation or fear being a liability to others. Interpersonal communication eventually translates into intrapersonal communication. They may eventually shape their self-image through the lens of their parents' perceptions. No matter how much one is able to achieve, they are programmed to connect with their inadequacy and their internalized shame. Their achievements often get overshadowed by what is missing in their life or what they have yet to accomplish. Because the concept of ‘I am not enough’ is so deeply ingrained in them that no amount of achievement during adulthood can cover the deep neglect endured during childhood. 

Now, let’s try to understand from the lens of parents the reasons behind this pattern of behavior. South Asian parents strive to offer more than what they themselves possess, weaving dreams from the threads of their sacrifices, which is perfectly alright. I am not questioning the parents’ intention behind it, rather I am condemning its results. Because actions and behavior driven by such intent come to interplay and influence the dynamics of our relationships. A common example of this unfolds when choosing a school for our children. We strive to enroll them in the best schools we can afford, pouring our resources into giving them the best opportunities. We endure countless hardships to provide as much as possible, yet often overlook the frustration that accompanies these struggles. Through such acts, aren’t we saying to our children, albeit unconsciously, ‘'Look, I’ve endured so much to give you the best. Now it’s your turn to justify my sacrifices by meeting my expectations, especially in academics and behavior”.

Aren’t we trying to compensate for our hardships through our children?

And children are not ready and able to pick this burden of expectation; they shouldn’t be. Research on parenting emphasizes that shielding them from these expectations allows them to explore and learn the many dimensions of life with joy and curiosity. More than that, as they lack the feeling of disgrace and burden, they will be able to depend emotionally on their parents.

Parents do not have to meet every demand or fulfill every whim of their children. While providing everything a child wants seems to be an act of love, it does the opposite of helping a child develop emotionally. Life will bring situations where a desire is expressed but not met, and that is one very important reason why parents need to prepare them for such instances.

But when parents opt to be present with their children during disappointment or frustration, rather than quickly solving the problem or giving them what they want, they provide something so much more valuable. They open the doors for teaching children to recognize, understand and manage their emotions, such as through feeling validation, naming the emotion and then guiding them toward constructive ways to cope.

This not only helps children learn to manage their emotions but also fosters an environment of trust and security. They come to understand that not every need or desire will be met, what’s more, they also learn to deal with the situation.

Lastly, this article is not intended to create guilt, rather its sole purpose is to raise awareness about how we are handling our children. If we strive for perfect parenting, then the need to be perfect will dawn on our children automatically.