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Mind Matters | Marital crisis

Mind Matters | Marital crisis
I’m a 35-year-old woman in a toxic marriage. My husband and I fell in love and got married a few years ago. But things soon went wrong. He even admitted that he has been cheating on me. Unfortunately, for some reason, I’m unable to let him go. We’ve come such a long way. I don’t know what I will do without him, or how I will be able to move forward alone. I want to make things right, and I’m willing to forgive him. But it seems like he doesn’t want that. I think he wants to leave me. The thought of separating is overwhelming me. I’m scared of not having him in my life. I don’t know what it is but it doesn’t feel natural. What should I do?—A troubled wife Answered by Kapil Sharma, counseling psychologist, Nepal Institute of Mental Health It’s not easy to compromise your feelings every step of the way and be there for the person you love even when he has treated you harshly. So, it’s commendable that you have been trying to mend the relationship despite having so many issues. From what you’ve told me, I can see that you’re in a dilemma about what to do next. The uncertainty of what’s going to happen has overwhelmed you and made you anxious. But going on like this, and letting yourself struggle mentally and emotionally is only going to make things worse.

With relationship issues, the most important thing is communication. You’ve mentioned that you have tried talking to him and are willing to let things go if he’s willing to be with you. So maybe you need to have that one last conversation with him that will help you figure out what you need to do next. I know it’s easier said than done. The thought of separating is already difficult for you, and to think that that might be one of the two outcomes of this conversation terrifies you. But it’s the conversation you will have to have someday. So why wait and suffer? You deserve better than that.

Sometimes hearing each other out can solve a lot of problems. Maybe he has a different perspective than you do. It doesn’t mean that his cheating on you wasn’t wrong, but if you’re willing to let that go then I think you should hear him out to get a clear answer about his feelings. You can also talk about what might happen if you two are together for the next five-ten years. The answer to that will also help you be certain about what to do next. If communicating on your own is difficult, couples counseling is always a good option. There, you will have someone to guide you through the process. Either you guys will be together or you’ll have to go separate ways. That’s something you’ll have to prepare yourself for since being in a toxic relationship isn’t good for either of you. Who’s going to take care of your well-being if not you? If he doesn’t want to communicate, then you know you have a clear answer on what to do next. That’s the time when you think of yourself. Being afraid of going separate ways is natural. But that’s something you might have to do. So, it’s good to surround yourself with people who will understand and support you. Going through this alone will be difficult. If you aren’t comfortable with sharing your situation with friends and family, you can always seek help from a professional. Dealing with emotions as heavy as this can be difficult. So having someone guide you will be nice. Initiating a conversation will be difficult. And the thought of going separate ways will be scary. But you have to take a step back and think about how this situation will hamper your mental peace and well-being. You will get better with time.


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